You Can Bite Me!

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 22, 2018

(I’ve been feeling a bit ill, and my friend suggests I get some food since I haven’t eaten all day. The nearest fast food place has recently gotten self-service kiosks, which I really like using. After paying for my food, I go to the pick up area, and there are several other customers waiting. Three young boys, probably 12 to 15 years old, are stood flush against the counter, leaning over it and trying to claim every order the servers bring forward, loudly proclaiming that it is their food. The servers aren’t stupid, and do their best to work around them. One of the boys already has a bag of food; I don’t know if it is his or not. My order has some special food items in it, so it is taking a little while longer than most of the other orders. I’ve seen these jacka**es try and pull this stunt with about twenty people’s food by the time I see a server put my order together and bring it forward. One of the boys leans forward, grasping for bag.)

Child #1: “That’s mine. Give it here.”

Server: *doing their best to ignore him and keep food out of his reach* “Number 875?”

Child #1: “Come on, d**k. Give me my food.”

Me: *stepping forward, holding my numbered ticket aloft* “Me, thanks.”

Child #2: *reaching to grab food as it’s handed over* “Give it, b****!”

Me: *snatching it, drawing back, and giving these punk kids my best death glare* “If you try to take my food, I will f****** bite you!”

(I’m in my mid-twenties but I often get mistaken for being much younger.)

Child #3: “What did she say?”

Child #2: “She said if we take her food she’ll bite us.”

Child #1: “Please, you’re like twelve!”

(I take a step forward to challenge them, but they all take a huge step away, clearly wary I’ll follow through on my threat. I leave with my food and message my friend to tell him what just happened.)

Me: “You won’t believe what just happened.”

(I tell him.)

Friend: “See? I told you food would get you back to normal.”

Leaves Her Baby In A Flash (Drive)

, , , , , | | Right | May 22, 2018

(A customer comes in with her baby in a carrier. She sets the carrier down by her feet as she approaches my cash register.)

Customer: “Where are your flash drives?”

Me: “Over in aisle six.”

Customer: “Great. Can you just watch my baby for me? He’s just right there.” *points to her feet and quickly walks away*

Me: “Um…”

(I lean over the counter so I can see the baby, and he’s there sitting in his carrier. I keep watch on him, afraid that another customer will come and pull me away from him, or not see him on the floor and kick the carrier. The customer comes back about two minutes later.)

Customer: “Thanks for watching him.”

Me: “Um… Okay.”

(A few weeks later, I leave my cash to take some baskets back to the front door, and when I return, I gasp to see a baby in a carrier on the floor, unattended.)

Me: “Um! There’s a baby over here!”

(I turned around and recognized the same woman from a few weeks before, WAY at the FARTHEST till away, checking out! She didn’t even hear me call that there was an unattended baby. When she was done checking out she just slowly walked back over to get her baby.)

The Mole Sounded Better Off On Its Own

, , , , | | Right | May 22, 2018

(A customer comes up to me as I’m talking with three other managers. She is carrying a shoe box with a small blanket.)

Customer: *frantic* “I found this baby mole! Could you guys take him, please? I think his mother abandoned him!”

Pet Care Manager: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t.”

Customer: “BUT YOU’RE [PET STORE]!”

Store Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t accept any animals other than from our suppliers.”

Customer: “What?! What am I supposed to do with him? The vet won’t take him, either; can you please just take him!?”

Pet Care Manager: “I could give you the number for the wildlife rescue.”

Customer: “NO! THIS IS RIDICULOUS; YOU’RE [PET STORE]! You have to take him! Can’t you just feed him to your snakes?!”

Store Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t, but we can give you the number for the rescue.”

Customer: “WELL, I GUESS I’LL JUST KNOCK HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A ROCK AND KILL HIM!” *stomps off*

Homeownership Is A Deal-Breaker

, , , , | | Friendly | May 22, 2018

(My uncle’s friend’s partner has taken a liking to my grandmother. My uncle warns my mother to keep an eye on this woman; he doesn’t trust her, as his friend told him she was a golddigger, which is why he never married her. We notice that she has manipulated my grandmother into giving her specific items that she likes. My grandmother lives in my parent’s house, and one day my mother finds a handwritten note on my grandmother’s table.)

Note: “I, [Grandmother] hereby adopt [Friend] as my daughter.” *signed and dated by [Grandmother]*

Mum: “What the hell is this?”

Grandmother: “Oh, I was going to give that to [Friend] when she’s here today”

Mum: “Was this [Friend]’s idea?”

Grandmother: “Um… No, I thought it would be nice; she doesn’t have a family.”

Mum: “Has [Friend] seen this? Did you tell her that you wrote it?”

Grandmother: “No, not yet.”

Mum: “Please don’t do this again; I don’t trust her.”

Grandmother: “But she’s all alone; she’s got no family.”

Mum: “She’s got family and even grandchildren.”

(Mum made sure she stayed during the woman’s visit, happily telling the woman the story of how they had extended their house so that grandmother had her own rooms. She told me that the look on the woman’s face showed that she had thought that my grandmother owned the house.)

About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 7

, , , , | | Right | May 21, 2018

(I work in an electronics store. A woman comes in at around noon, ranting about how her computer that she has just purchased is defective. My coworker calls me over, as he knows little about this particular model of computer.)

Me: *walking over* “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Woman: *screaming* “Your s****y products are what’s wrong!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to refrain from the foul language, as it disturbs other customers. What seems to be the problem?”

Woman: “This computer doesn’t work! I brought it home and turned it on, and it’s just giving me this screen with some words on it!”

Me: “Ma’am, why don’t you try turning it on, and let’s see if we can work anything out.”

Woman: *grumbles* “Stupid [Electronics Store] employees and their smarty attitudes.”

(The woman finally gets the computer booted up.)

Me: “Oh, I see the problem. Your battery pack is shot. Let me go get a new one.”

Woman: “Like hell you will! And you’d better not charge me for it!”

(I go to the back of the store and retrieve a new battery pack.)

Me: *walking from the back of the store* “Okay, let’s get this thing installed.”

(I spend a total of 15 to 20 minutes getting the battery off of the computer. All the while the woman is saying obscenities under her breath about me.)

Me: “All righty! All fixed up! Now for the bad news. While the store won’t charge for the replacement part because of the warranty, I will have to charge a service fee of $4.50.”

Woman: “That’s f****** outrageous! I could’ve bought the battery for less than that!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, the battery pack itself costs about $25. So, I suggest you just pay the service fee and refrain from further profanity.”

Woman: “I… I…” *defeated* “Here’s my card.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Have a great day!”

Woman: “Smarta**.” *leaves*

Related:
About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 6
About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 5
About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 4

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