About To Go All Old-Testament On You

, , , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2019

(My coworker and I are the only ones working. My coworker is flamboyantly gay. There are two customers in the store: a female in her 30s and a male who seems to be in his early 20s.)

Coworker: *upbeat* “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Female Customer: “Absolutely nothing! I refuse to speak to a [slur]! Get me someone else!”

Coworker: *upset* “Okay…”

Female Customer: “Yeah, go cry! You deserve it for being an unholy [slur]!”

(Suddenly, the male customer jumps in.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but I’d like to shake your hand for being such a good Christian.”

Female Customer: *looking proud of herself* “Certainly!”

Male Customer: “Oh, wait a second… Are you on your period?”

Female Customer: “HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT?!”

Male Customer: “Well, the Bible says contact with a woman on her period is forbidden, so I’m just making sure to be a good Christian.”

Female Customer: *turns red and runs out of the store*

Male Customer: *laughing* “God bless, b****!”

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This Story Sucks

, , , , , | Right | September 11, 2019

(I’m ordering an item for a customer. In some cases, we have to use the tablets provided by the store to look up the item number online, then input that into the register to complete the order. If you’re thinking that sounds unnecessarily convoluted and annoying for both employee and customer… yeah. It definitely is. It’s not helped by the fact that the Wi-Fi in the store is terrible, so as usual, the tablet is moving very slowly through the necessary steps. So, to help pass the time while we wait, we start joking around a bit.) 

Customer: “For what those things cost, you should be able to just take a picture of the item and say, ‘Find this for me!'”

Me: “You’d think so, right? But hey, we’ll get there eventually. Our Wi-Fi just sucks.”

Coworker #1: *overhearing* “Hey, don’t say the S-word in here!”

Me: “At least it’s not the worst S-word I could say.”

Customer: “That’s true; I can think of a few. Anyway, sometimes sucking is good. In my line of work, sucking is very important!”

Me: “Where do you work? Do I even want to know?”

([Coworker #1], [Coworker #2] who has joined us behind the registers, and I all burst into laughter before the customer can explain any further.) 

Customer: *when we finally quiet down* “I work in absorbent products. Diapers, feminine hygiene, that kind of thing. So, like I said, in those cases you want them to suck well!”

(The tablet finally loaded what needed loading and I was able to complete her order. We laughed through the rest of the transaction, and my coworkers and I kept making jokes about it even after the customer left. Thank you, wonderful customer, for giving me a much-needed laugh at the end of a long and hectic shift.)

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Animatedly Enthusiastic  

, , , , | Right | September 8, 2019

(My husband and I are checking in our one suitcase at the airport. The airline of our flight has multiple “DIY check-in stations” and several employees walking around to assist. The QR code that needs to be scanned is on my husband’s phone. He sticks the phone inside a hole in the station that clearly has some laser-scanning action going on inside, but nothing happens. An employee is already stepping up to help us out as I point out the animation playing on the screen on the station to my husband.)

Me: “You have to point the screen downward to scan, not upward. See?”

Husband: “Ah, d***, and it was so obviously pointed out right in front of me. I feel like an idiot.”

(He flips his phone around and the machine beeps.)

Employee: “Ah, sir, you need to– Oh.”

Me: “Sorry for not paying attention to the animation right away.”

Employee: “I… I have been working here for five years and I have never seen someone pay attention to the animation. You are the first to do it right without any assistance!”

Me: “Wow, that sounds… terribly frustrating. The animation is so obvious!” 

Husband: “Thanks for the assistance, anyway!”

Employee: “You are most welcome!”

(The employee turns around to help out someone else while the machine prints the label we need to stick around the handle of the suitcase. I take it and see that there are directions printed on the backside: instead of peeling off a sheet to make the ends stick together, the label will stick all on its own according to the two drawings. NOTHING on the ends seems sticky but I trust that the drawings are correct, so I stick the label through the handle and press both ends together. By magic, they stick like glue immediately. A second employee steps up to help halfway through my actions.)

Employee #2: “Ma’am, you need to… oh…”

(I have not seen a woman so baffled, impressed, and hopeful for humanity all at once. I cannot help but think that they talked about “this crazy couple that did everything by themselves at the DIY station” at their coffee break!)

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In This Argument, It Is Best That You Fold

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2019

(We used to have a slightly older woman working in our clothing department who everyone loved. She quit after years of working there because she had been doing it just for something to do and she finally got sick of horrible customers and even worse managers. She comes in one day a couple of months later and browses through our clothing department. The new girl spends about twenty minutes fixing a stack of shirts while another female customer watches her. After the new girl finishes that stack and goes to the next table, the female customer grabs a handful of the bottom of the stack. She knows these are all the same shirt because she has watched the girl fold the entire stack. She pulls them all out, toppling the entire stack, and then looks at the shirts in her hand for just a second before tossing them back onto the now-destroyed stack of clothes. The ex-employee sees this and goes off on the customer, in full-on mom mode.)

Ex-Employee: “What the h*** is the matter with you?! You watched this poor girl fold every single one of those shirts for almost half an hour and just destroyed them in a second! You go fix that mess you made! NOW!”

(The ex-employee makes such a huge fuss about it that every other customer within sight is staring at the female customer, who is now red as a beet. She grabs the whole stack and sets the ones that are still folded up straight and refolds every one that she messed up. It takes about another fifteen minutes for her to fix what she demolished, and then the ex-employee goes right back to being as pleasant as she ever is.)

Ex-Employee: “There! Was that really worth giving her that trouble? Wouldn’t it have been so much easier to just not screw with her? Maybe next time you’ll think before you act!”

(And with that, our ex-employee patted the customer’s shoulder and walked away with a little more pep in her step. Later, before she left, our ex-employee told me she’d wanted to do that for years and since she couldn’t get in trouble now it felt “so good!” to finally get to tell off someone who did that.)

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Dancing Up The Alphabet

, , , , | Right | August 21, 2019

(The large racing complex where I work has been completely rented out for an event with several thousand attendees. There are a number of different activities for attendees, and I am the sole person passing out ride tickets for the small racetrack I am at. You cannot get on track without a ticket listing your alphabetical group, since there are a limited number of vehicles available for each run, and we have a relatively small number of total rides possible compared to the number of attendees. With a non-stop line forming as soon as we open, people quickly have long wait times between getting a ticket and running their race. Because of this, many attendees try to wheedle their way into an earlier group – but this trio of 20-something guys was my favorite!)

Customer #1: “So, what’s the deal here?”

Me: “Well, I give you guys tickets, and when you hear the letter on the back of your ticket over the PA, you’ll head down to our grid to race. Our next available race is Group W.”

Customer #1: “What group are you on right now?”

Me: “I just called Group E down. The wait is over an hour.”

Customer #1: “Whoa! Is there any way we can go earlier?”

Me: “I’m afraid not. I have a single ticket available for Group T, but if you want to run together, you’ll have to wait until W.”

Customer #2: *flashes a friendly smile* “What if I did a dance? Would that get us in earlier?”

Me: *trying to maintain my composure, but some of my laughter is creeping into my voice* “I’m sorry, sir. Much as I would love to let you in earlier for dancing, I don’t have any earlier open spots.”

Customer #3: “He really is a good dancer!”

Customer #1: *laughing* “We’ll take three tickets for W, thanks.”

(After nonstop customers, and a number of shocked and upset reactions to the wait time, these guys gave me a funny moment I desperately needed!)

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