Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

, , , | Right | February 13, 2009

(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*


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Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

, , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Good morning, my name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer, sir; my mother was a computer.”

Customer: “You’re part computer?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am a cyborg.”

Customer: “F****** cyborgs!” *click*

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Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

, , | Right | February 3, 2009

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Place]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”


(I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME, SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

Me: “I was, ma’am.”


Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”


(At this point, I’m just, like, ‘screw it,’ and I apologize and gave her the change.)

Me: “Have a good–“”

Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

Me: “…”

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That’s Just Golden

, , , , | Right | February 3, 2009

(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is [My Name]. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline Employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline Employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline Employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where — no pun intended — the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline Employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

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He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best

, , | Right | January 14, 2009

(While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)

Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”

Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk, and non-fat chocolate.

Me: “Oh, okay… I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”

(Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:)

Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”

Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers…”

Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”

Me: “Thanks for that advice.”

(While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add five pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)

Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”

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