Wasn’t Going Through Labor Enough?

, , | Healthy | May 11, 2018

(I work in a busy maternity ward, and I’m constantly amazed at how many people will show up to visit someone who’s just given birth. Your ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s ex-girlfriend’s third cousin from grade school will show without batting an eyelid. The following exchange is unfortunately very common:)

Visitor: “Hi, I’m here to see Lisa Jones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have anybody named Jones. Is there another name she might be using?”

(Even people who are married often book in under their maiden name, as a way of not getting too many visitors, and elderly people often assume the woman’s name is the same as her partner’s, even if they’re not married, because they can’t imagine letting the hospital know you’re having a baby out of wedlock!)

Visitor: “She must be here; she was only born this morning.”

Me: “Wait, is that the baby’s name? I need the mother’s name. She’s the patient. As the baby’s name isn’t registered yet, all babies are listed as ‘Baby of [Mother].’”

Visitor: “The father is Dick Jones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I need the mother’s name; otherwise, I can’t help you.”

Visitor: “I think her name might be Ann.”

Me: “I honestly can’t help you if you don’t know her name.”

Visitor: “Couldn’t you just check the fathers’ and the babies’ names?”

Me: “We. Have. No. Record. Of their names. Only the mothers are admitted as patients.”

(At this point, even if there’s only one patient on the ward named Ann, and I KNOW that’s who you’re looking for, there’s no way you’re getting in to see her if YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!)

Me: “Well, could you call her? Or the father? I’m sure he can tell you what name she’s using.”

Visitor: *doubtfully* “Well, I don’t really know him.”

(So, you don’t know the mother, as you, “think her name might be Ann,” and you don’t really know the father, usually a vague acquaintance such as, your partner plays football with him, and you maybe know the mother by sight, but you think it’s appropriate to come see her in the, hospital hours after she’s given birth?!)

Unfiltered Story #110671

, | Unfiltered | May 11, 2018

Co-worker leads a customer to me, co-worker has strong accent and doesn’t always show a good grasp of english.

Co-worker  “(My name) this lady is after (bad pronunciation)”.

Me “Sorry I didn’t get that, what was it again?”

Co-worker *instead of asking customer “(Bad pronunciation), what is?”

Me *to customer “Sorry, what were you after?”

Customer ” (Yarn brand)”

Me “No sorry we don’t have that brand, it’s…”

Customer “This is a yarn shop,  first she doesn’t know what I mean and now you tell me that you don’t carry it, I’ve bought it here before.  I know you have it”.

Me “No, it’s not possible that you bought it here because it’s (competitor’s) own brand”.

Customer “No it isn’t I bought it a few weeks ago from you”.

Me “No, we’ve never sold that brand, it’s (competitor’s) own brand”.

Customer “I’m telling you that I bought it from YOUR shop before it moved from (nearby location) to here.”

Me “(Competitor) was in (nearby location), they moved last year, we’ve been here for 4 years”

Customer “It doesn’t matter as you are (competitor)”.

Me “Umm, no we are actually (company) not (competitor).”

Customer “What? You sell the same stuff”

Me “Similar but not the same”.

Customer “So you don’t have (brand)”.

Me “Uh, no”.

Customer “So where did (competitor) move to?”

Me “(location 10 minutes drive away)”

Customer “How do you know what (competitor) sells?”

Me “I used to work there”.

Customer “So how much is (brand)”..

Me “I have no idea”.

Customer “But you used to work there”.

Me “Yes over 5 years ago and (brand) is a brand name not just a single product, you will need to go there”.

Customer “But it’s so far away.  Can’t you ring them?”

Me “Um sorry no, I can’t ring our competitor, you will have to do it yourself”.

She finally got the hint and left.

We Only Want A Pizza Pasta

, , , , | Working | May 7, 2018

(One evening, I’m craving some carbonara, so I call my local Italian restaurant intending to go and pick some up.)

Worker: “Hi, thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I would like one large carbonara for pickup, thanks.”

Worker: “I’m sorry, but we are only doing pizza for pickup and delivery.”

Me: “But you have carbonara on your menu. I will pick it up; I’m not asking for delivery.”

Worker: “Sorry, ma’am, we only take out-of-house orders for pizzas, not pasta. Today we have a special: one large pizza for $15.99 pickup. Normally it’s $18.”

Me: *thinking, “What is wrong with these people?”* “No, I’m not interested in pizza; I want carbonara. Are you out?”

Worker: “No, ma’am. We can serve you pasta if you dine-in, but we can’t take out-of house orders for anything except pizza, as pizzas that aren’t picked up can be sold by the slice, but pasta has to be thrown out.”

Me: “But I’ll come and pick it up. I’m only five minutes away. I’m not asking for it to be delivered to my door. It’s on your menu, so I want you to have it ready for me to pick up. I don’t see why you can’t do this. Could I maybe talk to your manager?”

Worker: “Sure, ma’am, but he’ll tell you the same thing.” *transfers me*

Manager: “Hello, ma’am, I’m sorry to hear you’re disappointed. My colleague has already explained everything to me. Unfortunately, I must reiterate that our policy for out-of-house is pizza only. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me:” No, I don’t get why you won’t just make something already on your menu that I can pick up very quickly. If it’s on your menu, you should make it. You’ve just lost my business.” *click*

(I walked down, anyway, thinking I could ask again in person so they knew they weren’t being ripped off. The kicker? I saw someone walk out with a box of pasta in their hands. I have not been back since!)

Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 7, 2018

(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when he updates me on what’s happening in his game.)

Significant Other: “Hey, baby, I just f***** the princess!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s awesome, hun. Want to do it again?”

Significant Other: “Nah, I don’t think I can get back to that part of the game again, because it’s story-based.”

Me: “Uh… Babe…”

Significant Other: “What?”

Me: *raises eyebrow, looks down at towel covering me, looks back at oblivious fool*

Significant Other: “Oh. Well, then…” *races me to the bedroom*

Should Buy A Listening Game

, , , | Right | May 6, 2018

Me: *answers phone* “Trade and save at [Store], [Location]. This is [My Name].”

Customer: “Hi, is this [Store]?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “Do you trade games?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Wait, is this the [Location] store?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “Wow, thanks a lot! You’ve been very helpful. Who was I speaking to?”

Me: “This is [My Name].”

Customer: “Thanks! Bye!”

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