(My boyfriend and I have a mutual friend who’s the manager at a nearby town’s tractor and farm supply store. Yesterday, we got a snap chat from her with the following message, verbatim:)

Friend: “Someone s*** themselves in the middle of an aisle and then proceeded to grab a nearby shopping basket and finished in that. Wiped themselves with the pantyhose socks used to try on shoes. Then hid everything in the basket under a bin of socks.”

(As the manager, she was the only one certified to clean it up. They don’t pay her enough.)

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 3
Welcome To Retail, Part 2

(Unfortunately, my mother is the bad customer. She makes a habit of telling her waiters she’s allergic to foods she wants excluded from her meal. On this day it is onions. At this point, we’ve been waiting for about thirty minutes.)

Mom: *to the waitress* “Miss, why is our order taking so long?”

Waitress: “I asked the chef to clear and clean the whole flat top to avoid cross-contamination. It’ll be out soon.”

Mom: “How soon?”

Waitress: “In about ten minutes.”

Mom: “That’s a really long wait.”

Me: “It’s fine. Thanks for asking the chef to clean. We appreciate it.”

Mom: “That’s still a long wait.”

Me: *after the waitress has left* “Do you see what you do to people? ‘No onions’ was enough.”

Mom: “You never know with these people.”

(My mom was a waitress for ten years. I don’t know why she can’t be polite to them.)

I was texting with a guy I met on a dating app for a little over a week before we agreed to meet for an official date. Things had been really clicking, we got along really well, texting and Snapchatting all day, being super flirty, and getting to know each other. Things were going great. 

We started brainstorming restaurants to try on our date and he asked what my favorite foods and restaurants were. I joked about the most expensive sushi restaurant in town, as it is my favorite, but I would never choose that for a date because it is expensive and I’d feel guilty. But he kept insisting that it would be a great first date place, and that if things worked out, it would be an amazing story to tell people how we went all out for our first date.

So, fast forward to our meeting a few days later at the sushi restaurant. Things were going really well. He was quite awkward, but he warned me ahead of time that he can be that way when meeting new people, so I didn’t mind it. The conversation was great and we both were smiling and having a good time. 

Dinner was amazing, at it always is at this restaurant, and our waiter brought over the bill. 

It is at this point that things started to go awry. 

My date decides at that moment, without even looking at the bill, to inform me that he had lost his debit card a few days prior, and was still waiting on the new one to arrive, so he only had cash. 

I was surprised and a bit confused, as he had not mentioned this to me at all leading up to this moment. 

He then asked if I’d mind putting the bill on my card, and he could just pay me back partially with the cash he had, as he wasn’t able to get any additional cash without his card. 

Thinking the date had gone really well, I told him I’d cover the bill tonight if he paid for the ice cream I was craving right up the road, and then pay for our next date. He agreed. 

We never got ice cream. 

He convinced me to go back to his car to “make out” a little bit while our stomachs settled, but instead tried to convince me to do a whole h*** of a lot more that I didn’t feel comfortable doing on a first date, let alone in someone’s car right next to a busy parking garage. 

I went back to my car and drove myself home, realizing I’d been duped into paying for the entire meal with no hope of being paid back. 

I found out later that he decided I was “too fat” upon meeting me in person, didn’t want to be out the $70 for the meal, and figured he’d take a shot at getting some action before never contacting me again. 

What a real catch.

(I work in a discount store, the kind that buys the overstock of other companies and sells it for a cheaper price. We’ve got a little bit of everything here, and since spring is coming, we’ve started to get some outdoor and gardening products in. On a slower night, I’m up at the registers helping process returns. A customer walks up to my coworker’s register holding a pink flamingo yard ornament, the one that comes on a stick that you put in the ground.)

Coworker: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

Customer: “Oh, you know… As good as a guy buying a pink flamingo could be.”

(He purchases his yard ornament and leaves the store. Two hours later he returns with the flamingo, only its stand is completely bent out of shape. I don’t mean dented in a couple of areas; he twisted this thing into some kind of maze.)

Customer: “I need to return this.”

(We don’t have a strict return policy: 30 days, as long as it doesn’t look like it’s been used, worn, or altered.)

Coworker: “Um, I’m sorry, sir, but I won’t be able to return this for you,”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?”

Coworker: “The stand is bent out of shape. That’s not how it looked when I sold it to you a couple of hours ago,”

Customer: “It wasn’t popping my car door open when it was straight, so I had to bend it to fit.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand,”

Customer: “I locked my keys inside my car, and I bought this stupid thing to pop my door open. The stand is too thick to get between the door and the body, though, so you’re going to return it for me.”

Coworker: “I can’t do that. The product has been altered; therefore, I can’t refund you.”

(He demands to see the manager, who tells him the same thing my coworker told him. When it is clear he can’t get his way, he breaks the flamingo over his knee, shoves it into my manager’s arms, and stomps out. At the same time, another coworker enters the building after coming back from her lunch. We explain what happened before the manager came up, and this coworker chimed in.)

Other Coworker: “The guy with the flamingo? Oh, yeah, I saw him from my car. He was jamming the end of that thing between the door. I don’t know why he didn’t just buy the coat hangers we have. They’re cheaper and thinner so he probably could have gotten into his car.”

(I go on a date with a guy I met on a dating app. Things have been great leading up to the date. We talk on the phone every night, text each other all day, Snapchat all day, etc. I am really excited for our first date. The date is going really well. We have great conversation with lots of laughs and smiles. It feels nice and I am having a good time. After finishing his food, the guy excuses himself to the bathroom. He told me ahead of time that he has IBS, so I am not worried when he takes a little longer than usual in the bathroom. But then, five minutes pass. And then ten. Finally, after fifteen minutes, our waiter brings over the bill.)

Waiter: “Here’s your bill. Just let me know if you need anything else.”

Me: “Actually, this is a really weird request, I know, but could you run over to the men’s room to check on my date for me? He’s been in there for 15 minutes and I just wanted to make sure he’s okay. He told me he has IBS, so I wanted to make sure the meal didn’t affect him poorly. I texted him, but he hasn’t responded.”

Waiter: “Not a problem! I was actually about to head over there myself, so I’ll be sure to check if he’s in there. What is his name?”

Me: “His name is [Date].”

Waiter: “Okay! I’ll go see if he’s doing okay.” 

Me: “Thank you so much.”

(The waiter leaves and heads to the bathroom. I check my phone to make sure my date hasn’t texted me back or anything, and then I play a game on my phone while I wait. A few minutes later, my waiter comes back, looking nervous.)

Me: “Did you find him?”

Waiter: “Um, I feel terrible to have to tell you this, but there was no one in the men’s room at all.” 

Me: “What? Are you sure he just wasn’t in a stall?” 

Waiter: “I checked the entire bathroom; there was no one in there. I even called his name to see if he was in there.” 

Me: *visibly upset and confused* “There must be some kind of mistake. Are you sure you didn’t go into the women’s room by mistake?”

Waiter: “Not unless y’all have urinals, too, in there.” 

Me: *fully understanding and on the verge of tears* “You all have a secondary exit over by the bathrooms, don’t you?”

Waiter: “Unfortunately, we do…” 

Me: “All right.” *trying to wipe tears away with my napkin* “Well, let me just try to settle our bill, then. You all shouldn’t have to be stiffed just because this date was a bust.” 

(I take a look at the menu, and it’s about $50. I didn’t budget for that kind of spending tonight. I budgeted for maybe $25 in case my date wanted to split the bill, which would have been fine. But I suck it up and give the waiter my card. He hesitantly takes my card and apologizes again for my unfortunate date. I’m doing my best to keep my crying under control. I text my date again to ask if something came up, maybe an emergency, something to explain why he would have left without saying anything. But when I go to send the message, it won’t go through with iMessage. We both have iPhones, so it should go through as an iMessage. I try calling him. It immediately goes to voicemail. Either his phone is off, or the more likely scenario is that he blocked my number after leaving me alone at the restaurant. I am no longer able to contain my tears. I’m humiliated. I have terrible social anxiety, so this is a horrible situation for me. At a huge, huge low, crying in public, with a bunch of strangers staring at me. Finally, my waiter returns to my table with my card.)

Waiter: “Well, I have a silver lining for you tonight. I’m not allowing you to pay for your meal tonight.” 

Me: “What do you mean? I’m sure there’s enough money on that card. Oh, I hope it wasn’t declined!”

Waiter: “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. You misunderstood me. The restaurant has decided to comp your meal tonight.” 

Me: “What? Oh, no, you can’t do that! This isn’t your fault at all! My meal was wonderful and your service was great. I don’t want you to be blamed or have to pay for this.”

Waiter: “We’ve all been there. My manager agreed that we can spare the expense of one meal tonight. You’ve been through enough. You shouldn’t also have to pay for the meal of that jerk who didn’t even have the decency to say something to your face instead of running out the back door like a coward. Not to mention I had several other customers come up to me offering to help you pay for your meal tonight after overhearing what happened. It’s on the house.”

Me: “Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate this. You’ve definitely helped make this terrible night a little better. Please at least let me tip you.” 

Waiter: “No, ma’am. You just make it home safely tonight. And I wish you better luck in your future.”

(I stood up and hugged the waiter before gathering my things and leaving. A few people gave me encouraging smiles and one older woman whispered to me as I passed to keep my head up.)