(I am recounting a true story I read on the Internet to my mother where a Jewish bride-to-be receives a cross necklace from a relative to wear at the wedding. She doesn’t seem to react as strongly as I expected, so I decide to clarify just what is wrong. Note that while my mom is Catholic, I’m atheist.)

Me: “Jewish people don’t believe in Jesus.”

Mom: “Why not? They don’t believe in having a god?”

Me: “They just go by the Old Testament.”

(I’m not exactly sure what happened at this point, but about two sentences later:)

Me: “Well, the Old Testament is pretty much a collection of stories of God getting angry and killing people.”

Mom: “God never killed anyone!”

Me: “Forty days and forty nights?”

(She gave me a look and left the room.)

(I run a walking food tour and recently put out a competition for someone to win a double pass on the tour, including lots of delicious food bought for them along the way. It was a Facebook competition and people had to ‘Like’ our page, ‘Tag’ a friend, and ‘Share’ the post. You’d think it would be fairly simple, except some people would put extra comments in.)

Me: “Don’t forget to Like our page, Tag a friend, and Share the post, to give you a chance to win!”

Customer: “I tag [Name #1] and [Name #2] and [Name #3]. We would love this. We need some fun and great eating at the moment because our 18-year-old brother was killed in a car accident last Saturday.”

Me: *to a friend* “Well then, now I will feel guilty if I don’t give it to them, but who says that just to win a prize?

(I know someone who seems to think that any illnesses are like a competition. She’s rung me and I’ve croakingly answered the phone.)

Friend: “Oh, my God, [My Name], what is wrong with your voice?”

Me: “I’ve been sick all weekend.”

Friend: “Oh, no. Does it help that I’ve got a bad back today?”

(WTF? Does it help? No, I’m not in some sort of competition. She does this all the time.)

(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)

Customer: “[My Name]… Is that really your name or just a name tag?”

Me: “It’s my real name.”

Customer: “Want to see something funny, [My Name]?”

Me: “Sure!”

(The customer proceeds to lift up his shirt to reveal a tattoo just above quite a sensitive region that says “Property of [My Name]”!)

Me: “Oh, wow!”

Customer: “Yeah, that was a mistake.”

Me: “Ex-girlfriend?”

Customer: “Got it in one.”

Me: “That’s why I’ve vowed never to get a partner’s name tattooed.”

Customer: “I have ten girl’s names on me. Oh, wait, nine. I got one covered up.”

Me: “Well, we all make mistakes.”

Customer: “Yeah… Some of us nine or ten times more than others.”

(I love that he had such a great sense of humour about it!)

(During every lecture, our professor gives us a two question quiz on paper, which you hand in at the end. You would think after successfully completing thirteen years of school, students would know to put their name on anything they are handing in, but alas, they apparently have not learned. At the end of lecture:)

Professor: “Make sure you put your name on it! I do hold it up to the light and try to feel your psychic signature, but if that doesn’t work… it goes straight in the bin.”