Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

, , | | Right | August 6, 2009

Me: “Hey there, mate, what can I get ya?”

Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

Customer: “Why’d you put f****** ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f****** ice!”

Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

Customer: “Whiskey?”

Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

Customer: “How you make it?”

Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

Customer: “How f****** dare you?!”

Me: “Do you know what ‘on the rocks’ also means?”

Customer: “No! What?!”

(The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

 

 

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Saving The Earth, 7 MPG At A Time

, | | Right | June 11, 2009

(A customer comes up to the counter with her arms full of books. After I ring them all through, I proceed to put her books in a bag.)

Customer: “Actually, I don’t need a bag. I’m doing my part to save the environment!”

Me: “Oh, okay, then!”

(I hand her her receipt and wish her a nice day, but she doesn’t move.)

Customer: “Excuse me… aren’t you going to help me carry my books to my car?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m the only employee working here and there are other customers.”

Customer: “I beg your pardon? That’s rather rude! Help me carry my books to my car! They do it at grocery stores all the time. There is no reason why you can’t do it here!”

Me: “We don’t do that sort of thing here. If you want, you can bring back your bags. We’ll gladly re-use them.”

Customer: “No, I can’t do that! Now help me take my books to the car!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I just can’t leave the store unattended.”

Customer: “Fine! But if I drop my books and damage them, you’re giving me free replacements!”

(The customer scoops all her books up in her arms and storms out. I watch her walk all the way across to the other side of the parking lot, stop, and intentionally drop her books into a puddle. She stomps back in and barges her way to the front of the line.)

Customer: “See? Look what happened! Give me your phone right now! I am calling your managers and you’re going to get fired!”

Me: “All right, here is the number for our downtown store.”

(The customer picks up the store phone and begins dialing.)

Customer:“Yes, I need to speak with the manager right away… Yeah. I’m at your south store and your incompetent employee wouldn’t help me carry my books to my car. I dropped them and now they are ruined!… Well, yes… Yes, she did offer me bags… No, I’m not disabled… Yes, I’m aware that she’s the only… What?! I can’t believe this!”

(The customer hangs up the phone, defeated, and turns to me.)

Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself! At least I’m saving the environment!”

(I watched her walk through the parking lot again and get into her vehicle. Ironically, it was a huge SUV.)

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Literary Emergency

, , , | Right | March 3, 2009

(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

Me: “My answer won’t change.”

Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

Me: “I’m Jewish.”

Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

Me: “If he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

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He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best

, , | | Right | January 14, 2009

(While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)

Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”

Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk, and non-fat chocolate.

Me: “Oh, ok… I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”

(Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:)

Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”

Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers….”

Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”

Me: “Thanks for that advice.”

(While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add five pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)

Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”

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One Annoyed Paranoid

, , | Right | November 19, 2008

(I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grandson!” birthday card.)

Customer: “Hello… I only have this one birthday card.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”

(The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)

Customer: “Now how does this know who I am?!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”

Me: “Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”

Customer: “Well!”

(She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)

Customer: “And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”

Me: “Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Why do you need my address?!”

Me: “Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure, and it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”

Customer: “This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”

Me: “Um, I promise you, I am not. I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”

Customer: “You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!””

Me: “Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”

Customer: “If you work in the photo department, that could be Photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”

Me: “Umm, okay…” *calls the manager*

Manager: “What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “This thief is stealing my personal identity!”

Manager: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”

Manager: “Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”

(My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)

Manager: “Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”

Customer: “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON!? YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*

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