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A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2011

Customer: “I’d like Swiss cheese, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take Provolone then.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar. It is on the sign right here.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have Swiss.”

Me: “I think we have some in back. One moment.”

(My manager takes the American cheese into the back room. He cuts holes in a few of the slices, and brings them back out.)

Me: “Here you are. Swiss cheese.”

Customer: “I knew you guys always hid some in the back!”


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High-Five Cents

, , , , , | Right | March 2, 2011

(A line has formed at the cash. My boss is doing paperwork at the desk behind me. I finish ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Hello there, ma’am. Before I ring you in, would you like a plastic bag today? I only ask because they do cost five cents extra.”

(She looks at me in angry disgust.)

Customer: “You still charge people even though it’s raining outside?! That’s disgusting! Are you proud of yourself?!”

Me: “Since all of the proceeds from plastic bags go to a wildlife preservation foundation, yes. I am proud of myself.”

(The customer stalks away in disgust. I turn around to see my boss staring at me.)

Manager: “Did you just say that?”

Me: “Yup.”

(She raises her hand for a high-five.)

Se Habla Japañol

, , , , , , , | Right | February 2, 2011

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast-food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”


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You Couldn’t Make It Up

, , , | Right | January 17, 2011

(My job is to call people and pitch the brand of make-up my company sells. I call and an obviously really young girl answers the phone.)

Little Girl: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I talk to the lady of this residence?”

Little Girl: “That’s me.”

Me: “I mean, may I talk to your mom?”

Little Girl: “I have two dads.”

Me: “Oh well, never mind, then. Have a nice day!”

Little Girl: “Wait! Why did you call?”

Me: “I’m selling make-up.”

Little Girl: “Oh! One of my daddies loves that stuff. It makes him look pretty when he goes dancing! Let me give him the phone! Dad! Dad! Some girl wants to make you look pretty!”

 

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The Economy Is Crumbling

, , | Right | December 20, 2010

(The phone is ringing off the hook and my coworker finally answers it.)

Coworker: “Hello this is [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have that guitar game that just came out?”

(My coworker looks to me and I confirm we only have one left.)

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but we only have one left.”

Customer: “If you hold that f****** game, I swear I’ll bring you homemade f****** cookies.”

Coworker: “It’s f****** held.”

(Less than half an hour later, the woman came in to pick up her game, with a huge bag full of homemade cookies.)


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