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Caught Brown Handed

, , , , , , | Right | June 30, 2008

(In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

Me: “Excuse me, madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

Daughter: “Um, mum…”

Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c***! Call the manager now!”

(Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

(Her daughter dragged her by the arm and they stormed out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)


This story was included in our Chinese Restaurant Roundup.

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Bad Customer Tip #103: Pull A Clark Kent

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2008

(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”

Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

Me: “Um… sir?”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”

Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

Me: “Of course.”

(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

(He suddenly figures it out.)

Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*


This story is part of the Awesome Manager roundup!

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Never Piss Off A Man With A Meat Cleaver

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2008

(It is 5:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and the grocery store I work at closes at 6:00 pm.)

Customer: “Why don’t you have any big frozen turkeys? I need a 20-pound frozen turkey!”

Me: “Sir, we only have what’s left in the counter.”

Customer: “Go look in the back! I know you have some hiding back there.”

Me: “Um, sir, I put all the turkeys out already. What’s out is all we have.”

Customer: “LISTEN! I NEED A G**D*** 20-POUND TURKEY! GET IN THE BACK AND FIND ME ONE!”

Me: “There are no more turkeys in the back.”

Customer: “I’ll just go look myself!”

(The customer proceeds to march through the “Staff Only” doors and is met by one of the butchers who stands 6′ 5″.)

Customer: “GET ME A G**D*** TURKEY!”

Big Butcher: “GET THE H*** OUT OF MY STORE!”


This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

, , , , , , | Right | June 10, 2008

(I work for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might have ordered them?”

Lady: “No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

Me: “How old is your nephew?”

Lady: “He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

Me: “Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

Lady: “I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… You have a really thick accent!”

Me: “I apologize; I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones. I can’t understand a word you said!”

Me: “Okay… So, would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU.”

Me: “Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “Let me speak to a supervisor!”

Touché, Part Deux

, , , , , | Right | May 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received fifteen days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. You have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank Nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about four to five minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g0d-d*** mo****-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mo****-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*