You Need To Take A Mandatory Break-ing Bad

, , , , , , | Working | September 29, 2017

(My coworkers and I, both teenagers, are finishing up our shift. Our manager notices two empty plastic baggies on the counter.)

Manager: “Anyone know what these baggies are for?”

Coworker: “Meth, probably.”

Manager: “Where’d it all go?”

Me: “We smoked it.”

Manager: “And you didn’t share it with me?!”

Coworker and Me: “Nah.”

Manager: “A**holes. Don’t you know that sharing is caring?”

(We all went back to work.)

Parents Have Beef With Teachers

, , , , , | Learning | September 29, 2017

(I am a teacher. There is a very quiet but sweet-natured little girl in my class. She is no trouble at all to teach, but seems to be a little sheltered and clueless about a lot of very basic things, which has lead to her being picked on by other kids. Her mother, on the other hand, is something else entirely! At this point, she is going through an extremely bitter divorce with her ex-husband, and many of the teachers at the school loathe her. Despite presenting herself as a loving woman who cherishes “all living things,” she frequently resorts to threats of violence and intimidation to get what she wants. Last year, she tried to get a teacher fired for reading “The Ugly Duckling,” which she claimed promoted “bullying and narcissism.” Word around town is that social services have been investigating her behavior and are very concerned about the child’s well being. I have just taught a lesson on different foods and where they come from. The little girl is extremely quiet throughout, but nothing seems wrong. The next day at lunch, I get called into the headmaster’s office. My heart sinks when I see the mother standing there, looking like I just murdered her family.)

Mother: “THERE HE IS! THAT’S THE MAN WHO TRAUMATISED MY BABY!”

(The headmaster looks like he wants to be anywhere but here, but reluctantly pushes on.)

Headmaster: “[My Name], did you happen to teach a class about killing animals yesterday?”

(Unexpectedly, I giggle slightly at this, because it sounds absurd.)

Mother: “HOW DARE YOU TEACH MY CHILD HOW TO KILL AN INNOCENT ANIMAL?! YOU ARE A MONSTER!”

Me: “What on earth are you talking about? I said nothing like that.”

Mother: “LIAR! MY BABY WAS UP ALL NIGHT CRYING; SHE WAS HORRIFIED!”

Me: “Sorry, I’m really confused here.”

Headmaster: “Mrs. [Mother] claims that you taught her class how to kill animals and eat them; is this true?”

Me: “Not at all, [Headmaster]. All I did was give a class on food—”

Mother: *interrupting* “He told the children about killing a beautiful, defenseless animal! My daughter was too scared to come into school today because of what she learned.”

Headmaster: “Could you please let him explain?”

(Thankfully, the mother shuts up for a moment, and I am allowed to go on.)

Me: “All I did was explain where different foods come from, such as beef coming from cows, chicken coming from a chicken, and pork coming from pigs. I also explained how milk comes from cows and eggs from chickens, and how fruits come from the trees and vegetables are grown in the ground. I never once told the kids about any murder, or that it was right to kill animals for food. I just told them basic facts.”

Mother: “No child should learn about such horrible things! What kind of school do you think you’re running here?”

Headmaster: “Right; I’ve heard enough now! These are things even you learned in school, which you know for a fact are true. What was it that [My Name] said that upset your daughter so much?”

Mother: “My daughter is too young to know about animals being killed! Frankly, I think the two of you are terrible people for allowing this!”

Me: “Look. I understand where you are coming from here, but these are basic facts your daughter has to learn. She already has enough trouble with the other kids, and I’ve had to talk to several parents already about the other students who pick on her! When she goes to high school, she will learn about history, including violent topics like World War I and World War II. If she goes to [Local Catholic School], she will have to learn about different religious viewpoints, and some biblical stories that will be unsettling, or she might read English books with more mature themes in them. While I appreciate that you want her to grow up in an environment that is pure and untainted, I feel this approach is just setting her back.”

(For the next few minutes, the mother screamed at me and the headmaster that she was “going to have our jobs” before storming out the room. Later that day, she turned up at the house of one of the members on the board of education and made a big scene about wanting us both fired. Apparently, after repeatedly being asked to leave, she only left when the woman threatened to call the cops! The next day, she pulled her child out of the school claiming she was going to homeschool her because this environment was “too provocative.” Tragically, a couple of weeks later, I heard that the mother was arrested for assaulting someone in a supermarket, and full custody was given to the father. A few years ago, I happened to see that little girl with her father and stepmother; she looked like a happy and normal teenage girl, so I’m glad there was a happy ending. We never heard about the mother again.)

No Wonder The Video Rental Business Is Dying

, , , , , | Working | September 28, 2017

(I get a job in a video store. It is run by a married couple. The husband seems okay, but is very much dominated by his wife, who has a very bullying way about her. Fortunately I work an evening shift, so she isn’t often around. One by one, my coworkers resign abruptly, to be replaced by new people; the turnover is staggering. I run into one such coworker in a cafe shortly after she quits.)

Me: “I was sorry to hear you’d quit; what happened?”

Ex-Coworker: “[Boss], she’s such a horrible b****! She told me to wash all the shelves, so I did, then she made me do them again, then a third time, even though they were spotless. She wouldn’t let me sit down at all, even when there were no customers. She dragged me out of the break room when I’d only had three minutes; the kettle hadn’t even boiled! And she’s so aggressive; always right up in my face, and yelling. I kept thinking she was going to hit me!”

Me: “That’s terrible! She shouldn’t be allowed to get away with treating people like that!”

Ex-Coworker: “Especially after the court case!”

Me: “What court case?”

Ex-Coworker: “One of the other guys told me that she was once taken to court because she assaulted an employee. Actually punched the employee in the face!”

(Obviously, I’m shocked, and glad to be working a shift that she rarely attends. However, a couple of nights later my luck runs out; there she is.)

Boss: “There you are! I don’t pay you good f****** money to just stroll in here whenever you feel like it! Get to work!”

Me: “My shift starts at 6:00 pm. It’s 5:45. I’m early.”

Boss: “Smart little b****, aren’t you? Don’t you f****** talk back to me. Go and clean the shelves!”

(I head to the back room to collect a bucket, cleaning soap, and sponge.)

Boss: “Where the f*** do you think you’re going? I told you to clean the shelves! Don’t ignore me when I tell you what to do!”

(I’m vividly recalling my ex-colleague’s tale of woe. I’m determined not to let her bully me.)

Me: “I’m going to get some cleaning stuff! What do you want me to do, lick the shelves clean?”

(Then, [Boss] gets right up in my face, but I don’t back down. I’ve decided at this point that this job’s not worth it.)

Boss: “How dare you speak to me like that, you f****** b****? Who do you think you are, trying to give me trouble, when I’ve given you a job? You ungrateful little cow! In 12 years of running this store, I have NEVER had a problem with any of my employees!”

(This is too much. I burst into laughter.)

Me: “Seriously? You don’t think punching an employee in the face, then being arrested and taken to court is a problem? Yeah, that’s right; I heard all about it. I can also tell you’re about two seconds away from punching me in the face or firing me, so I’ll save you the trouble: I quit!”

(I storm away from her and grab my bag. She’s puce with rage, her fists are snapping open and closed, and all the veins in her neck are standing out, but I’m now out of reach.)

Boss: “You have to give notice! You have to give written notice! You can’t just walk out!”

Me: “Gladly!”

(I write “F**K OFF” on a Post-it, stick it to the computer monitor, and flounce past her. As I do, I notice a customer standing off to the side; in all the drama, I hadn’t spotted her before.)

Customer: “Good on you, lass! I heard how she was picking on you, and I’ve seen her bully her other staff like that as well. Well, madam, I’m here to return this video, and I’ll be renting from another store in the future!”

Your Humor Falls Short

, , , , | Working | September 28, 2017

(I am with my friend as she drops off her wedding ring to be resized. I am a very short person.)

Friend: “I’m kicking myself for not getting the ring a size larger. It never occurred to me that it would get this tight so fast!”

Jeweler: “It’s a sad truth that as everyone gets older, they also get bigger.” *he looks over at me* “Except you.”

Can’t Have The Cake, And Eat It

, , , , , , | Right | September 28, 2017

(It is my little sister’s birthday. To celebrate, we have booked into a favourite restaurant in the city centre, where one of my university friends waits tables. As usual, I go in about two hours prior with a birthday cake, and ask the staff if they would mind bringing it out after we finish our food. I bake and decorate the cakes myself as a hobby, and I get carried away, so they’re usually quite extravagant. I’ve themed this one around Pitch Perfect, one of my sister’s favourite films.)

Other Customer: “Excuse me, [Waiter Friend]. Could you tell me where I can order one of those cakes?” *she points at our table*

Waiter: “I don’t know about that. [My Name] makes them herself, but we do parties often, and I can recommend some oth—”

Customer: “No! Don’t fob me off. I’ll ask them myself.”

(She gets up and walks over to our table.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I am sorry to interrupt your meal, but I was wondering if you could tell me where you ordered that cake? I need one identical for my daughter’s graduation.”

Me: “I made it myself, but I don’t do this as a business. I’m sorry. I believe [Waiter] has a list of approved affiliate bakeries they use for parties. Contact one of them?”

Customer: “NO! You’re as bad as [Waiter]. You’re just saying that so I stop disturbing you.”

Me: “I’m telling the truth, but you ARE disturbing me. It’s my sister’s birthday. We are trying to enjoy it, but you’re causing a scene.”

Customer: “Stop LYING. You just don’t want me to have a cake as nice as yours.”

Sister: “Look, lady. She makes cakes for all her family and friends! Here; I’ve got photos of her making other ones.”

(My sister pulls out her phone and flips through it to show pictures of the two of us fooling around in the kitchen, making cakes. The customer watches.)

Customer: “Okay, fine. Whatever. You make them? Good. You WILL make one of those for me; I’ll pay you a reasonable amount, if I’m satisfied with the work.”

Me: “Nope, I’m not in the business. Sorry.”

Customer: “Well, you should be! I need that cake. You do understand I’m offering to pay you, here?”

Me: “People like you are exactly why I’m not. I would like for you to leave us in peace now, if you don’t mind.”

Customer: “Well, I never! So rude! [Waiter], fire her!”

Waiter: “Ma’am, she is a customer. How can I fire her?”

Customer: “Kick her out and bar her. She is so unhelpful!”

Waiter: “She is a customer; she can be as ‘unhelpful’ towards you as she pleases if you’re going to harass her. I’m going to fetch you your bill. I don’t want gratuity, and I’m knocking 25% off before you even START to quibble on the price like you normally do. Please pay it and leave, before I call the police.”

(The lady opens her mouth with half a mind to give my friend a dressing down, but shuts her mouth, pays up, and leaves. I guess she knew eventually to admit defeat.)

Waiter: “Sorry about that, you guys!”

Me: “Don’t mention it. Here, put that lady’s 25% in the tip jar; I’ll cover it. Thanks for getting her out; I thought she was gonna punch me!”

(The owner ended up giving us the meal for free, so we put the entire meal cost into the tip pool. They said that the lady was also a regular, whom they disliked and were trying to get banned, but that she hadn’t been back since our “altercation.” I guess cake can solve almost anything!)

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