(I’m a driving instructor taking a student for his first drive ever. It’s a quiet suburban street, away from major traffic.)

Me: “Okay, just pull out slowly and watch for parked cars…”

(As my student is doing this, a frustrated driver that has been following us pulls into the lane next to us, driving the wrong way since it’s a two-lane road.)

Angry Driver: *yells out window* “Learn to f****** drive!”

(The angry driver speeds off … and crashes right into a car heading the opposite direction. Later on, after we’ve pulled over and are waiting for the police…)

Me: *To student:* “Okay, that’s an example of what NOT to do while driving.”

(I was a customer watching this exchange. A customer walked up to the counter with his young child to purchase ‘Halo 3.’)

Cashier 1: “Just to check, you know this game is rated ‘M’, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Cashier 1: “Sorry, just have to check, part of the job.”

Customer: “What good is that for?”

Cashier 2: “It’s just to prevent minors from playing games with violent or mature content, unless parents are OK with it.”

Customer: “Well that’s stupid.”

Cashier 2: “It’s required by law. If we don’t check, we could lose our job. It’s a violent game – shooting aliens, blood, etc.”

Customer: “I’ve been shooting aliens since I was 12!”

Cashier 1: “Well, it’s our job and we have to do it.”

Customer: *storms out with the child* “Thanks for nothing!”

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the backroom for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

(A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a trouble-making customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

Customer: “Hi. I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

(The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck, then stops by the office.)

Customer: “All right, I moved everything out of my storage.”

Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

Me: “Merry Christmas!”

Customer: “That’s just garbage!”

Me: “Happy Hanukkah?”

Customer: “None of that s*** means anything!”

Me: *still trying to be cheerful* “All the chocolate is half-off tomorrow!”

Customer: “I don’t like chocolate!” *glares*

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