Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

, , , , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Good morning, my name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer, sir; my mother was a computer.”

Customer: “You’re part computer?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am a cyborg.”

Customer: “F****** cyborgs!” *click*

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Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

, | Right | February 3, 2009

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Place]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”

Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

(I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME, SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

Me: “I was, ma’am.”

Customer: “NO, YOU WEREN’T! I HAD TO TELL YOU THREE TIMES!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”

Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

(At this point, I’m just, like, ‘screw it,’ and I apologize and gave her the change.)

Me: “Have a good–“”

Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

Me: “…”


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That’s Just Golden

, , , , | Right | February 3, 2009

(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is [My Name]. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline Employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline Employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline Employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where — no pun intended — the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline Employee: “You got any Febreeze?”


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Eau De Customer

, , , , | Right | February 2, 2009

(This is a lake town in New Hampshire, so we see a lot of Quebecians in the summer. Usually, they’re a bit standoffish, but polite. This time, not so much.)

Mother: “What’s wrong with your lake?”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Mother: “Your lake is bad. There’s something nasty in it.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know about that… I myself swim in there fairly often…”

Mother: “Well, your lake has made my son smell like garbage! Your lake must have garbage in it!”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just not true.”

Mother: “You must have built up resistance or something. Here, smell him.” *pushes son towards me*

Me: “Excuse me? I’d rather not smell your son.”

Mother: “So you admit that he smells like garbage from your lake! You people should do something about this.” *takes her groceries and leaves, smiling in a superior fashion*

Coworker: “Did she seriously want you to smell her son?”

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Off To A Great Start

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2009

Customer: “Hi, can I talk to a manager?”

Me: “I’m the manager on duty. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “YOU’RE the manager on duty?! You look like you’re about sixteen! *laughs with disbelief and scorn*

Me: “Well, I’m twenty-four, and I am a manager here. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I have a job application?”

Me: “Um… sure.”

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