The Land Of Milk And Money

, , , | Right | November 23, 2009

(I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

Farmer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

Me: *pointed look*

Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*

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A Sign Of A Long Day

, , , | Right | November 18, 2009

(I am a self-checkout attendant.)

Customer: “Miss, my debit card doesn’t seem to be working.”

Me: “Are you sure you’re swiping it the right way?”

Customer: “Which way is the right way?”

Me: “Stripe facing outward.”

Customer: “Miss, it’s still not working!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that debit machine is currently out of order.”

Customer: “I want to use this one. Why isn’t this one working?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we called tech support. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to suspend your order and–”

Customer: “It’s your responsibility to put up signs if something isn’t working! I want to speak to your store manager.”

Me: “There’s no sign on that machine? I’m sure I put them up just a couple of minutes ago.”

Customer: “Do you SEE a sign?”

(I walk over to the machine, and see the sign laying by the customer’s feet on the floor. It was clearly ripped off of the machine, as it’s half torn.)

Me: “Hmm, I’m terribly sorry, sir. It seems someone ripped the sign off.”

Customer: “Yeah, that was me.”

Me: “Can I ask why?”

Customer: “No, you can’t.”

Me: “Why would you use this machine is you had seen and read the sign, stating that the debit machine wasn’t working?”

Customer: “Because there was no sign!”

Me: “But you ripped the sign off.”

Customer: “Yeah, so now that it’s not there anymore the debit machine should be working! Forget this! I’m going to another store!”

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Unraveling Incognito

, | Right | November 11, 2009

Me: “This is [Office]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Where are you calling from?”

Me: “You’ve reached [Office]. How may help you?”

Customer: “Who is this?”

Me: “My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Why are you calling?”

Me: “Ma’am, you called me.”

Customer: “Yeah, somebody called me.”

Me: “All right, what is your name?”

Customer: “That ain’t none of your business!”

Me: “Ma’am, without your name, it is impossible for me to find out who called you.”

Customer: “THEN I GUESS YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!” *hangs up*

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Tit For Tat(too)

, , | Right | October 30, 2009

(I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)

Child: “Oh! What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a tattoo. It’s like a permanent drawing on your skin that you can get when your 18.”

Child: “Can I touch it?”

Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”

(Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)

Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”

Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”

Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”

(The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp.” It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)

Me: “Nice dolphins.”

Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”

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Got An Urgin’ For Some Urchin

, , , | Right | October 29, 2009

(At the aquarium where I volunteer, a guest sticks her whole hand in our touch tank, rips off a sea urchin, and proceeds to stuff it in her bag.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t do that.”

Guest: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You can’t rip the urchin off the tank’s wall. Could you please hand me it?”

Guest: “But I was going to take it home and eat it. Isn’t that okay?”

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