Wines And Dines On Your Dimes

, , , , , , | Working | November 16, 2017

(My wife and I are having dinner at a restaurant. While we both order at the same time, my wife receives her food while I receive nothing. We continually call our waitress down to find out what is happening, and she insists it is being taken care of. Because I don’t want my wife to wait, I let her finish. After an hour and a half, our waitress comes with our bill.)

Waitress: “I hope you have enjoyed your meal.” *walking away*

Me: “Hold on.” *looking at the bill and seeing my order and a substantial tip* “Where is my order?”

Waitress: “Your order? Well, surely you’ve eaten it.”

Wife: “No, he hasn’t.”

Waitress: “I distinctly remember bringing it out to you. If you could just please pay the bill at the front, thank you.”

Me: “I’m sorry, no. Could I please see the manager?”

(The waitress brings the manager and I explain the situation.)

Manager: “Well, this is the most ridiculous scam I’ve ever heard. Do you seriously expect me to believe it?”

Me: “Does it look like I’ve eaten?” *gesturing to my side of the table, which has been left virtually untouched since it was laid out* “I haven’t even been given my wine!”

Manager: “Well, it certainly does. Please excuse me for a moment.”

(The manager goes into the kitchen and I hear a loud clattering of pans and someone screaming, “WHAT, AGAIN?” The door bursts open, and a large man storms up to me. I’m secretly praying for my life, as I’m expecting to him to send me to Hell, but as he approaches the table he turns and faces our waitress.)

Chef: “All right, what did you do with it?”

Waitress: *blushing* “I don’t know what you mean!”

Chef: “Really?” *sniffs at her mouth* “You stink of merlot.”

(That’s the wine I ordered. Our waitress covers her mouth while the chef walks to the waiting station and starts tearing it apart. He comes back with a plate of a partially-consumed meal.)

Chef: “Sir, could I please ask what you ordered?”

(I show him the receipt.)

Chef: *to the waitress* “I don’t know who you think you are, but this is unacceptable. You’re fired.”

Waitress: “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME! MY DADDY’S THE MANAGER!”

Chef: “Really? Well, let me introduce you to the owner: me. You–” *to another waiter* “–take this gentleman’s order again, and everything is free of charge. I’ll get ‘daddy’ to take her home.”

(Our entire meal was free, and although I didn’t eat in the restaurant, we were given it to go. The restaurant lost two staff that night: the manager and his daughter. We were offered free meals there in the future, but sadly, we moved out of the city a couple of months later and never ate there again. This was the first and last time something like this had ever happened to us.)

He Is The Way, And You’re In Mine

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2017

(I am a teenage girl working at a popular restaurant in downtown. Nearby, there is a Baptist church. People regularly come to the restaurant straight after church, which is the one of the reasons why it is so popular in the first place. A woman enters and immediately comes to the front of the line.)

Customer: “I am starving! I just came from church and the service took super long. Let me go in front of these other people. They are not as f****** hungry as I am!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we cannot let you go first; these people have been waiting for a very long time. The wait will be approximately 35 minutes. Would you like to reserve a spot in line?”

Customer: “WHAT?! This is unacceptable. Jesus said to us, ‘The first will be last and the last shall be first.’ You should let me in front!”

Me: “I am sorry, but—”

Customer: “NO BUTS! Let me in front, you little b****! I bet you are an atheist! You’re going to Hell!”

Me: *clearly shaken but full of rage* “Ma’am, I understand the irritation, but there is no reason for you to ever treat me like you just did. Jesus also said to treat others as we would like to be treated. How would you like it if someone barged in and cut in line after you had patiently waited? I certainly wouldn’t.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “If you think that is following what Jesus wants, you are clearly mistaken.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll go to [Competitor]! Little b****!”

Me: “Please do so, and good luck being a Christian! And by the way, I don’t think I’m going to Hell anytime soon. I’m Catholic.”

Customer: *storms out*

(Everyone in the restaurant cheered for me and one gentleman bought me some cannoli!)

Born In The Age Of Legalized Marijuana

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 16, 2017

(My professor’s wife had a baby last week, and the professor takes a moment during class to show us a photo of him. We ask him a few questions about the baby and what the delivery was like, and it eventually gets to this:)

Student: “So, when exactly was he born?”

Professor: “Wednesday at, uh, 4:20.”

(There’s silence for a moment before everyone starts giggling.)

Professor: “Yeah, it couldn’t have been 4:19, or 4:21. It had to be 4:20.”

Me: “If that’s still a thing when he’s older, you should definitely tell him!”

(The professor had a sense of humor about it, but he quickly changed the topic back to the lesson!)

A Hail Of Outrageous Requests

, , , , , , | Right | November 15, 2017

(I work at a theme park. It’s a particularly busy day and I’m working at a ride that includes live animals, such as giraffes and rhinos. It has just started thundering and hailing, and we have to cease operation, as have all the other outdoor rides in the park. Most people are leaving the queue to get somewhere dry. I am standing in the hail, dripping wet, only wearing my uniform, which consists of shorts and a polo shirt. I am already on the edge of tears when a customer fights her way to the front of the line and starts yelling.)

Customer: “WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO RUN THE RIDE?”

Me: “I am very sorry, madam, but under these weather conditions it is not possible to operate the ride safely.”

Customer: “It is just a stupid truck going around; that can’t be dangerous. You’re just making excuses!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but this experience includes live animals such as rhinos and giraffes, and we can’t possibly account for their behaviour during this storm.”

Customer: “I AM GOING TO GO ON A DIFFERENT RIDE, THEN! LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but all of our other rides are going to be shut down due to the weather. It is not safe to operate under these conditions.”

Customer: “THEN MAKE IT STOP!”

(At this point my team leader comes over, sees that I’m covered in red spots from the hail, sends me inside the control box to warm up, and takes over dealing with the angry customer. My coworkers stare at me, bewildered.)

Coworker: “What the h*** was that about?”

Me: “I’m not quite sure, but I think someone just told me to control the weather.”


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Painting A Picture Of Mild Obsession

, , , , , , | Learning | November 15, 2017

(During the two last years in high school in Germany, you pick two classes as your “major,” for which you have more hours per week and exams count most during graduation. I pick art, and since only nine other people do, and we are all genuinely interested and enthusiastic, and as this is the first art major ever at this school, our art teacher makes class a lot of fun while also educational. For our final project, he allows us to each paint a mural on sections of the walls of his classroom. We get really into it and often spend not only class hours but also breaks painting. One day we go a bit too far, though.)

Art Teacher: “Okay, guys. Class is officially over. Pack up your brushes and clean up.”

Student #1: “But I just need to finish this bit! I’ll never be able to mix this colour right!”

Me: “I just got into the zone! Let us stay!”

Art Teacher: *sighs* “Okay, you can stay for break, but after that I have another class in here, so have everything cleaned by then!”

(We promise, yet somehow forget. Not a problem, since the next class has to be shifted to another room for whatever reason, and our teacher completely forgets about us staying during break. Ninety minutes later, after finishing his class, he comes back into the room to find us still painting.)

Art Teacher: “Wait, you’re all still here?! Do you have a free period right now?”

Me: “Uh… No. We forgot.”

Art Teacher: “You forgot to go to your classes because of painting?!”

Student #2: “Oops?”

Art Teacher: “I’m going to get into so much trouble for this.”

Student #1: “Can’t we just all say we skipped class?”

Me: “Yeah, nobody knows we were in here. We could’ve just gone to get fast food or something.”

Student #2: “Yeah, it wouldn’t be fair to get you in trouble for us messing up.”

Art Teacher: “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear this conversation, but I’ll also not talk to the principal or your other teachers until tomorrow. You guys decide whatever you want to do.”

(We agreed to stick with the lie of skipping class, and we all got detention for it. Retrospectively, I have to wonder if our art teacher told the principal the truth, though, since detention mysteriously got scheduled in the art classroom, so we could just spend it painting even more. I went to visit our art teacher years after graduating, and our murals were still there.)


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