Screaming Your Lungs Out

, , , , , | Right | December 4, 2017

(Despite the fact that we are a retail shipping center, NOT actually [Major Shipping Company], we get a high volume of callers who think we are the shipping company and want us to locate their packages. The following conversation happens over the phone.)

Customer: “I was supposed to receive my new phone from [Phone Company] by 3:00 pm today, and it’s already after 3:00!”

(It’s only about 2:45.)

Me: “Was the item shipped out from our store here in [Location]?”

Customer: “No! It was shipped from [Phone Company]! Are you listening to me?!”

Me: “If it wasn’t shipped out from our store, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for you. We don’t have anything to do with the drivers or deliveries. I can give you [Shipping Company]’s customer service number, though, and they should be able to help you.”

Customer:I need my phone! I have a rare lung condition and my lungs are suffocating me alive!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. Do you have a pen and paper to write down that number?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a God-d**** f****** pen or paper. Now you’re going to make me go find those WHILE I’M DYING BECAUSE I’M BEING SUFFOCATED BY MY LUNGS! F****** ridiculous! And I can’t find a pen, so now I have to use a piece of s*** marker. I have a lung disease!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry to hear that. So that number is 1-800—”

(At this point, I’ve got the phone an arm’s length away and can still hear him clearly.)

Customer: *screaming into the phone* “I CAN’T CALL AN 800 NUMBER! I’M BEING SUFFOCATED AND I CAN’T CALL 9-1-1 WITHOUT MY NEW PHONE!”

Me: “I cannot locate your phone for you. Let me give you the customer service number and tell you how to get a live person, and they should be able to help you.”

Customer: “FINE! Give me the f****** phone number so I can call them about my new phone!”

(I give the customer the number and tell them how to get a hold of a live person.)

Customer: “I’m probably going to die before I get my new phone, thanks to you! Now I have to call someplace else, and I can’t even call 9-1-1 because I don’t have new phone to do it with! I AM SUFFOCATING ALIVE BECAUSE I HAVE A RARE LUNG DISEASE AND YOU DON’T CARE THAT I CAN’T CALL FOR HELP! I AM GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I CAN’T CALL 9-1-1!”

Me: “I really hope you’re able to get the phone situation resolved soon, sir. Good luck and have a great rest of the day.”

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Religiously Against Religion

, , , , , , | Learning | December 3, 2017

(In a class in college we are expected to get into groups for a weeks-long project. There’s a student sitting next to me who has made me uncomfortable in the past, but has latched onto me. He insists we be in a group together. Since I know no one else in the class, I go with it. In the course of working on the project, he learns that I’m a Christian.)

Me: “I can look at that after small group tonight.”

Classmate: “Small group?”

Me: “Oh, just a group of us from my church that meets on Tuesdays every week for Bible discussion and praying; that’s all. We’ll be done around nine.”

Classmate: “Do you guys get together sometimes to rape kids? All while singing songs to your Santa Claus in the sky?”

Me: “Okay, not only am I not Catholic, which I assume is the source of your jab, that’s disgusting and wrong to joke about.”

Classmate: “You all think you’re drinking some made-up Jew’s blood, anyway, so it’s all the same.”

Me: “Again, you are confusing Catholic beliefs with—”

Classmate: “Oh, are you mad?”

Me: “I’m not mad; I’d just expect you to know what you’re talking about before you try to insult my religious beliefs.”

Classmate: “Crap, you’re not going to go invade some country and kill all the indigenous people over this, are you? I know how you guys like to do that.”

(Over the course of the project, and then the rest of the semester, he latches onto me socially, acting like we’ve been the best of friends forever, but doesn’t seem to get how friends are supposed to interact, even if they have very different views on things. I keep my distance as best I can, with varying degrees of success, through graduation, and hear nothing from him for a couple years afterward. I’ve all but forgotten about him until I get a friend request on Facebook. Naturally, I decline the request. Then I get a direct message from him a few days later.)

Classmate: “Hey, why am I deleted?”

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Concentrate Before You Assume

, , , , , , , , | Working | December 2, 2017

(A coworker and I are looking at the schedule.)

Coworker: “[My Name], your last name is unusual. Where’s it from?”

Me: “Germany, but—”

Coworker: “Oh, so your family were Nazis, huh? Going to lock me up for being gay? You guys suck!”

Me: “I don’t know if my family were Nazis; let me ask my ancestors. Oh, wait! I can’t, because they were killed in camps. What I was trying to say is that my last name is German, but we come from Poland. My family are Ashkenazi Jews. Hmm, Jews, huh? Still think my family were Nazis? You need to watch what you say!”

Coworker: “I am so sorry!” *quickly walks away*

(I didn’t think it warranted being reported to HR, but I told the supervisor who had a talk with her.)

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Knows How To Make An Entrance

, , , , , , | Working | December 1, 2017

(I live in a “garden” apartment complex and my building has ten units. Two of the apartments, mine and one other, have private entrances to the outside, and the other eight are accessed through a common entrance where you have to buzz in. One night my wife and I have just put our newborn son to bed when there is a loud thump on the front door.)

Voice Outside: “WHAT THE H***? WHY IS THIS LOCKED?!”

(There’s more loud banging, almost like someone is trying to break the door in. I look out the window and there’s a pizza delivery guy apparently trying to shoulder down my door.)

Me: *through the door* “What are you doing?”

Delivery Guy: “Oh! I have your pizza.”

Me: “I didn’t order a pizza.”

Delivery Guy: “Is this [address]?”

Me: “Yes, but I didn’t order a pizza. What apartment is it for?”

Delivery Guy: “[Apartment Number upstairs] for [Neighbor].”

(I crack open the door to talk to him but keep the chain in place.)

Me: “You’ve got the wrong apartment; that’s upstairs.”

Delivery Guy: “But I need to get in! Let me in.”

Me: “The door is on the other side of the building. They’ll buzz you in.”

Delivery Guy: “Can’t I just come through this way?” *he leans his shoulder against the door again*

Me: “This is my apartment; I’m not letting you cut through my apartment to deliver somebody else a pizza.”

Delivery Guy: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m just not. Go to the other door.”

Delivery Guy: “Fine, you can explain to your neighbor that you won’t let me deliver their pizza.”

(He got back in his car and drove off, making no attempt to go to the main entrance. I talked to my upstairs neighbor later that week. Apparently the delivery guy told them that the doorman wouldn’t let them in. We don’t have a doorman.)

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Promotionals Promote Them To Full Crazy

, , , , | Right | November 30, 2017

(I work at a fast food restaurant. We do promotions every few months. We just ended one of our longer running promotions. I have a bit of a line, and after a minute am able to help the next guest.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today? What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Can I get [promotional item that ended]?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t carry that anymore, as it was promotional. I have [similar item] that I can offer.”

Customer: “WHAT? THIS [PROMOTIONAL ITEM] HAS BEEN HERE FOREVER! F*** YOU GUYS!”

(She then proceeded to storm out of the store, leaving everyone in the restaurant to just gaze at the door, wondering what happened.)

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