Giving You Something To Wine About

, , , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I’m working the closing shift at a drugstore. About an hour before we close, the manager notices someone has been in the women’s restroom for about half an hour. The manager goes to talk to her, and this happens:)

Manager: *knocking on door* “Ma’am, are you okay?”

Lady In Bathroom: “UHH!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “She won’t talk to me. I’m going to call the police.”

(A sheriff’s deputy arrives shortly after.)

Officer: *knocking on door* “This is the police. Is everything all right?”

Lady In Bathroom: “UHH!”

(The police officer entered to investigate, and the lady was taken out of the store on a stretcher. I thought she might have just gotten sick, but after closing, while I was cleaning the bathrooms, there was vomit everywhere and I found a half-empty box of wine next to the toilet that the lady must’ve stolen off the shelf before drinking in the bathroom.)

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Enough To Make You Foam At The Mouth

, , , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I am working at a coffee shop. We are a popular place for people to go before they start their commute to work and, as such, we’re always slammed in the morning. This morning is no different, with a line out the door. We have three registers open, but the drinks still funnel to the one person making drinks, so wait times can be rather long. I am at a register ringing people up.)

Me: “Can I help the next customer?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like a large, non-fat, bone-dry cappuccino.”

Me: “All right, a large, non-fat, bone-dry cappuccino. Just to make sure I understand you properly, you want two shots of espresso and a cup full of non-fat foam?”

Customer: “I said, ‘bone-dry,’ didn’t I?”

Me: “Just making sure. Your total is [amount], and your drink will come up over on the counter. Can I please get a name for the cup?”

(The customer gives me her name, pays, and moves over to wait for her drink. I ring up a few more customers before my manager comes over and asks me to take over for the person at the bar, as they need a break. I move over and start making drinks. I eventually get to the bone-dry cappuccino. One thing to know about non-fat milk is it doesn’t make great foam. It takes a lot of time, patience, and skill to get 20 ounces of usable foam. I end up steaming two pitchers of milk to get enough foam for her drink. I am newer at the time and don’t have all that much skill yet. I finish the drink and hand it out.)

Me: “I have a large, bone-dry cappuccino for [Customer].”

(The customer comes over and picks up the drink.)

Customer: “What is this? It’s empty!”

Me: “It is your bone-dry cappuccino; it is not empty.”

(The customer takes off the lid and looks in.)

Customer: “This is nothing but foam! Why would I want a cup of foam? I asked for a hot chocolate! How hard is that to get right?!”

(I put on my upset customer smile.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. I can remake it for you.”

(I take back the drink, make a hot chocolate and hand it out a minute later.)

Me: “Here you are, one large hot chocolate. I hope you enjoy your day!”

(The customer takes a sip of the drink.)

Customer: “This has milk in it, and I don’t taste any coffee! I’m lactose intolerant; are you trying to kill me?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you ordered a non-fat cappuccino and then decided you wanted a hot chocolate. At no point did you ask for something with soy, which is our only non-dairy option. Did you want a soy latte?”

Customer: *shouting* “No! I don’t drink soy! It makes you into a f****** [homophobic slur]. All I asked for was a large black coffee, and you are too stupid and slow to figure out how to make one. I’ve been waiting 20 minutes for a black coffee! How incompetent are you?!”

(At this point the entire cafe is silently staring at this woman. I walk over, get a coffee, and put it down on the counter in a controlled manner.)

Me: *in a very measured tone* “I hope you have a wonderful day.”

(The customer looks at me and then at everyone else. She looks like she wants to say something. After a minute she finally takes the coffee and flounces out.)

Manager: “I’m going to take over for you. Why don’t you go into the walk-in for a few minutes. Just so you know, it is sound proof.”

(And I did, and it was sound proof.)

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I Say Allergic, You Say Tomato

, , , , , | Working | October 31, 2017

(I call up my local pizza restaurant with an odd request.)

Me: “Hi, umm, for whatever reason I’ve developed an allergy to tomatoes. I’m just wondering if there is anything I can order, pizza-wise, which won’t include any?”

Employee: *perfectly helpful* “Sure. Just order whatever you like and I’ll make sure it doesn’t have tomatoes on it.”

Me: “Oh, thank you.” *gives order*

(I wait an hour and a half for my pizza. When it arrives, I don’t think to check it until after I pay. The box is stone cold and lighter than I expect. When I open it, there is what looks to be one whole tomato, finely sliced and arranged in a circle. “Enjoy” is written in marker in the middle. I phone up, furious, to complain. I get the same woman.)

Me: “Yes, I’d like to complain about my order.”

Employee: *now harsh and sarcastic* “Oh, tomato guy. Just go jump off a bridge. Like I’m going to go out of my way to help someone like you!”

Me: “Well, I want to speak to the own—”

Employee: *hangs up*

(I emailed the owner and he assured me it would be handled. I know the woman was fired, but I was never compensated for the terrible service. I don’t use them anymore.)

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Might As Well As Dressed Up As Harvey Weinstein

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2017

(I am 15 and have decided to spend Halloween night handing out candy. I did this last year, too, and I had a lot of fun with what few kids came by, and even did what was basically a drive-through so kids who couldn’t leave their cars could have some candy. My dad helps me set up properly so I can have more trick-or-treaters before going off with my younger siblings. The first incident occurs midway through the night, after I make the decision to give candy to adults, too. I see two women walking down the street, so I wave to them and offer them candy. As they approach, I get a closer look at one woman’s costume. Though clearly white, the woman has painted her face black, which most people recognize is racist.)

Me: “Uh, who are you dressed as?”

Woman: “I’m Oprah Winfrey!”

(Unsure how to respond, I let her take candy and go, though later I wish I had called her out on it. The next incident occurs later in the night, as I’m running low on candy. A group of boys in black morph suits with the face coverings pulled down approach. I recognize one of them from a theatre class. He is a grade below me. As I’m offering them candy, they start making less-than-savory comments about my breasts.)

Me: *in a falsely sweet voice* “Sorry, I’m all out of candy. Goodbye.”

(I ended up having to chase them off several times, refusing to give them any candy. Eventually, they begged a couple of girls in a golf cart to give them candy, and I chased them away again. Since that particularly eventful Halloween, I haven’t given out candy to trick-or-treaters. Black-face and sexual harassment really take the joy out of Halloween.)

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Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 31

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I work for a major company for Internet, TV, and phone services, and this call comes in.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my f****** Internet isn’t working every time I use the d*** vacuum cleaner!”

Me: “Okay, that’s weird. Can you tell me in depth how you know that the vacuum cleaner is the issue?”

Customer: “Well, whenever I clean the house, I don’t have Internet, TV, or a phone line. It is starting to freak me out!”

Me: “But I can see that the services are working just fine.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the weird part; like ten to fifteen minutes after my husband comes home from work, everything works perfectly.”

Me: “Is your husband there, because maybe he fixes it somehow?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on. I’ll get him for you.” *screams husband’s name*

Husband: “Hello, this is [Husband]. What’s up?”

Me: “Your wife told me the services like Internet and TV aren’t working all day long after she used the vacuum cleaner, and just like magic, when you come home from work everything works again.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s true. Whenever she uses the vacuum, she pulls the plug of the router and modem to put the plug of the vacuum cleaner in. Then, she removes the vacuum cleaner, but doesn’t put the plug of the modem and router back in.”

Me: *confused* “So… why didn’t you tell her this?”

Husband: “Because she thinks the router and modem don’t have anything to do with Internet and TV because she uses ‘wireless services.’ She always says she wants to throw the router and modem away because she never uses them.”

Me: *almost crying* “Okay, well, I suggest you tell her that they are needed.”

Husband: “Nope, that’s your job. Good luck.” *passes the phone back to his wife*

Customer: “Hey, so is it fixed?”

Me: “Well, it seems that you pull the plug of the modem and router whenever you use the vacuum cleaner, but forget to put the plug back in. Your husband puts the plugs back when he’s home, so that’s why all services work whenever he comes home.”

Customer: “But I use wireless; I don’t need that stupid box of s***.”

Me: “Well, actually, you need it, ma’am, because that box sends the wireless signal.”

Customer: “Oh.” *screams the name of the husband* “YOU MOTHERF*****! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS, YOU PIECE OF S***? NOW I’M F****** EMBARRASSED, YOU D***-HEAD!”

Me: “Is there anything I can assist you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Lots of love, and thanks for the support!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a nice day.”

(Just when I said my last line, I heard pots and pans getting thrown around. I just hung up and burst into laughter. My supervisor asked me why I was laughing, so I told him the story and let him listen to the call. It was a fun day.)

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