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Through The Looking Staff

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2011

(I am standing next to the counter. A customer walks right up close to me, looking at me intently.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “What?! I don’t want to talk to you! I just wanted to look at you!”

Reason For Refund Holds Water

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2011

Customer: “I’d like to return this hat; it didn’t meet my expectations.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this for you. The hat is wet.”

Customer: “I wouldn’t call it wet. That’s a bit presumptuous of you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I don’t think it is. It’s wet.”

Customer: “And where does it say in your returns policy that all items must be dry?”

Polymorphic Pleasantries

, , , , | Right | March 28, 2011

(I am calling a Housing Trust tenant to arrange a new time for us to re-glaze her shower screen. The maintenance centre has just called to say this particular elderly lady has several doctor’s appointments. These conflict with her original appointment time.)

Me: “Hello. This is [My Name] from [Glazing Business]. How are you?”

Tenant: *chirpily* “Oh, terrible. It’s this blasted weather, you know.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Tenant: “That’s alright, love. How are you anyway?”

Me: “Alright, thank you. I agree with you about the weather, though. Anyway, I was just calling about–”

Tenant: “Oh, yes. I am all dizzy, and my head hurts. And it doesn’t help that I’m allergic to the sun.”

Me: “That must be very frustrating. I just spoke to–”

Tenant: “And I’m polymorphic! If I go outside and change form, they’ll get me!”

Me: “That’s not a good situation to be in at all. Anyway, I understand you’ll be going into hospital on Tuesday morning. We need to change your appointment time. Is–”

Tenant: “I hope I win the $20mil in the lottery this weekend. Then I can move to Tasmania. Oh, the weather in Tasmania! I hear it’s beautiful and cool over there. Not like here!”

Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that too.”

Tenant: “Oh, you’ve been there? What’s it like?”

Me: “No, but I do have it on good authority that it is definitely cold.”

Tenant: “Oh, good. I hate being in this pension house. If I win this weekend, I will move to Tasmania and get rid of the pension. They can’t get me there, because it’s over the strait.”

Me: “It would be wonderful if you did win. Can we come Tuesday afternoon to fix your shower screen?”

Tenant: “Hang on darling, I’m blind.” *papers shuffle* “Sure, love. I’ll be home from the hospital by then.”

Me: “Fantastic. It was lovely talking to you!”

Tenant: “And to you, dear! When I win this weekend, you can have a share.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you. Have a lovely weekend!”

Tenant: “You too, dear.” *hangs up*

His Logic Has More Than Meets The Eye

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2011

(A customer walks in with a pair of glasses.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Do you mind pushing the lenses out of this frame for me? My wife wants just the frame for her lab work. She would like to use them as safety glasses.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The frame would be useless if I pushed the lenses out.”

Customer: “No. She’s going to use them as safety glasses in the lab.”

Me: “Are you sure, sir? It wouldn’t meet the standard of safety glasses if it doesn’t have any lenses.”

Customer: “Yes! I’m 100% sure that they will work as safety glasses without any lenses.”

(I remove the lenses for him.)

Me: “Okay. If something was going to fling into her face, what would protect her eyes?”

Customer: “These safety glasses!”

A Complete Debarkle

, , , | Right | March 9, 2011

(I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”


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