Happy New Cheer!

, , , , , | Working | December 31, 2015

(I am the customer/patron in this story, and I have done something extremely goofy… In my attempt to leave my parking space to go home, I have gone in the wrong direction. In my defense, if I have one, it is New Year’s Day and my brain is slightly clouded with a cold. This takes place when I reach the spot where I think I am going to have to maneuver a tricky turn to go back in the other direction and leave properly. I see three parking lot attendants, two women and one man.)

Me: *yelling out my window* “Excuse me… I think I’ve gone the wrong way.”

Man #1: “You sure did, but we still love you! We won’t tell anyone.”

(I hear a male laugh somewhere behind me, presumably another employee.)

Me: *grinning* “How do I get out of here?”

Man #1: “You can just go between that pole and the cone right there.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Man #1: “Yes. I have faith in you! You gotta be a risk taker! Just don’t hit those women in the crosswalk.”

Me: *laughing* “Okay.”

(I carefully start driving in the spot he told me to.)

Man #1: “Great! You’re doing it! You got this! You’re the best! We love you! Now just turn again around those cones and you’re good!”

(I start to make my turn and see another male parking lot attendant.)

Me: “Ah! I feel like I’m going to run over a cone making this turn!”

Man #2: *very cheerfully* “It’s okay, we do it all the time!” *he kicks the cone out of my way*

Me: *laughing* “Thank you!”

(I complete the turn and start on the proper exit path.)

Man #1: “You did it! You are beautiful! You are the best and don’t let anyone tell you differently!”

Me: *still laughing* “Thank you!”

Man #1: “Happy New Year! We love you!”

Me: “I love you, too!”

(I may have felt like an idiot for most of this event, but it was pretty hilarious and very sweet. Nice addition to the start of my new year!)

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Just Telling It Like It Is

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2014

(Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

Customer: “Regarding [Liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

(I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

(The customer begins walking out the door.)

Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

(He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

Old Lady: “Who was that?”

Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

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Best Customer, No Question

, , , | Working | July 21, 2014

Associate: “Hi, any questions?”

Me: “No, just browsing.”

Associate: “Really? No questions? What’s my favorite color? What’s the capital of Iceland?”

Me: “Reykjavik.”

Associate: *high-fives me* “You are the first person to get that! You’re my favorite customer!”

(Gotta say, I left the store feeling pretty good after that.)

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Good Customer Service Is Saving The Girl

, , , , , , | Right | June 18, 2014

(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant when a girl no older than 15 comes up to order.)

Girl #1: “I’ll have a number three with a [Soda], please.”

Me: “Sure. Will that be everything?”

Girl #1: “Umm… no, actually. I think I was followed here. If you see some girls come in and bother me, can you ask them to leave?”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do.”

(The girl takes her food over to the only table where she can be easily seen by all of the front counter staff, and she takes out some homework. Less than five minutes later, three girls come in, go straight to [Girl #1]’s table, and start talking to her. In the 30 seconds it takes to ask my manager for permission to kick the group out, [Girl #1] has started crying.)

Me: *to the group* “You guys are harassing this girl. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Girl #2: “It’s okay. We know her.”

Me: “No, it’s not okay. You can’t be harassing paying customers.”

Girl #2: “We can buy something. We’ll be paying customers, too.”

Me: “Too late. I won’t just stand back and watch while you harass this girl. If you don’t leave right now, security will be called and you’ll be banned from the property.”

(As our restaurant was located in a mall parking lot, being banned from the property also meant being banned from the mall, so they left pretty quickly with no more argument. Since [Girl #1] was still extremely upset, my manager let me give her a free milkshake and sit with her for a bit until she calmed down.)

Me: “So, what was that all about? Do you know those girls?”

Girl #1: “They go to school with me. I live in a group home. Ever since they found out, they’ve been following me around and making fun of me for it. I’ve been looking for a quiet place to do my homework for weeks. I can’t do it at the home; it’s too noisy, and I get no privacy there. And I’ve been to a few different coffee shops, and restaurants, and even the library, but they follow me everywhere, and no one has ever kicked them out, because they’re never loud or disruptive. This is the first place to help me.”

(I let [Girl #1] get back to her homework. After that, she came in a few times a week to do homework. I let the managers and other staff know of her situation, so there was always someone there for [Girl #1] to talk to or someone to threaten the bullies with banishment from the mall if they ever came back, which they didn’t.)

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Please Let The Coffee ‘Be Good’

, , , | Working | December 12, 2013

(It is the middle of mid-terms week and I am exhausted. I go to an extremely well-known coffee shop for a caffeine boost.)

Me: “Hi. May I please have…”

(I lose my train of thought mid-sentence. I put my index finger up as though to say ‘wait a minute.’)

Employee: “Are you trying to phone home?”

Me: *dazed* “What?”

Employee: “Well, I thought you were like ET… You know, communicating through your finger.”

(The employee mimics me by putting his index finger up, too.)

Me: “Oh… no. I’m just really tired and can’t focus long enough to order. Anyways I’ll have a [Popular Coffee Drink].”

(The employee makes the drink and hands it to me, then waves at me with his index finger.)

Employee: “BYE, ET!”

(After I left, I realized that he had put an extra shot of espresso in, free of charge. The employee put a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and earned that store a regular customer!)

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