Weeding Out The Candidates

, , , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(I’ve been doing political consulting work for almost a decade and have encountered a lot of strange candidates over that time. This one is definitely the weirdest, though. I have been contacted by this guy about working on his soon-to-be-announced campaign. I go to meet with him at his home, and this is how he introduces himself.)

Candidate: *pointing* “By the way, that is weed on the mantle, in case you were interested.”

(The rest of the meeting was just as weird. Needless to say, this wasn’t someone I wanted to work for.)

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The Crab-Cake Is A Lie

, , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(I work as a seafood clerk at a grocery store. One day we are having a special on crab cakes so we are particularly busy. After helping more than ten people in a row, there are two customers left: an elderly woman, and a man in his mid-30s with his daughter who is no older than six. Due to the rush, I am not sure who is next.)

Me: “I can help whoever was next.”

(The woman glances over at the man, who is texting and paying no attention to me. She shrugs and approaches the counter.)

Customer #1: “Yes, I’ll have two crab cakes and one pound of popcorn shrimp, please.”

Me: “Coming right up.”

(As soon as I begin wrapping up her order, the man looks up from his cell phone.)

Customer #2: “Hey! Woah! Excuse me! I was next!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be with you as soon as I finish this order.”

Customer #2: “No, no, no! I was here first! Stop what you’re doing and take my order!”

Me: “Sir, I asked who was next and you didn’t respond. This will only take…”

Customer #2: *picks up his cart and slams it on the ground* “THIS IS BULLS***! I’ve been waiting here for twenty f****** minutes! I’m going to the front and speaking to management!”

(He grabs his daughter by the wrist and walks toward the front of the store.)

Customer #1: “Oh, my goodness.. He really shouldn’t be talking like that in front of his daughter.”

Me: “No, he shouldn’t be.”

(After about ten minutes, he returns.)

Customer #2: “I just spoke to your boss. He said you have to give me four free crab cakes due to your poor customer service.”

Me: *skeptical* “Okay… let me call the front and confirm.”

Customer #2: “What? Why? I just talked to him!”

Me: “Sir, I have to get permission from my supervisor before I can give out free items.”

Customer #2: “YOU’RE UN-F****ING-BELIEVABLE! You have to be the worst—”

(I tune out his screaming and call the front desk phone.)

Boss: “[Boss] speaking.”

Me: “Hello, sir, there’s a gentleman here that says you told him he could have free crab cakes; is that correct?”

Boss: “What? H*** no! I just got back from my lunch break.”

(I turned around and the man was nowhere to be seen.)

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Terror Is Color-Blind

, , , , , | Related | November 21, 2017

(My mother, while being an incredibly kind woman in all other walks of life, is alarming when it comes to racial stereotypes and is very vocal about them at home, particularly when watching the news. This particular incident is in relation to the recent shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. On the night of the attack, when there is very little knowledge of the attacker released by media, we have this discussion:)

Dad: “Is it another terror attack?”

Me: “Yeah, in Las Vegas this time.”

Dad: “What, by a Muslim man?”

Mum: “Of course it’s another Muslim! Who else causes terror attacks these days?”

Me: “They haven’t said anything about the guy’s race, not that it even matters, and you know that anyone can cause a terror attack, right? It’s not just Muslims.”

Mum: “But who else would?”

(My sister and I both roll our eyes, not wanting to start an argument, and just let it go. The next afternoon, the name of the attacker is released.)

Mum: “Oh, look; he’s black.”

Me: “What?”

Mum: “Oh, half-black. Half-black!”

(A photo appears on the TV, showing that the attacker is clearly of Caucasian descent.)

Mum: “Wait… He’s white?”

Me: “YES. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT RACE; ANYONE CAN MURDER ANYONE!”

(To top it off, we are all of Southeast Asian decent, and my mother is a strong supporter of Pauline Hanson, a Senator who could be described as the Australian Donald Trump, and still supports her even after my sister and I told her she’s attempted to get Asians kicked out of Australia. Thoughts and prayers are with the victims of the shooting.)

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The Customer Menace

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(It is Star Wars day this week, so the hotel where I work has decided to do a themed dinner. There are a lot of kids who are coming, so as a special treat the owner decides to show Episode One. My friends and I are big nerds and have our own costumes for conventions. When we hear about the dinner, we offer our costumes so the kids can get their pictures taken for free with Darth Vader, a stormtrooper, and Princess Leia. We also offer a Q&A session. The kids are having a great time. An older, visibly annoyed customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, sir? How can I help?”

Customer: “Would it be possible to change the film to a good one?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I’m afraid I can’t. Can I ask the reason why you would like it changed? Perhaps there might be something I can do?”

Customer: “First of all, the kids aren’t even paying attention.” *points to two kids playing with lightsabers on the other side of the room* “Besides, this new generation needs to be educated on the classics.”

Me: “Sir, most of the kids are paying attention to the film. In fact, it’s only those two who are playing who aren’t paying attention. We chose this film especially because of the large number of kids that have come.”

Customer: “The originals are far better than this s***!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to watch your language.”

Customer: “F*** you. I’m not done yet.”

Me: “Sir! There are young children around! Please stop swearing!”

(The customer stand up, grabs my shirt, and pulls me close to his face. I can smell a large amount of alcohol on his breath, and I’m starting to get a little bit scared.)

Customer: “You listen to me. I will say what I want, where I want.” *lets me go* “Now, go and get the manager so I can talk to someone who’s intelligent.”

(I get the manager. He is dressed up as a stormtrooper.)

Customer: “Finally, someone who’s a true fan. I’m sure you can understand wanting to change the film. That costume is fantastic. Where did you get it?”

Manager: “Sir, we will not change the film because you have been so rude. We would have been happy to change it to what you wanted once it was finished, but we’re not going to do that now. Besides, you have attacked a member of my staff. Now, please calm down and watch the film or you will be ejected from the premises.”

(The customer is still angry, but sits down.)

Customer: “You still never answered about the costume.”

Manager: “Actually, this costume belongs to the waiter you were so rude to.”

(The customer’s jaw drops by about an inch and he stares at me. In my best Darth Sidious voice, I say:)

Me: “Good. Let the hate flow through you.”

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Offensive Enough To Cause Injury

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(One of my employees, a high-school-aged girl, is walking home from her shift on Saint Patrick’s day when she is hit by a drunk driver. She returns to work a week later, battered but in good spirits. During her first shift back, I hear yelling coming from the fitting room, and an irate customer comes storming out.)

Customer: “Your corporate’s number, now!”

(As I’m writing down the info, I see my high school employee sobbing and leaving the fitting room.)

Me: “I’m the manager on duty, ma’am; may I ask what the issue is you want to speak to corporate about?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you let punks like that work here! Gobs of black eyeliner! Facial piercings! This used to be a respectable place!”

Me: “Ma’am, my employee was injured. Those are bruises and metal staples put there by the hospital.”

Customer: “Excuses!”

(She snatched the slip out of my hand and stormed out. Corporate handed down a disciplinary write up to my employee for being out of dress code. I’ve been petitioning to have it overturned, but as her appearance offended a customer, it will probably stand and could risk her job.)

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