Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

, , | Right | September 8, 2008

(A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

(She came back.)

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Permission To Abuse, Denied

, | Right | August 30, 2008

(I’m trying to organize curtains, shams, valances, etc. when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “I certainly do, can I help you with anything?”

Customer: *snotty* “Yeah, can you get out of my way, please?”

Me: “…”

Customer: *to his wife* “I can say that to her because she works here!”

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Fowl Mouthed

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2008

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want lunch meat.”

Me: *grinning* “You’ve come to the right place!”

Customer: “I don’t appreciate your attitude, you f****** b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m paying for your brown a** to live here!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m Irish. And I’ve lived here my entire life.”

Customer: “GIVE ME SOME F****** TURKEY!”

Me: “What type of turkey would you like?”

Customer: “Plain!”

Me: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat-free? We also have a wide selection of gourmet turkeys, such as honey maple and tomato basil.”

Customer: “My kid won’t eat that fancy s***! I just want some f****** turkey!”

(The store manager has been standing behind her the entire time and speaks up.)

Manager: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat-Free? She gave you the types. Just f****** pick a flavour so she can serve me so I can take my lunch!”

Customer: “F*** THIS COUNTRY!”

 

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Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

, , , | Right | August 14, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.”

Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system, please?”

Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.”

Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!”

Me: “Um… excuse me?”

Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!”

Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the front of your card so I can look up your account information.”

Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so? My number is [number].”

Me: “Ma’am, it seems your account is handled by a different department than mine. Would you like me to give you their direct number before I transfer you?”

Customer: *back to demonic* “YOU TRICKED ME! You tricked me out of my information! I’m calling the FBI on you, you little c***!”

Me: *transfers call*

(I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”)

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Fowl Behavior, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2008

(At the deli where I work, every couple hours I cook up between 12 and 20 whole chickens. They’re kept in the hot holding cabinet for customers to grab.)

Customer: “I need ten.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “These whole chickens. I need ten of them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s all we have, because we’re closing soon.”

Customer: *rolls her eyes and takes absolutely everything left out of the holding cabinet*

(Another customer approaches me soon afterward.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, that lady just grabbed a chicken out of my hands, claiming it was hers. Will there be any more?”

(Yes, that’s right. The first lady was going around taking chickens from other customers. Unbelievable.)

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