Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I… I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

 

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Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

, , | Right | September 2, 2009

(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

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About To Get Charged With Battery

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

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Oh, You Slay Me

, , | Right | August 7, 2009

Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

Me: “Oh, haha. All right. This all looks fine.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Every Other Customer Who Overheard: “…”

Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”

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Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

, , , | Right | August 6, 2009

Me: “Hey there, mate, what can I get ya?”

Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

Customer: “Why’d you put f****** ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f****** ice!”

Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

Customer: “Whiskey?”

Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

Customer: “How you make it?”

Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

Customer: “How f****** dare you?!”

Me: “Do you know what ‘on the rocks’ also means?”

Customer: “No! What?!”

(The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

 

 

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