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Humor As Sharp As A Razor

| Romantic | August 20, 2012

(I am working a late night at a paint and body shop. We have just finished painting a car and I have to scrape the windows in a few places where the paint sprayed a bit further than it should have. I call the local auto parts store to order some razor blades.)

Me: “Hi, I would like to order some razor blades, please.”

Guy on the phone: “Did you want plastic or metal razors?”

Me: “Who the h*** uses plastic razor blades?!”

Guy on the phone: *without missing a beat* “I’m not sure, miss. Maybe it’s Little Tykes for Emo Kids.”

(I knew at that point I didn’t want the order delivered, I had to meet the man with the same sick twisted sense of humor that I have. We have been married for a year now with our first child on the way!)

Of Emissions, Digressions, And Bad Impressions

| Working | August 13, 2012

(My province of Ontario has mandatory car emission testing prior to allowing license plate registration, so I bring down my vehicle to the mechanic.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? Just here to pick up the results of my emissions test.”

Employee: “How are you?! I’ll tell you how I am… f***ing s****y! Want to know why?”

Me: “Okay…”

Employee: “A wasp stung me in the eyeball at a backyard party this weekend. I’m not talking around the eye. I mean right in the f***ing eyeball… right in the corneus!”

Me: “The cornea?”

Employee: “Ya, whatever you call it… the f***ing eyeball! So, I was rolling around on the grass for like ten minutes, and my buddy Hank goes, ‘Wanna lie down inside?’ No f***ing way I was gonna lie down! I was gonna kill every last one of those bastards! Hank’s a welder, so I asked him to go get his acetylene torch so I could blast them to extinction, but he goes to me, ‘I’m all out of acetylene!’ What kind of welder is out of acetylene? Answer me that!”

Me: “I don’t know. Actually I have an appointment soon, so if I could just—”

Employee: “So THEN, I call up Tim ’cause I know for a fact he’s got a f***load of blowtorches, but his old lady answers the phone and she goes, ‘Tim’s passed out drunk on the lawn!’ Then, I got like the best idea I’ve ever had, and ran into Hank’s garage. Wanna know how to burn-up a wasp nest?”

Me: “I don’t have a wasp problem, so—”

Employee: “What you do is get a can of WD-40 and a lighter! Spray a bit at the nest to soak it, and then once it’s spraying you take a lighter to the stream! It’s like napalm! One can gives you like 20 seconds of burning. Trust me, that’s more than you need. I made those wasps pay… ALL OF THEM!”

Me: “Thanks, but I really need to get my emissions test.”

Employee: “Oh yeah, I’ve got the results right here. Your car did really well. In fact, these are some of the lowest carbon monoxide readings I’ve ever seen. Guess you’ll have to run a different car in the garage if you want to kill yourself!” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, will do.”

Employee: “Times are tough, man. This car won’t do the job. You need some old clunker that belches out monoxide!”

Me: “I don’t want to kill myself. I like my life.”

Employee: “In case you change your mind, think late-model car!”

Me: “Thanks…”

You Just Got Ownered

| Right | July 30, 2012

(My brothers-in-law own a garage and tow business. A very angry customer calls up one night with problems, so we send one of our tow truck drivers to tow his car.)

Tow Truck Driver: “So, what happened?”

Customer: “Just get the car towed and shut the f*** up!”

Tow Truck Driver: *gets into the car to check it*

Customer: “What are you doing?! I tried that! It doesn’t work! Just get the car home, you dumb f***!”

(Our driver obliges the customer and tows his vehicle to his home. As soon as his car is in the driveway, the customer jumps right into his car, tries the key, and starts the car right up.)

Customer: “Well, I guess I don’t have to pay you, right?”

Tow Truck Driver: “No, sir, I still towed the car. You will have to pay.”

Customer: “But the car works! You should have known that!”

Tow Truck Driver: “Well, I tried to ask and check the car, but you didn’t want me to. You told me to just tow it.”

Customer: “You should have checked. I’m not paying!”

(Not wanting a fight, our driver tells the man he’ll have to come down to the shop the next day. The next day, he comes in and finds one of my brothers-in-law at the garage.)

My Brother-in-law: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m very upset! The druggie who towed my car is trying to rip me off. Who hires such lowlifes? I’m not paying!”

My Brother-in-law: “Sir, the driver tried to check your car, and you stopped him and told him to just tow it. It’s not his fault.”

Customer: “This is f***ing ridiculous! I want that f***ing peon fired! He’s using my money for his drug habit, and he should’ve known my car was okay!”

My Brother-in-law: “Sir, you need to calm down or this conversation is finished.”

Customer: “Now I’m getting it from YOU! Another f***ing peon working a desk! How dare you?! You little s***s are all getting fired. Where’s your manager?!”

My Brother-in-law: “Well, you see, sir, he’s the tow manager, so he can’t really fire himself—”

Customer: “Now you’re being f***ing flip with me?! Where’s your manager?!”

My Brother-in-law: “—and I’m the owner, so none of that’s gonna happen.”

Customer: *shuts up, defeated*

My Brother-in-law: “It just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn’t it?”

(The customer left… after paying.)

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Customers Can Be Tiring

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2012

(As part of our Memorial Day Weekend special, our tire shop is offering a flat rate $10 tire patch for flat tires. A customer calls ahead to inquire, and walks into our store an hour later.)

Customer: “I’m here to get the $10 tire patch.”

(The customer places an extremely old tire on the counter.)

Me: “I apologize, but this tire is beyond patching. You are going to need to purchase a new tire.”

Customer: “The h*** I am! You told me on the phone that you could fix this tire for $10, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

Me: “Ma’am, we can only patch tires with holes or leaks that are in otherwise good condition. This tire has multiple slash marks and at least five nails that I can count. Not to mention, the rim is corroded and warped.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You’re doing this because I’m a woman. Don’t think I’m smart enough to know my tires? Well, I’m smart enough to know that your commercials says that I can throw this tire through your window if I’m not satisfied!”

(The customer tries — and fails — to throw her tire through our front glass. After a few attempts, she picks up a tire iron and starts breaking any glass she can find, including our front window and door. I manage to wrestle the tire iron away from her. At that moment, a policeman also walks in with his own tires.)

Me: “Ma’am, firstly, that commercial was clearly from [Competitor]. Secondly, there is an armed officer literally right behind you!”

Policeman: *sighs* “Ma’am, you’re under arrest for disorderly conduct and destruction of property.” *to me* “Can I go ahead and get these two tires replaced? I’ll pick them up when I’m done with the paperwork on all of this.”

(The woman is arrested and taken away. Everyone in the store remains silent as we reflect on the damage.)

Manager: “What the f*** just happened?!”

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Your Car Must Have A Telepathic Transmission

| Right | June 7, 2012

(A customer calls my shop asking for a price on a car part.)

Customer: “I need a price on a piece for a window in my car. No other shop seems to be able to give me a price.”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’d be glad to help you. What kind of car do you have, and what part is broken?”

Customer: “Does that matter?”

Me: “Well yes, ma’am…prices are different depending on what part and what car.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not giving you that information!”

Me: “Unfortunately, without a little more to work with I won’t be able to find out what it would cost you. If you’d be willing to tell me the vehicle and part, I could get you an exact price.”

Customer: “Okay, smarta***, don’t give me an exact price then. Just give me a ball park.”

Me: “Well, the part could range anywhere from $50 to $3,000. But again, it all depends on the year, make, model, and what part is broken.”

Customer: “I don’t appreciate being patronized! There is no way that this could cost $3,000!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it could depending on what the damaged part—”

Customer: “I want to give you a business tip: if a customer asks for a price, you give them an exact price! You don’t give them a ball park figure if they ask for an exact price, and you certainly don’t make up outrageous figures like that. If you expect to stay in business, you should work on being more helpful! *slams down phone*