About To Get A Pickup Put Down

, , , , | Right | October 12, 2018

(I am the operations manager for a popular department store. It’s my birthday. We have closed up, and despite working a full shift, I still got to go on a nice birthday date with my boyfriend. I get a call at two am from the alarm company for the store; they have a motion sensor going off at the store and none of the other three managers are answering their phones. I tell them to not dispatch a patrol car yet; our store is charged for that and it’s likely a false alarm. I get up, and my boyfriend insists on driving me since I had several glasses of wine that evening. We arrive at the store fifteen minutes later, and there is actually a person. She has wedged our automatic doors slightly open and is jabbing a stick into the space where the lock would be. She sees our headlights and turns around before going back to it. I get out of the car, followed by my boyfriend.)

Me: “You need to stop that.”

Customer: “No, I ordered items for pickup and I am picking them up.”

Me: “You can’t be serious. Stop this. Step away from the door or I’m calling the police.”

Customer: “Do you work here? Go get my items; they’re under [Last Name]. It should be [a whole slew of things].”

(My boyfriend is getting fed up. I’m fed up. This woman is crazy. I realize I don’t have a nametag on.)

Me: “You have just gotten me out of bed on my birthday to come down here and tell you you’re behaving like an entitled child! If you don’t step away from those doors, you’re going to have to call the cops on me, because, so help me, I’m done putting up with crazy s*** like this.”

(She looks at me with wide eyes.)

Me: “I don’t want your business. Cancel your order when you get home. I don’t want to see you here ever again; are we clear?”

(She scampered off. My boyfriend and I stopped for late-night snacks on the way home.)

This Kind Of Stupid Shouldn’t Be Legal

, , , , , , | Legal | October 12, 2018

(I am lawyer who works at a legal office. I open some mail addressed to me. A letter says that a lady has sued one of my clients without going to court and is ordering him to pay $100,000 or she will leak confidential information. I call my client and inform him of this, and he tells me not to worry about the bluff and to just bin it. In about two weeks I get a phone call from my client in a panic.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. How are you today?:

Client: “Not f****** good!”

Me: “What is the problem, sir?”

Client: “You know that weird lady?”

Me: “Yes, what did she do?”

Client: “Well, she posted all this stuff all over my Facebook wall that was not true. I am now getting terrible messages saying stuff that I am not. I am losing customers from my online shops and everything!”

Me: “Okay, do not delete the messages. Copy every message and send them to me for evidence. Just get off that account while I work on this for you.”

Client: “So, you want these message sent to you?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(The client sends the messages. We decide to sue for defamation since she has said stuff that is not true and he has now suffered financial loss because of it. Fast-forward about six months. We are about to have our hearing in court when I drop by the office on Saturday to collect some files. I walk in and see the lady that is in the court case ruffling through my files.)

Me: “Hey, [Lady], get out of there! You are not permitted to be here, and this is trespassing.”

Lady: “Oh, f*** off, you little b****. I am taking this evidence so you won’t be able to do anything to me anymore!”

Me: “Listen, we have security cameras rolling 24/7 here. In fact, your face has been on camera the entire time.”

Lady: “I don’t care! They don’t know it is me—”

Me: “It records audio, as well, and you just admitted to a crime.”

Lady: “But—” *sprints to the front door that is locked*

Me: “That door is locked.”

(I call the police while she is struggling with the door.)

Lady: “Let me out!”

Me: “Police have been called; please remain here.”

(The police arrive soon after the call and handcuff her.)

Me: “I would like to press charges on her, please; she has broken a lot of laws!”

Lady: “Oh, go f*** yourself!”

Me: “I will. Have a nice time!”

(I got a call on Monday… Guess who wanted me as their lawyer?)

Perverted Young Men Become Perverted Old Men

, , , , , | Working | October 12, 2018

Customer: “Hey, will you guys be hiring for Christmas?”

Me: “We will! There’s a seasonal hiring fair scheduled in a few weeks. If you want to get on the email list, I can put you down.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. I’m retired, looking for a little extra money. I want to work security. I used to, you know, in college.”

Me: “I don’t think we will have any seasonal loss prevention jobs available, but you can check out the jobs we will be listing.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I used to love working security. Used to love watching the girls change in the fitting rooms through the mirrors. I can only imagine what those guys see now with cameras, ha!”

(As soon as he walked away, I crossed his email address off of the list.)

A Disturbing Kind Of Monkey Business

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2018

(My mom, her boyfriend, and I are in the zoo on a hunt for a new baby monkey that was just born a few months ago. It’s on the other side of the huge place, and by the time we get there we’re sweating and already annoyed with people disrespecting animals and not reading what they are. We find the baby and it’s super cute! We’re on a built path that is above ground with random gaps in the wall around us. We’re silently watching it climb all over the trees and the top of the enclosure when I hear a mom say:)

Mother: “Oh! It wants to hold your hand!”

Son #1: “It’s so cute!”

(All three of us whip our head to where the kid is. He’s poking four of his fingers through a gap in the wall. Right away I’m in a bit of a panic, waiting for the kid to scream or something, and for the mother to go ballistic and demand for the monkey to be killed.)

Mother: “Here comes the baby!”

Son #1: “They’re licking me!”

Daughter: “I want to touch it!”

Son #2: “Me, too!”

(Now all three of us are worriedly looking at each other. Now that both the mother and baby monkeys have licked and touched the kid, they got whatever is on his hands! They could get sick with something that we can’t! Plus, it’s a baby; they already don’t have much of an immune system!)

My Mom: *whispering* “We have to tell somebody.”

(We started to walk off when we noticed the mother was sticking her ENTIRE arm out of the walkway! We went speed-walking through the rest of the zoo, searching for an employee. We got to an older lady and she took out her walkie-talkie and reported it. I believe we saved that baby, and hopefully kept from any other monkey from getting sick. There was already one that was — he was being quarantined — so I bet that’s how he got sick.)

Childish About Child’s Drink

, , , , , , , | Right | October 11, 2018

I work at a drive-in fast food restaurant. We have credit card readers on every stall, but the payment doesn’t always go through on the first swipe. We often have to pull the payment screen back up or take the cards to our reader inside.

One of my coworkers was taking out orders to cars. She comes inside holding a drink and says “This lady would like to speak with a manager. She says she paid already and I tried telling her it didn’t go through but she won’t listen–”

Just then this customer throws our door open and screams at my coworker, “EXCUSE ME, YOU CAN’T JUST WALK AWAY WITH MY DRINK!” We calmly try to explain to her that we can’t give customers their orders until a payment has been received, but she isn’t having it. “I DID PAY. THE SCREEN SAID MESSAGE RECEIVED!”

“No, ma’am, that means that your order went through, not the payment–” my manager starts, but is again interrupted. “THAT DRINK IS FOR MY CHILD AND YOU KEEP WALKING AWAY WITH IT. HOW DO I KNOW YOU HAVEN’T SPAT IN IT? I WANT MY GOD-D*** DRINK!”

We try to assure her no one would spit in it but she keeps screaming, “I ALREADY PAID! I’M NOT SWIPING MY CARD AGAIN! I WANT MY DRINK! MY SON IS VERY UPSET!” (Might I point out, she had left her son in her running car to come in and scream about a drink that is currently half price at 80 cents.) Finally my manager gives up, hands her her drink, cancels the ticket so my coworker won’t come up short, and proclaims that customer as our crazy of the day.

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