Just Telling It Like It Is

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2014

(Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

Customer: “Regarding [Liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

(I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

(The customer begins walking out the door.)

Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

(He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

Old Lady: “Who was that?”

Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

1 Thumbs
5,136

Please Let The Coffee ‘Be Good’

, , , | Working | December 12, 2013

(It is the middle of mid-terms week and I am exhausted. I go to an extremely well-known coffee shop for a caffeine boost.)

Me: “Hi. May I please have…”

(I lose my train of thought mid-sentence. I put my index finger up as though to say ‘wait a minute.’)

Employee: “Are you trying to phone home?”

Me: *dazed* “What?”

Employee: “Well, I thought you were like ET… You know, communicating through your finger.”

(The employee mimics me by putting his index finger up, too.)

Me: “Oh… no. I’m just really tired and can’t focus long enough to order. Anyways I’ll have a [Popular Coffee Drink].”

(The employee makes the drink and hands it to me, then waves at me with his index finger.)

Employee: “BYE, ET!”

(After I left, I realized that he had put an extra shot of espresso in, free of charge. The employee put a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and earned that store a regular customer!)

1 Thumbs
2,180

There’s Something In Those Poppy Seeds

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2012

(My boss is known for being very strict, and demanding ‘good customer relations.’ He reprimands us if we say things that he thinks are ‘unprofessional,’ which has forced us to be very formal with everyone who comes into the shop. Today, he’s running late.)

Customer: “Can I get a toasted everything bagel, and–” *turns to [Daughter]* “What do you want?”

Daughter: *about eight years old* “Poppy seeds and cream cheese!”

Customer: “…and a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.”

Co-worker: “Sure, here’s your poppy seed. Just give me a minute to toast the everything.”

Daughter: *after a few seconds* “Mommy…”

Customer: “We’re almost ready to go, dear, mommy just needs her bagel, too.”

Daughter: “Mommy… I  dropped my bagel and the cream cheese is dirty.”

Co-worker: “Don’t worry about it. Here’s a new one for free.”

Daughter: *very excited* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Customer: “Bagel bagel bagel bagel!”

Me: *handing the customer her bagel* “Here’s your BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Coworker: *joining in* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(Suddenly, my boss walks in the door. My coworker, the customer, and I all shut up and look embarrassed. The daughter doesn’t stop.)

Daughter: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Boss: “When in Rome. BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

All three of us: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(My boss is still serious, but whenever that customer comes in, he starts screaming ‘BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL’ over and over again!)

1 Thumbs
4,687

Either Way, Someone’s Wearing Diapers

, , , | Right | April 16, 2009

(I’m selling movie theater tickets to a couple that’s obviously in their 30s or 40s.)

Me: “So for two adults, the total is $19.”

Male Customer: “Can’t we get a discount? She’s a senior! How old do you have to be to be a senior?”

Me: “She has to be 60 to be a senior.”

Male Customer: “She’s 59 and a half! Can we get a discount?”

(It’s a slow day, so I oblige.)

Me: “Well… all right. How about $16.50?”

Male Customer: “Awesome, you’re the best! So you gave her the senior ticket, right?”

Me: “No, sir, I gave you a child.”

Female Customer: *laughs* “Thank you! You’ve definitely got him figured out!”

1 Thumbs
6,562

Mind Games With The Mindless

, , | Right | April 29, 2008

(I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…)

Me: “How are you today, folks?”

Man: “We’re just fine.”

(We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.)

Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.”

Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.”

(The man walks away with a confused look on his face.)

Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.”

1 Thumbs
2,787