Appease The Portuguese

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2009

(Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

Customer: “Obrigado!”

(Speaks in Portuguese.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

Customer: “WHAT?! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

Me: “Yes, sir, but–”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you can’t speak, huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “So, do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from, or what?”

Me: “I’m Spanish.”

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Cash For Baby Bumpers

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

Me: “Stop that!”

(I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken two bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”


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Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

, , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I… I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

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Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

, , | Right | September 2, 2009

(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

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About To Get Charged With Battery

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

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