Becoming Familiar With Fiber

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2009

(My dad is standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him is a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly has several more items than the limit.)

Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

Old Man: “Here, give her this.”

(My dad hands it to the woman.)

Woman: “What’s this?”

Old Man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

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Our EQ Just Ate Your IQ

, , , | | Right | March 17, 2009

(Our restaurant is in walking distance of an assisted living center so many of regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

Special Needs Customer: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

Customer #2: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

Special Needs Customer: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

Special Needs Customer: “Yes, that’s right!”

Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”

Special Needs Customer: “You know I do!”

(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)

Customer #2: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*

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Fighting Fire With Fire

, , | | Right | August 13, 2008

(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks, and screaming their little heads off.)

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

Father: *beaming* “No.”

Me: “No, as in, no, you won’t tell them to stop it?”

Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

Customer #1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

Me: “I’m so very sorry, sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

Customer #2: “No, that won’t do.”

Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free dessert…”

Customer #2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

Customer #1: “Well, we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

Customer #3: “Hold on…”

(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall, young men who look mighty pissed.)

Customer #3: *to the father* “Tell them to stop it.”

Father: *still beaming* “No.”

Customer #1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

Customer #1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

Father: “You’re lying.”

Customer #4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)

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We Need One Of These In Every Store

, , , | | Right | December 20, 2007

Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”

Nice Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

Angry Customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!”

Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive. I’m just checking our other loc–”

Angry Customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”

(At this point, the angry customer moved toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, stepped in. Mr. UFC grabbed the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and dragged him outside, followed quickly by management. The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)

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