Fast, Furious, And Fined

, , , | Legal Right | November 25, 2009

(I’m a police officer and have just pulled over a driver for speeding.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Driver: “Yes… I was speeding.”

Me: “Ah, so you know you were speeding.”

Driver: “Yes, but I’ve got a movie due back in eight minutes!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not a real reason to be speeding–”

Driver: “Well, fine! You pay the one dollar late fee!”

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Driving Miss Ditzy

, , , | Right | November 25, 2009

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like me to take your groceries to your car?”

Customer: “…into MY car?”

Me: “Yes, I can do that for you.”

Customer: “You want a lift in my car!”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can take your groceries to your car for you and return the trolley.”

Customer: “But I still have groceries in my trolley! You can’t take my trolley yet! I’m not done!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want to do it yourself, that’s fine.”

Customer: “Wait! I need help!”

Me: “Alright, where did you park your car?”

Customer: “Hold on! Why the h*** do you need to know where my car is?”

Me: “So I can put your things in there.”

Customer: “No, this doesn’t sound right. I’m onto you!”

(The customer shuffles away with her trolley, periodically turning around to look at me suspiciously.)

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Circular Reasoning

, , | Right | October 9, 2009

(A customer in a big SUV pulls up to the pump. When she gets out, she realizes that her gas tank is on the driver’s side but her passenger’s side is facing the pump.)

Customer: “I bet that’s not gonna work, right?”

Me: “I don’t think so. You’d better try again.”

(She gets back in, drives around the same pump, and gets out. Her gas tank is still on the wrong side.)

Customer: *puzzled* “How come?”

Me: “Let me help you…”

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It Was All Just A Blur

, , , | Legal Right | October 8, 2009

Me: “Alright, ma’am, have had any accidents or violations in the last three years?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?”

Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.”

Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!”

Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?”

Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.”

(I then go to run the reports since she is ready to purchase the policy and find out she has had 2 DUIs in the past three years, two speeding tickets, one accident, and a suspended license.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the rate is now $486 a month. I would have been able to give you a more accurate quote if I knew about the DUIs.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought you just meant speeding tickets. I didn’t realize that DUIs counted. I mean, I wasn’t even speeding when I got them!”

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Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

, , , , | Right | September 22, 2009

Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.”

Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

(I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

Guest: “Fine!”

(He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

Guest: “Here!”

(I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

Me: “Here it is, sir.”

Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

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