Some Customers Leave Big Shoes To Fill

, , , | Harrisburg, PA, USA | Right | December 11, 2010

(While standing in line as a customer, I notice a father and his two children in front of me. The son, about age eight, is sporting a Mohawk about as tall is he is. He looks positively adorable and when he turns and smiles at me, I return the smile.)

Boy: *tugging on his father’s coat* “Daddy, don’t flash all that money in your wallet! That b**** will take it! You always say how b****es are after your money!”

(The father laughs and agrees until he notices that his son’s free hand is pointing directly at me. The daughter, about age 12, slaps him on the back of the head.)

Daughter: “Shut up, dumb-***! That b**** don’t want Dad’s money!”

(The father starts to feel uncomfortable with so many people staring. Not wanting to reprimand their behavior but still wanting to make some parental effort, he starts lecturing his son about how his shoes are dirty. Another customer behind me comes to my rescue.)

Another customer: “If I were you, I’d be more worried about the dirt coming out of the other end of them!”

(The father fell silent, the children stopped calling me a b****, and I got one of my blouses for free.)

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A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts

, , , | Australia | Right | November 11, 2010

(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside.)

Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss, and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–” *pushes index finger into my chest* “–threatened to break his legs!”

Me: “I can tell you, now, ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment, and disturbing the peace.”

(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

Me: “So, do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

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Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

, | Utah, USA | Right | August 25, 2010

(I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, or any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

Me: “[Crisis Line]. My name is [My Name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well, you see… my… um… my… cat… died.”

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Driving Miss Crazy, Part 2

, , , | Right | December 21, 2009

(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving. You are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver. How dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home. Why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”

 

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Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

, , | Right | September 2, 2009

(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

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