Totally, Like, Imperio

, , , | Right | May 26, 2011

(I want to walk into a retail store. There is a customer of my age (around 22) standing in front of the door. It won’t open for her.)

Customer:Alohomora!”

(The door opens as I walk closer.)

Customer: “Ha! Works!”

(She goes in and I follow her. This is a little store with not much space to wander around. A customer is trying to reach something on the highest shelf.)

Customer:Accio!”

(I shake the shelf a little so the item she wants falls into her arms.)

Customer: “Whoa! It really does work!”

(We proceed to the register, and she pays and leaves. I am in line behind her. When I get out of the store, she’s already there, standing by her car. A policeman is there, too, writing her a ticket.)

Customer: “Oh, but I really just went in for a minute! I didn’t see the sign!”

Policeman: “I’m sorry, miss, there’s nothing I can do. You broke the law by parking here.”

(The customer stares at him blankly, and then glances at me.)

Me: “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Imperio’!”

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Leave Your Baggage At The Checkout

, , , , , , | Right | April 7, 2011

(I am checking out a customer.)

Customer #1: “No, no, no! I want the fruit in a separate bag.”

Me: “No problem. I was just going to do that anyway.”

Customer #1: “No, I want them separate. They’ll get squashed.”

Me: “So, separate from each other?”

Customer #1: “Yes, of course! Or they’ll get bruised.”

(By this point, the customer has been rude enough. I put each piece of fruit in its own individual bag while he pays. When he has rushed off, both I and the next customer notice he has left three of the four bags of fruit behind.)

Me: “Sorry, just be a second.”

(I run to a coworker not on register.)

Me: *to coworker* “The previous customer left these behind. He’s wearing a red cap and a black t-shirt, heading out the exit by the bank.”

Coworker: “On it!” *dashes off*

Customer #2: “After all that fuss, and he forgot about it!”

Me: “The sad thing is, I’d put money on it somehow being my fault.”

Customer #2: “No, surely not?! It was sitting on the bench, plain as day.”

Me: “You’d be surprised, really. Most people are rational, but in this job you really do get to see all types. Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions, and we’re easy targets for blame.”

Customer #2: “That’s sad, but you’ve got me as a witness!” *smiles*

(The first customer storms back to my register.)

Customer #1: “You stole my shopping! Where is it? You kept it to make me look like a fool!”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s right here.”

(I hand over the bags, smiling.)

Customer #1: “Where were they? You hid them behind the register?”

Customer #2: “No, they were right there on the bench with the rest of your shopping.”

Customer #1: “Oh. I thought you’d forgotten to pick them up from back there.”

Customer #2: “They sent someone after you, too.”

Me: “It’s fine. It looks like you were in a rush. Have a good day!”

(The first customer scurries off grumbling and clutching his bags.)

Customer #2: “I thought you were just kidding! I had no idea people could be so stupid! And so very rude to you for his own mistake! I’d never blame any of you for something like that.”

Me: “I know. That’s what makes you one of the good ones!”

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Se Habla Japañol

, , , , , , , | Right | February 2, 2011

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

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The Economy Is Crumbling

, , | Right | December 20, 2010

(The phone is ringing off the hook and my coworker finally answers it.)

Coworker: “Hello this is [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have that guitar game that just came out?”

(My co-worker looks to me and I confirm we only have one left.)

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but we only have one left.”

Customer: “If you hold that f****** game, I swear I’ll bring you homemade f****** cookies.”

Coworker: “It’s f****** held.”

(Less than half an hour later, the woman came in to pick up her game, with a huge bag full of homemade cookies.)

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Drive Hoo

, , , , , , | Right | September 13, 2010

Me: “Welcome to [Fast-Food Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a number 1, 5, and 12.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be $12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

(The customer drives to the window.)

Me: “That’s $12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

(Pause.)

Me: “$12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

Me: “12.”

Customer: “Woo!”

Me: “09.”

Customer: “Hoo!”

Me: “12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

Me: “…09.12.”

Customer: “Hoowoo!”

Me: “90.21.”

Customer: “Ooh-oow!”

Me: “Well played, sir.”

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