Sick Of Your Morning Sickness

, , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(My mother-in-law is pretty traditional and incredibly opinionated: marriage before intimacy, and so on. Sometimes she speaks her often ridiculous opinions before she processes the logistics. Before I was married, if had a stomach bug or anything it was always the same:)

Mother-In-Law: “There’s a bug going around; you’ll live.”

(Fast forward to my honeymoon. We’re gone seven days. On the flight back, my husband and I both start feeling a bit gross: nausea, stomach cramps, etc. We pop in to see my husband’s family when we get back.)

Mother-In-Law: “You must be pregnant.”

Me: “Yeah, no. And, anyway, [Husband] is sick, too. Is he pregnant?”

Mother-In-Law: *ignoring my comment* “Trust me; you’re definitely pregnant. Get a test.”

(She walked away, leaving me dumbstruck. She never jumped to this confusion before we were married. I mean, we lived together for six years. And by the way, we were both fine.)

The Gay Gatsby

, , , , , , , , , | Learning | January 9, 2018

(We’re studying “The Great Gatsby” in English. It might not be explicitly stated, but everyone comes to the same conclusion about one of the character’s sexualities.)

Me: “[Teacher], is Nick Carraway supposed to be gay?”

Teacher: *shocked* “I don’t think so. What makes you ask?”

Me: “The way he’s always describing Gatsby’s beauty…”

Student #1: “And the way that Daisy’s supposed to be really hot, but his only comment about her is that she has a nice voice.”

Student #2: “And the way that he’s supposed to be attracted to Jordan, and he describes her and makes her sound really masculine.”

Me: “And why did he end up in a bedroom in New York with that guy in his underwear… Mr. McKee or something?

Teacher: “Well, it’ll be an interesting topic to think about for your final essay. Now, let’s get back on track.

(By chance, we hit another paragraph with Nick describing Gatsby during the lesson.)

Teacher: *reading out loud* “’There was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promise of life…’”

(The entire class begins to smile and raise our hands.)

Teacher: “Not a word. From any of you. Not one.”

Salty About The Chips

, , , , , , , | Working | January 9, 2018

(I’m a carer for a young man who has autism. Like a lot of autistic children, he can be picky about what he will and will not eat. As a reward for recent good behaviour, I take him to the local fish and chips shop for some hot chips.)

Server: “What can I get you?”

Me: “Can I please have a large chips, no salt?”

(The server sighs and stalks away. I think it is weird, but I let it go. The server cooks up a fresh order of fries… only to add salt to them.)

Me: “Sorry, but it was a large chips with no salt.”

Server: “Oh. I forgot. No big deal, though, right?” *tries to give me the chips*

Me: “No. Big deal. I need you to make a fresh order with no salt, please.”

Server: “C’mon, I know that this is just a ploy that people do to get a fresh batch of chips, and you’re just going to add salt to them. You saw me cook them fresh, so it’s fine.”

Me: “No. If I give [Boy] chips with salt, he will lick off the salt and not eat the chips. Please give me what I ordered, or I’ll be forced to ask for a manager.”

(The server sighed, rolled her eyes and muttered up a storm, but eventually she gave me an order of saltless fries. I think I’ll try somewhere else to get hot chips, next time.)

The Case Of The Two-Dollar Punch

, , | Romantic | January 9, 2018

(My partner and I are getting out of bed to start the day. I’ve been a sleep-walker/talker since childhood, though it’s rarer now that I’m older.)

Partner: “Do you remember waking me up last night?”

Me: “What? Well, I guess. I needed a drink around four. Sorry I woke you.”

Partner: “No, earlier than that. You punched me in the back.”

Me: “What?!”

Partner: “Yeah, you hit me, and when I rolled over to ask why, you looked me right in the face and said—” *drops his voice to a creepy whisper* “—’twoooooo dollar.'”

Me: “…”

Partner: “Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.”

Me: “No. No, I do not remember that.”

Partner: “I’m going to get a security camera or something set up in here one of these days, just to record the creepy s*** your unconscious a** says.”

Unfiltered Story #103612

| Unfiltered | January 9, 2018

I am driving home after a family birthday party, the trip is about an hour and a half so I have the radio on and am singing along. My daughter usually tells me to turn the radio down as she usually listens to her music with headphones and doesn’t talk. She removes the headphones.

Daughter “That song, isn’t it from a movie?”

Me “Probably, I can’t think of which one right now”. We listen for a little longer, I realise which movie and am about to say the name.

Daughter *excitedly “Oh, it’s from Shrek”

Me “I did think that” *The next song starts playing.

Daughter “That’s from Shrek too”

*My car radio puts up the name of the next song for the particular station we are listening to and she spends the rest of the trip home asking about the song, if they are from movies etc. It’s probably the longest conversation we’ve had on a drive, all started with my 25 year old daughter getting excited over hearing a song that was in Shrek

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