Doesn’t Register How Stupid You’re Being

| Right | June 14, 2016

(I work in a retail chain selling car parts and accessories. We are often asked by customers to look up parts for their vehicle. The most accurate way to search is using the car’s registration number. One day a customer marches up to me and, without first politely asking for my attention or assistance, he barks his order at me.)

Customer: “I want brake pads for my car.”

Me: *politely* “Sure, can I take your registration number, please?”

Customer: *getting instantly high rate* “Why should I tell you that? I’m not giving you my registration number.”

Me: “It’s the most accurate way of finding out what parts you need. If you’d rather not give me the registration that’s fine I can do a manual search. What car is it?”

Customer: “I’m not telling you what car I have!”

Me: “How am I supposed to tell you what parts you need without telling me what car you have?”

Customer: “You should just know.”

Me: “Sir, with the kindest of respects there are thousands of different vehicles on the road with literally hundreds of thousands of parts available. Even a fully qualified mechanic would first need to look up what parts are required for a particular vehicle and we’re not mechanics here; we just work in a shop. Besides it would be impossible for anybody to tell you what parts are required without first knowing what car it is!”

Customer: “Fine, it’s a Ford.”

Me: “And what model Ford is it?”

Customer: “A blue one.”

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Driving Temperature Change

| Right | June 9, 2016

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Lady: “I need a thermostat.”

Me: “Okay. What’s it for?”

Lady: “It’s for my car.”

Me: “Okay, but what is it going in?”

Lady: “It’s going in my car!”

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Time For Her To Re-Tire

| Right | April 22, 2016

(I work at a large chain auto parts store.)

Customer: “Do you plug tires?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

Customer: “I have a hole in my tire. I just got air and it’s leaking out. It’s on top and I need something to put on it so I can drive home.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t have anything you can put—”

Customer: “Do you have any tape?”

Me: *stifling a laugh* “The only tape I have is scotch tape and that won’t work.”

Customer: “Can I have a piece?”

(I tear her off about six inches of tape and watch as she goes outside, puts it on her tire and drives off!)

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A Catalog Of Errors

| Right | February 9, 2016

(A customer comes in with an old catalogue and discovers the item he wants is no longer that price.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, that catalogue ended three-days ago. See the start and end dates on the front?

Customer: “I don’t give a f*** about where you’ve got dates. The price is in writing so you have to honour it! I know my rights!”

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Can’t Filter Out The Stupid

| Working | November 9, 2015

(I stop in to an auto store to pick up some motor oil, and notice that the high mileage brand I usually buy is on sale: “five quarts plus oil filter, $24.99.” That is a very good price even for the oil alone, so I grab five of them. I get to the register and put the five bottles of oil on the counter.)

Me: “Can I just buy these five quarts of oil and get the special price?”

Cashier: “No, you need to get a filter with it.”

Me: “Well, how much are these without the filter?”

Cashier: *scanning the oil* “$37.”

Me: “Can’t we just pretend I bought a filter? I really don’t need the filter.”

Cashier: “No, I have to ring up the filter.”

Me: “Well, okay, just put a filter on the check, and I’ll leave with just the oil, and then you can sell the filter to someone else. I don’t want the filter.”

Cashier: “Okay. What make of car?”

Me: “Please, I don’t want to go through the whole interview. Just pick a random filter off the shelf. I DON’T NEED THE FILTER.”

(The cashier went to the oil aisle, returned with an oil filter, rang up the filter and the same five bottles of oil again, which now cost twelve dollars less. I tried to leave the “random oil filter” behind on the counter when I departed, really not wanting it to go to waste, but the cashier insisted I had to take it with me!)

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