We love Halloween, both taking our kids out door to door and handing out sweets, particularly to the little ones.

Last year, we got a lot more older kids. They pushed in front and grabbed handfuls of sweets, and when it was getting late, we put the rest of the sweets on the doorstep only for them to be thrown down the street.

This year would be different. We went out with our children. When it came to handing out sweets, we had two big buckets.

The first to the door were two older children, not even in costume. I picked up the orange bucket and made a point of putting sweets into their hands. Some smaller children were up next. I picked up the white bucket and put sweets into their hands.

As the night continued, I kept up the same trick. Then, two older boys rang the bell; they looked familiar.

Boy #1: “Yeah, trick or treat.”

Me: “Hmm, sure.”

I grabbed the orange bucket and gave them a large handful.

Boy #2: “Where’s the chocolate?”

Me: “The what?”

Boy #1: “You gave my little brother chocolate bars. How come we get this?”

Me: “Luck of the draw. Sorry, guys.”

I shut the door. Oh, well, they figured it out: older kids get the cheap sweets and little kids get the mini chocolate bars. I figured that would be that. Then, the door opened and a young boy was stood there.

Young Boy: “Trick or treat!”

Me: “Brilliant costume.”

I grabbed the white bucket and gave him some sweets.

Young Boy: “Can my brother have some, too?”

Me: “Where is he?”

Young Boy: “Hiding around the corner.”

Me: “Sure, some special sweets for big kids.”

I gave him a double helping from the orange bucket. I’m guessing that wasn’t appreciated as, only a few seconds later, I heard them thrown at the house. Next year, we might just hand out fruit!

I take calls for doctors, plumbers, security companies, etc., after hours. Normally, when I finish the call, the client tells me to have a good day, and I always respond with the classic, “Thank you. You, too.”

Me: “Thank you for holding. I understand there’s an issue with medication. Was the prescription not signed, dosage incorrect, or just not there?”

Caller: “The office said they’d call this in after the doctor finished surgery! I’ve been waiting since one for this medication. I need you to page the doctor!”

This account allows requests for medications, just not narcotics. After letting her know her doctor’s rules, she doubles down.

Caller: “He’s done it for me before! He knows me personally. I spoke with the office well before closing and they promised!“

After she realizes that I am absolutely not giving her what she wants:

Caller: “Thanks for nothing! Go f*** yourself!”

And in my infinite wisdom, my little monkey brain responds:

Me: “Thank you! You, too!”

I accidentally made a woman a latte with regular milk rather than soy. It was my fault, and I apologized profusely and told her I would make her another drink.

This wasn’t good enough for the woman.

Like a crazed banshee, she shrieked, “I need soy!” and threw the latte at me. The lid stayed on and it totally missed me. Instead, it exploded on impact and got all over the counters, cabinets, and floor.

The bright side is that the owner was in attendance. He made quick work of throwing the woman out, despite protests that she didn’t get her coffee.

A family requests a specific room layout, and the only one left is on the concierge floor, normally reserved for business guests and off-limits to kids.

Concierge has a special lounge area with couches and chairs. The dad is sitting in the lounge reading a paper, and his daughter is jumping around the room, couch to chair to couch. The girl at the concierge desk goes over.

Concierge: “Sir, please ask your daughter not to jump on the furniture, because she might fall and get hurt.”

Guest: *Flipping out, yelling* “Who do you think you are, telling me how to raise my kid?!”

As he’s screaming at the concierge, the little girl misses a couch, falls, and lands on the $18,000 cut-glass “Little Mermaid” coffee table, breaking it. The guy grabs the crying child by the arm and walks away.

Guest: “I told you not to jump around like that!”

A few years ago, I worked the night shift in a hospital. It was a large-ish hospital but operated like the small-town place it originally started as. For example, even though it was a twenty-four-hour hospital, the coffee shop and cafeteria both closed at 6:00 pm. This was about an hour before the night shift started, so we all had to bring in our own food.

I was warned on my very first shift that one of the housekeeping staff was a notorious food thief and considered anything left in the nurse’s lounge fridge or cabinets to be fair game. It didn’t matter if it was wrapped in a bag with your name written on it and sealed in hazard stickers; she would help herself to it if she liked it. If we ordered pizza or Chinese food, she’d rush into the break room and grab a double portion of it before the people who’d paid for the food got to it. She even — apparently on more than one occasion — sliced pieces off cakes and grabbed cupcakes that had been brought in for people’s birthdays before the intended recipient ever got to see them. She had worked there for years and was friends with her supervisor, and she never stole from the other housekeepers, so nothing was ever done.

After I’d worked there for a few years, a new product came on the market. It was basically a cooler-sized plastic cage with a padlock that was meant to protect your food from thieves and was advertised to be strong enough to keep a hungry bear out. After we saw the infomercial for it, the night shift staff all ordered ourselves these wonderful food cages. Suddenly, food was safe! We could bring in cupcakes for people’s birthdays and lock them up and know they’d be there for our lunch break. Anytime delivery food was ordered, we made sure to have someone meet the driver at the door and lock up the food before carrying it to our floor. We actually got to eat every last bite of the food we’d paid for! It was glorious!

Then, we got a notice from the housekeeping supervisor that a serious disciplinary matter needed to be brought before the entire night shift staff and we were to stay after work one day so the day shift supervisors could also be present. We had no idea what this was about. When we all dutifully marched into the main meeting room to discuss this serious matter, we saw the food thief sitting with her supervisor friend, and both were scowling at us.

Housekeeping Supervisor: “[Thief] has a serious grievance against the staff for discrimination and theft.”

While we sat there gobsmacked, [Thief] stood up and proceeded to complain.

Thief: “You’ve all been locking up your food and not letting me eat it anymore!”

She seriously stood there and complained for five or six minutes straight about how she hadn’t been able to help herself to our food for weeks, and she knew we were only locking up our lunches to keep her from taking what she wanted.

Her supervisor sat there with her mouth hanging open while our supervisors were clearly trying not to laugh. The rest of us were either trying not to laugh or sitting with our mouths open in pure disbelief. Thief concluded her complaint by demanding the food cages be banned. I really wish I could have been a fly on the wall for the rest of the conversation, but we were told to go home at that point. The next shift I worked, I was informed that [Thief] had been transferred to the day shift so the day housekeeping supervisor could keep an eye on her. Also, the day shift nursing and secretarial staff had all ordered food cages.