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Providing All Sorts Of Aid

, | Friendly | January 16, 2017

(I’m volunteering and badly cut a finger while hanging clothes. I go to the main office, and the first idle person I find is a psychologist I’ve never spoken with before. They are usually busy counseling people who fled from war zones.)

Me: “Hi! Sorry to bother you with trivial stuff, but do you happen to have a bandage?”

Psychologist: *jokingly* “Wonderful, something meaningful for me to do! I can finally apply my degree for the first time today!”

Me: “Yeah, this is obviously a cry for help. My sub-consciousness must have decided that I needed to hurt myself once my skin encountered the manic thrill of touching a coat hanger.”

Psychologist: “Perfect. A challenge. Attempted suicide by self-mutilation.”

(She hands me a bandage.)

Psychologist: “It’s nice to know that my full expertise can be applied to such a demanding case.”

Me: “Thank you for taming my bloodthirsty inner demon!”

(We joked some more, and once I went back to sorting clothes, I tried to be more careful than before. An hour later, however, I managed to cut myself again. Too scared to return to the office and risk making the psychologist worry for real, I worked the rest of the day stitched up with packing tape.)

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Time To Say Bye Bye Baby

, , , , , | Friendly | February 3, 2016

(I’m in an elevator leaving a subway station. Entering with me are an old man and a young woman, the latter with a baby stroller filled with shopping bags.)

Old Man: *leaning above the stroller* “Hey, sweet baby, look at me!”

Young Woman: *with suppressed laughter* “There is no baby.”

Old Man: *still face to face with nothing but plastic bags* “Why won’t he talk to me? He’s so quiet!”

Young Woman: *no longer amused* “That’s my shopping.”

(We exit the elevator. The old man still doesn’t want to let go of the imaginary baby and sets out to follow her. I start walking in the other direction until his tone changes and my conscience kicks in.)

Old Man: *angrily* “Did I scare him? Why doesn’t he answer when I talk to him?”

Me: *calling back towards them* “Hey, [Some Random Female Name], where are you going? Come on, hurry, our exit is over there.”

(She was very relieved to take the long way to the original destination.)


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Vegatarianiabilism

, | Working | December 16, 2015

(We’re talking about what we’d do if faced with the decision between eating another human or death. Coworker #1 is a vegetarian.)

Coworker #1: “I’d rather starve. Eating another human is even worse than eating an animal. I wouldn’t do that.”

Coworker #2: “Don’t be so sure about that. I don’t think you can know how you’re going to react in such extreme situations until you actually are in them.”

Coworker #1: “No, I know I wouldn’t eat meat under any circumstances.”

Me: “Okay then. If we’re ever stuck in a bunker together, we’ll eat [Coworker #1] first. She’s going to starve to death anyway, so we might as well eat her before she gets too skinny.”

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