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Bagged Himself A Steal

, , , , , , | Right | November 11, 2009

(I work as a cart attendant at a popular retail store. It is a rather slow day and my coworker and I are getting ready to go get more carts when I hear our undercover security guard yelling.)

Undercover Guard: “[Security Guard], stop this guy! He stole an iPod!”

(The security guard heads the guy off at the front but the shoplifter pulls a knife.)

Shoplifter: “Let me by or I’ll cut the s*** out of you!”

(Due to company policy, the security guard has to let him pass due to safety reasons. The shoplifter tries to run out the entrance while a rather elderly looking man is entering. The elderly man then proceeds to clothesline the thief, jump on top of him, punch him in the face, and disarm him. The elderly man stands up.)

Elderly Man: “I got him!”

(All four of us are astonished at what has just happened. As the security guard hauls the shoplifter into the security office to await the police, my fellow cart attendant and I start talking to the old man.)

Coworker: “That was the coolest thing I’ve seen all year!”

Me: “Yeah, where did you learn to do that!?”

Elderly Man: “Oh, that was nothing! I learned how to do that from my DI in basic years ago!”

(It turns out he was a Marine veteran who fought through WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam! The man was made an honorary employee and given the employee discount for life!)


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Learning By Example

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2009

Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a thirty-cent late fee on here for [Movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”

Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”

Coworker: “Well, it was a seven-day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”

(The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)

Me: “Hi, Mr. [Regular]!”

Regular: “Hey, [My Name], love the hair. What’s the damage?”

Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”

(The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)

Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”

(He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)

Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”

(The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)

Me: “You’re my favorite.”

Regular: “I know.”

(We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)


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Be Scared Of Customers You Will

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2009

(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket, please?”

Customer: “The Force is strong with this one.”

Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

Customer: “I challenge you to a lightsaber battle!”

(Suddenly, the customer whips out two lightsabers from under his cloak.)

Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

Me: “No, not today, sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

Customer: “But… but I have challenged you! I sense the Force within you is strong!”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *looks around* “All right, just give me one.”

(He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

(I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand, and runs out the backside door to the movie theater.)

Manager: “Well?”

(Literally defeated, I headed back to work.)


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The Dark Chocolate Knight

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2009

(I work in a coffee shop. I am on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in a Batman costume.)

Me: “Oh, my God! It’s BATMAN!”

(The boy stops, strikes a pose, and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)

Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”

Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”

(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)

Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”


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All-In-Wonder

, , , , | Right | October 6, 2009

Me: “IT Helpdesk at [University]. How can I assist you today?”

Caller: “Hello. You folks were supposed to give me a new computer. I have a note on my desk with the new log-in and everything, but there’s no computer here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. May I have your name so I can look up your ticket? ”

(She gives me her name and I look her up in our work order system. I recognize the ticket, as I was the person who set up the computer for her while she was out of the office.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ve found your ticket. I was actually the tech who set this up for you. I know everything was delivered properly and I watched as the department secretary locked the door to your office when I was finished. But you’re saying that there’s no computer there now?”

Caller: “Nope, no computer here. Just a keyboard, mouse, and screen. The door was locked this morning when I came in.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you said that there are a keyboard, a mouse, and a screen?”

Caller: “Yes, a keyboard, a mouse, and a screen. No computer.”

Me: “I think I see the problem. The computer that we upgraded you to is called an iMac. It doesn’t have a separate tower unit. The whole computer is there in that screen.”

Caller: “No…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “You cannot be serious!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I assure you.”

Caller: “Are you trying to play a joke on me, young man?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The whole computer is contained in that one unit. Have you tried turning it on? There should be a button on the back.”

Caller: “No… you can’t be serious!”

Me: “Please, just try turning on the computer. There should be a button on the back on the left-hand side.”

Caller: “Hold on…”

(In the background I hear the Apple boot sound.)

Caller: “Goodness!”

Me: “All right, just follow the directions for logging in that I left for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “This is amazing, young man!”

Me: “I’m glad! Let us know if there’s anything else you need. Have a nice day!”

Caller: “I’m sure I will!”


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