Hiding Them Like Animal Crackers

, , , | Learning | October 9, 2017

(During finals week, everyone in my Earth Science class finishes the final early, so on the last day of school, we are getting ready to watch a movie instead. It is still during the five-minute passing period when the class stoner asks the teacher for a favor:)

Student: “Can I go get my crackers?”

Teacher: “Sure, where are they?”

Student: “In the tree outside, because that’s where I hid them.”

Teacher: *pauses* “Your crackers are outside in a tree?”

Student: “Yeah. Can I go get them, please?”

Teacher: “I guess, as long you’re back before the bell rings.”

Potentially Explosive Neglect

, , , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2017

(I am speaking with my roommate who works at an art store, and used to work at [Popular Retail Chain], which shares a wall with the art store.)

Roommate: “So, we just evacuated [Art Store] because we smelled a gas leak.”

Me: “Did anyone tell [Popular Retail Chain]?”

Roommate: *long pause* “No.”

United In Your Reaction

, , , , , | Working | October 7, 2017

(We are on a plane about to embark. Just as the plane is going to push back, the pilot gets on the loudspeaker. We’ve been delayed because a late passenger pushed through the emergency door and touched the plane, so it’s a federal matter. We have to see what the TSA and police want to do. We overhear a conversation between another passenger and a flight attendant.)

Passenger: “So, you stopped that lady from getting on the plane? Did you have to tackle her?”

Flight Attendant: “No, I just put my hand out, like so, and stopped her.” *pause* “At least we didn’t go United on her.”

(Other passengers go silent as we all process what she just said and then we cracked up laughing.)

Flight Attendant: “Oh, dear. I can’t believe I said that. Am I turning red?”

(She was. All the passengers that heard her loved it. Luckily, we left almost on time and not too delayed.)

A Textbook Case Of Crazy

, , , | Learning | October 6, 2017

(I work at an IT help desk at a university. We process requests for usernames and passwords to access the IT systems by hand, for which a current student ID is necessary, as well as a completed form with their details. A woman approaches me with a form.)

Woman: “Here’s my application for a username and password.”

Me: “Right. Can I please see your student ID?”

Woman: “All the information you need is on that form.”

Me: “Actually, you’ve missed out the section that asks for the student ID number. If you show me yours, I’ll fill it in for you.”

Woman: “Gah! All the information you need is there! I just want a username and password!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we need proof that you’re a student here before we can give you access to the IT systems.”

Woman: “I am a student!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the rules are very clear; I can’t process these applications without a current student ID.”

Woman: “This is ridiculous. Honestly, is this the University of Fascism? I’m a student, and I’m taking a degree in Scientology. Look, here’s my textbook!”

(She holds out an old copy of the Dianetics book. My head is beginning to spin a little; obviously there’s no such thing as a degree in Scientology, unless we were in fact the Hubbard College of Administration International. Even they would still require ID! At this point my manager, who has been hovering, decides to intervene.)

Manager: “I’m [Manager], the help desk supervisor. Please try not to get too upset, but this university doesn’t offer a degree in Scientology, and that is not a textbook. You’re obviously not a student here. Is there something else we can do to help you? Someone we could call to come and help you?”

Woman: “Hah! You’re the one who needs help! You don’t know anything about the place you work! I feel sorry for you. I really do, but I’m still going to report you to the Vice Chancellor, and you’ll lose your job because you’re crap at your job and you’re stupid!”

(She storms off. My manager and I look at each other for a few stunned moments and then she says:)

Manager: “I think I’ll just give the VC’s office a call. They might need a heads-up.”

Just What Kind Of Game Do You Think You’re Playing?

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2017

(We’re selling refurbished game consoles, with two games for free, as a promo deal on a flyer. The problem is, one of those games isn’t out until later in the week.)

Customer: “Can I get a copy of this game? I was never told about it when I bought the console.”

Me: “Sir, that game doesn’t come out until Thursday; it’s Monday.”

(For reference, our flyers come out every Friday morning.)

Customer: “But your flyer says the console and these two games are $349!”

Me: “It does, sir, but we can’t break street date on the game. You’ll have to come back on Thursday to get the game. In the meantime, we’ll be happy to put it on hold for you.”

Customer: “This is f***** ridiculous. Just get me the game now. And I want a discount.”

Me: “Sir, we can’t. We physically don’t have the game here. We don’t get copies until Thursday, when it comes out.”

(Long story short, after yelling at me, another sales associate, and the manager, and demanding the CEO’s number, he left. I found out he came back Thursday and bought the game at full price.)

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