The Oracle At Register Five

, , | Right | July 7, 2009

(I’m helping out a backup cashier as he checks a customer out.)

Me: “Corn is 4078.”

Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What are the melons?”

Me: “4050.”

Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What’s watermelon?”

Me: “4032.”

Customer: “What’s the winning lottery numbers?”

Me: “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be working here!”

Customer: “It was worth a shot.”


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The Next Bachelorette

, | Right | July 2, 2009

(An elderly lady walks into a clothes store. She is wearing an exceedingly bright hat with a large, floppy flower on it. She obviously likes the hat very much because she looks at herself in every mirror she walks by.)

Employee: “You sure look spiffy today, ma’am!”

Elderly Lady: “Young man, I look spiffy EVERY day!”


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Becoming Familiar With Fiber

, , , , , | Right | June 11, 2009

(My dad is standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him is a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly has several more items than the limit.)

Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

Old Man: “Here, give her this.”

(My dad hands it to the woman.)

Woman: “What’s this?”

Old Man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”


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Every Valet’s Dream Come True

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2009

(A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right upfront. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

Me: “Well, if you insist…”

(I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”


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My Biggest And Loudest Fan

, | Right | May 13, 2009

(I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

Alumnus: “Well, just in case — SHE’S DOING A GREAT F****** JOB, BIG BROTHER!”


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