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How To Ensure A Blanc Stare

, , , , , , | Right | September 9, 2010

(An elderly couple comes through my counter with some wine.)

Me: *joking around* “Are you sure you two are old enough to have this tonight?” *holds up wine*

Customer: “Kid, I have underwear old enough to buy that.”

Customer’s Wife: *laughs hysterically*


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Mrs. Understanding

, , , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(A mother and daughter approach the till. The mother neatly places the items they want to take on the counter. The daughter throws an unwanted dress in a heap.)

Mother: *to daughter* “No, no, no! You pick that up! You hang that on the hanger! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hang it up and put it away!”

(The daughter starts to hang it up.)

Mother: “You need to understand what it’s like working here! You need to get a job in retail so that you will understand! Everyone should work in retail! When we get home, you’re getting a job in retail!”

(The mother turns to me.)

Mother: “Don’t you think everyone should work here? Isn’t this a terrible job?”

Me: “How about food service?”

Mother: *gasps* “Yes! Yes!” *turns to daughter* “When we get home, you’re getting a job at a restaurant, so you will understand!”

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

, , , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(I’m with my wife at a well-known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)

Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f****** long with my food!”

Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”

Customer: “You’d better!”

(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)

Employee: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Where’s the f****** ranch?”

Employee: “Right away, sir!”

Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”

Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”

Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”

Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*

Wife: *to the employee* “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”

Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*

The Router To Success

, , , | Right | January 26, 2010

Customer: “My Internet seems to be out. Most of the lights on the modem are blinking. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Then I started yelling at it; now I’m out of ideas.”

Me: “Have you tried a manual reset?”

Customer: “Again, I did the ‘unplug and wait three minutes before plugging it back in’ thing.”

Me: “Yes, but there is a manual on/off button on the back of the router.”

Customer: *silence* “OH, MY GOD! Well… let it be known that I acknowledge my own stupidity and I hope this experience hasn’t damaged your faith in humanity too severely.”

Me: “No problem, sir. I’m glad we could get it resolved and I hope you have a nice day.”

Customer: “Well, I’m brain dead…” *hangs up*


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In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

, , , | Right | December 14, 2009

(The phone rings.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

(She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz—  f*** this!”

Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

(He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD police officer.)

Police Officer: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

Police Officer: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

(The cashier explains. The police officer orders a slice of pizza, and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

Police Officer: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello… You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

(They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

Customer: “Problem solved?”

Cashier: *to the customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

Police Officer: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

Police Officer: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”