I’m buying some whiskey as a gift from a liquor store when a dishevelled-looking man runs in and starts screaming at everyone in the store.

Crazy Man: “You’re all going to Hell! God has never made alcohol! His Creation does not make any alcohol! It’s all processed and made by fallen men who want to drag us all into Hellfire!”

Cashier: “Stan! We told you that if you did this again, we’d call the police! Get out!” 

Crazy Man: *Even louder* “Alcohol is a sin! The Bible tells us all those who drink alcohol are sinners!”

Suddenly, a voice can be heard from the back of the store, in that stereotypical Black woman sassy voice that is so New York City.

Customer From The Back: “B****, Jesus turned water into wine! Get yo crazy a** out of the store and into church!”

Thankfully, Stan complied. My friend loved his sinful gift.

This story reminds me of a woman I heard about secondhand at my job. (I heard about it a few days after it happened.)

We had just installed those really nice Coca-Cola Freestyle machines that have like 100-plus options. Evidently, some woman came in, found out that the soda was now self-serve, and freaked out on my coworker, who was a sixteen-year-old girl. The woman screamed at her for several minutes until she cried.

And then, because that wasn’t enough, she went online and blasted us in a bunch of negative reviews for having the “audacity” to “make [her] fill [her] own soda”.

I Google searched the name (because these people almost always just use their full names on Google) and found her on Facebook. Of course, her profile was full of social-justice-y posts, including a whole lot of posts about supporting causes related to kids and adolescents — you know, like the one she screamed at until she cried.

Eye-rolls.

Related:
Those Aren’t Ketchup Packets, Those Are Red Flags…

I work at the front desk of a hotel. The hotel is pretty upscale and sits on a marina. A happy couple checked in the night before their wedding, and I just knew they’d be a handful, but I still seriously underestimated them.

On the first night (wedding eve), they kept calling for maintenance because they couldn’t get the fireplace to turn on or the jets in the tub to work. (It turned out that the trick was to press “on”.) Then, the complaints of loud sex start rolling in, followed by complaints of heated arguing.

We all survived night one. The wedding day was here. They got married on a boat with mainly the groom’s family on board. The bride got so drunk that they literally ditched her a** at the marina. One of the dock hands found her, eighties dress and all, wandering the boat slips.

We sent security to help her, but they couldn’t find her. While they were searching, she stumbled into the lobby bare-footed, losing her s***, grabbing every guest who had the misfortune of walking by, and sobbing to them. She nearly ruined a guest’s Versace suit crying on his arm (unsolicited and very awkwardly). Luckily, he was a good sport.

Before security could make it back, the groom showed up. They proceed to have a public argument and make-up (with plenty of PDA) for all to see.

Security finally rescued me and got them to their room. The last of the fun was more noise complaints of loud sex and arguing. Security pretty much had to set up camp on their floor.

I’m sure they’re still happily married to this day.

I recently got to nuke a former manager’s chances at my new job.

I used to work at a now-defunct bookstore chain, and a new manager was transferred into ours. All the employees believed that she was intentionally transferred there to tank our (previously well-performing) store so corporate could justify closing that location down. 

[Manager] drove away half the old-timers who had been there for years and knew what they were doing. She often took several hour-long lunch breaks. In an eight-hour shift, her record was four breaks. She also often left the store when there were no other managers on shift.

Three-quarters of our cafe staff quit (including me) after [Manager] fired the cafe manager over a minor incident. We all went in at the same time to submit our two-week resignation notice, and she swept everything off her desk in a rage. The result was a very heavy stapler hitting the wall hard enough to leave a dent. She had a screaming meltdown at all of us.

Immediately, our two-week notice became “effective immediately,” and we all gathered our things, punched out, and left. The entire time, we were serenaded by [Manager] growing increasingly more vile and personal in her freak-out.

A year or two later, I worked as an assistant manager for a competing chain.

General Manager: “By any chance did you work with [Manager] at [Former Location]? She’s applying for a management position with our company.”

I explained everything above, and then I added:

Me: “If you bring her on board, you will have my immediate resignation on your desk before the end of the day.”

Another coworker who had worked for her a few years before me at another location said the same.

Thankfully, the general manager took us seriously, and [Manager] was not brought on board. The sad part is that with people like her, you don’t even have to exaggerate; just telling the truth is enough to make any smart employer toss their resume.

I used to manage a pizza chain. Every Friday night, this lady would call and claim that her pizzas had been an hour late and demand a free pizza. The last time she did it, she caught me on the day when my girlfriend had broken up with me out of the blue.

I was already pissed off and hurt, so when the order girl up front yelled back that it was the scammer again, I grinned and said to put her on hold. I got this.

Scammer: “Is this the manager? My pizza—”

Using the caller ID, I pulled up her name, address, and order history and then interrupted her.

Me: “Yes, this is the manager — the same manager you call every Friday at 7:00 pm to complain and get a free pizza. Well, that’s not happening. Your name has now been changed to ‘SCAMMER’. You are no longer allowed to shop with us. The phone number for [Other Pizza Chain] one block from you is [phone number]. I’m sure they will gladly take your call.”

Then, I hung up.

Not two minutes later, I heard my order girl gasp and start crying, so I went out and took the phone from her. It was the scammer, and she was SCREAMING obscenities at this poor girl. So, I hung up and waited for the inevitable callback.

Sure enough, two minutes later, she called back, and I answered the phone. She started screaming that she wanted the manager. I said I was the manager. She cursed at me and I hung up again.

She called AGAIN, and I answered, leading with:

Me: “This is the manager speaking. Curse at me again, and you will hear dial tone again. How can I help you?”

She started berating me for my horrible employees and my horrible attitude.

Scammer: “I’m going to get you fired! My brother is the district manager! But it can all go away if you just deliver my pizza!”

Me: “Tell [District Manager] that [My Name] at [Location] said you’re a b**** and will never be served by us again!”

Oh, boy, did she get mad. Among other things, she said:

Scammer: “My husband is going to kick your a**!”

Me: “You’re in luck: you know where I am, and I’m the only guy on tonight, so it won’t be hard to find me.”

Roughly twenty minutes later, a man and woman came in. The woman was livid, and the man was pacing the lobby, all jacked up on adrenaline, ready to fight.

I was sitting behind the counter, and I smiled really big.

Me: “How can I help you?”

Scammer: “ARE YOU THE MANAGER?!”

Me: “Why, yes, ma’am. I am.”

Scammer: “[Husband], you’d better kick this motherf*****’s a**!”

Her husband came marching around the counter.

At that point, I got up — all 6’5″, 245 pounds of me — and looked straight down at this five-foot-nothing guy. He immediately turned around, went back to his wife, and started yelling at her.

Husband: “You said I had to beat down some dude! You ain’t say s*** about beating down a g**d***ed SASQUATCH! WE ARE LEAVING!”

That was the last I ever saw or heard of that woman. It was a great night.