Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I want to return this laptop I bought from you yesterday.”

Me: “Oh, really? Why? Is there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yes there is! It has witchcraft in it!”

Me: “Witchcraft?”

Customer: “Yes! When I tried to install a program on it, it said it was starting a wizard. Wizards and witchcraft are evil! I don’t know why you would sell such things at a store like this!”

Me: “Ma’am, a ‘wizard’ on a computer is just the name of the program that helps the install process. It makes it quick so that it is like magic, hence the name ‘wizard’.”

Customer: “I don’t care about your make-believe hullabaloo religion! It goes against my beliefs to have anything to do with that type of thing! Now give me my refund so I can be out of this evil place!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, this way.”

(I’m serving a family at the box office. The wife keeps looking nervously at the ‘Vampires Suck’ poster we have on display.)

Me: “You’ll be in Cinema six for Tomorrow. Enjoy your movie, guys!”

Wife: “Excuse me, I just have one question.”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: *leans in close* “Are people actually watching Vampires Suck?”

Me: “Yes, it’s very popular with young teenagers and has sold out a few times.”

Wife: “But… but… it’s insulting Twilight!”

Me: “I know; I saw it, too.”

(The husband quickly grabbed his wife by the arm before she could say anything else.)

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(One of my students was absent the day of a test and she has had just handed it in.)

Me: “Okay, class. Now that [Student] has done the test, I can give you them back.”

(I hand out the test papers.)

Student: “Where’s mine?”

Me: “You just did yours today. I’ll have it back to you tomorrow.”

Student: “But you just said!”

Me: “How was I supposed to mark it in five minutes?”

Student: *completely serious* “Doesn’t it just automatically mark itself?”

(I work at a bakery that cuts bread with a machine.)

Me: “Okay, sir, would you like me to cut your bread for you?”

Customer: “How?”

Me: “This machine here will cut it.”

Customer: “You use a machine rather than cutting it by hand?!”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is quicker and gets the job done well.”

Customer: *at this point he is getting furious* “This is outrageous! You use a machine to do a man’s job! You are putting people out of their jobs! You are ruining the natural process of man and the cutting of bread.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t realize. Would you like me to cut your bread by hand?”

Customer: “No, use the machine! I’m in a big rush to get to my sister’s place. It’s her birthday, you know.”

This story is part of our Ironic Customer roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times The Post Office Was Unable To Deliver That Much Stupid

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(We are having our federal election. I have just given a voter her ballot papers, and she told me she was familiar with how to vote. However, about 5 minutes later, I see her desperately trying to get her hand into the ballot box.)

Customer: “Someone help me!”

Me: “What is it? Are you okay?”

Customer: “No! I voted for the wrong person! I don’t want that evil man running my country! I just got confused!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, I can’t get into the ballot box until 6 pm tonight. Tell me what happened, and I’ll ask my supervisor if there’s anything we can do.”

Customer: “I meant to vote for Julia Gillard but I accidentally put my preference down as Labour!”

Me: “I think you’re okay then. Julia Gillard is the Labour representative.”

Customer: *suddenly looking shifty* “Well duh. Why else would I have voted for Labour?”