They’re A Few Nuggets Short Of A Bucket

, , , , , , | Right | March 18, 2018

(It is peak season and during a lunch rush. During peak season, our restaurant has menus and signs all over, and we downsize our menu to help guests order more quickly. A woman and her child approach my register.)

Me: “Welcome, folks. What can I get you guys today?”

Customer: “We have been waiting over 20 minutes to order. This is awful!”

Me: “Sorry for your wait, but if can tell me what you would like, I’ll be happy to help!”

Customer: “I would like chicken nuggets.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t sell chicken nuggets here.”

Customer: “Excuse me? That’s not what the menu says.”

(The customer holds up a menu from another restaurant.)

Me: “That’s not our menu.”

Customer: “Well, do you sell chicken nuggets here?”

Me: “No, but you can go to the place next door, and they can help you.”

(Customers behind her are giving the “come on” look.)

Customer: “I’m not getting out of line; I waited forever to order and my child won’t eat anything but chicken nuggets.” *the child looks about ten* “Can’t you just throw a piece of raw chicken in the fryer?”

Me: “Excuse me? No, I can’t.”

Customer: “You are no f****** help at all; you must hate children! I’m going to report you have make sure you are fired!”

Me: “All right. Just to let you know, my name is [My Name]; have a wonderful day.”

750,000 Reasons To Quit

, , , | Healthy | March 18, 2018

(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

How To Insult Multiple Generations

, , , , , | Working | March 17, 2018

(There’s a pretty big gap in age between my two half-siblings and me. Our dad got married for the first time when he was a senior in high school, had my brother and sister pretty close together, then married my mom much later and they had me. There’s at least a 20-year age gap between us, and I’m used to them being mistaken for my aunt or uncle. Once, someone even asked if my brother was my dad. When I am 13 years old, my sister gives birth to my niece. I love being an aunt, and I want to go with my sister to a sale at a local store for baby clothes. We pick several things out, and I’m pushing the stroller for my sister so she can count all of her items. Everything is going fine, and then we get up to the register.)

Cashier #1: “Did you find everything you needed today?”

Sister: “Yes! I’ll take these items, please.”

Cashier #1: “Sure!” *she sees my niece* “Oh, what a cute baby!”

Me: *excited to be out with my sister and niece* “Isn’t she? She’s so good; she slept through the whole shopping trip.”

Cashier #1: *to my sister* “It must be so nice having a day out with your daughter!”

Sister: “Yes, it is–“

Cashier #1: “And your granddaughter!”

Sister: *stares at the cashier, looks back at me, then to her again* “That’s my sister. She’s thirteen years old. The baby is my daughter.”

Cashier #1: *blushes a little* “Oh, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “It’s okay! We’re pretty far apart in age, so…”

Cashier #2: *overhears us and interrupts* “Don’t apologize to them! She shouldn’t be lying to cover up for her daughter’s mistakes!”

(My sister, [Cashier #1], and I are all speechless for a moment. [Cashier #2] gives me a dirty look and walks away.)

Cashier #1: *looking mortified* “I am so sorry!

Sister: *sighs* “It’s okay. Let’s just check out before she comes back. I really do want these items.”

Me: “Hey, [Niece] is awake! Want to look at her?”

(I held my niece up, and seeing her squishy baby face seemed to make the cashier feel better. We checked out and went back to my sister’s house. When we got there, we realized that the cashier had given us an extra discount on some of the clearance items, and had included a coupon for a future purchase. My sister really wasn’t that offended by [Cashier #1]’s misunderstanding; it was [Cashier #2] that threw us for a loop. Although, my sister told me she went back to the store a few weeks later to use her coupon, and found out that [Cashier #2] was “no longer with the company.”)

Customers Are Not The Shining Lights Of Your Day

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2018

(I work at a popular store as a stock boy. One weekend in particular, our store is having a huge sale on some special lamps; it is even in the flyer. All weekend, I am constantly stocking the shelves with more and more lamps, as they are just flying off the shelves. Before we even start putting them on display, my manager asks me to cut open a box, plug the lamp in, and display it neatly to show the customers what it looks like when it’s properly modeled at home. Eventually, we run out of lamps and only have one lonely lamp sitting on the shelf, waiting to be bought. I happen to walk past the display on my way to my break and customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes? How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can you please open this box—” *points to the lamp in the box* “—so I can see what it looks like?”

Me: “Actually—” *I point to the lamp on display* “—that one right there on display, all plugged in and set up, is pretty much what it looks like.”

Customer: *very rudely and loud* “Yes, I can see that, but I want to see what this lamp looks like!”

Me: “It’s the same lamp, ma’am. It looks exactly the same.”

Customer:I don’t care! I want to see what this lamp looks like!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s just that we’re not allowed to open up our boxes; we can get in a lot of trouble, actually.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I refuse to buy something without seeing it first and without knowing what it looks like! I saw it in the flyer and I want it! Open it!

(I leave to get my manager and we come back about two minutes later. My manager begins to tell her that we cannot open boxes because it’s part of policy. After much back-and-forth bickering, my manager finally lets me cut the box open to shut her up.)

Customer: “Was that so hard?!” *inspects it thoroughly* “Okay, I will take it. But do you have any more in the back?”

Me: “No, ma’am, this is our last one.”

Customer: *looking like she’s ready to commit murder, gets even angrier and louder* “I DON’T WANT TO BUY AN OPENED ONE!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s opened because I opened it for you!”

Customer: “I don’t care! I’m not buying opened merchandise!”

Manager: “We’re awfully sorry, ma’am, but it’s the last one.”

Customer: “Can I at least get a discount? This item is now technically considered ‘used,’ and I refuse to pay full price for ‘used’ items.”

Manager: “Ma’am, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “But you have to! If you’re selling something that’s been opened, you have to sell it for a discounted price! I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “Can’t do that, ma’am; I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I’m leaving! This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever encountered in my life!”

(Then she leaves the store without buying the lamp.)

Nearby Customer: “What a f****** b****!”

Something About That Employee, But I Can’t Put My Finger On It

, , , , , | Working | March 16, 2018

My dad is the manager of a local gas station chain. He’s a really social guy, and it’s a fairly popular gas station in a relatively small town, so he knows basically everyone — or at least, they know him.

He’s driving while talking on the phone — using Bluetooth, of course — and gets a little distracted, so he doesn’t realize he’s driving a little too slowly, maybe five miles under the speed limit. A car honks at him, which snaps him back to paying attention, and then the other driver aggressively begins to pass him. As they drive by, the passenger glares and raises a certain finger, then suddenly looks horrified and backs down. Dad can’t help but laugh; it’s one of his employees.

Her next shift, she apologizes profusely. Now, every time she comes into work, Dad teases her that she has road rage.

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