A Stern Warning For Hypochondriacs

, , , | Right | March 16, 2010

(I am on a ferry. I see a woman sitting in a chair with her head between her legs looking rather ill.)

Me: “Are you all right? Can I help with anything?”

Passenger: “I think I’m really seasick.”

Me: “Oh, well, uh, are you sure it’s not flu or something you’ve eaten?”

Passenger: “No, I’ve never felt like this before. I know I’m seasick.”

Me: “Oh, okay then. I’ll just go see if I can find the medic.”

(I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we hadn’t even untied yet.)

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Seriously Bad Hair Day

, , , , | Right | March 11, 2010

(It’s 10 pm. We are in the final motions of locking up: registers closed and lights off. I’m just locking the door.)

Customer: *runs up in a panic* “Oh, no! You are closed? It’s an emergency! I really need to buy one thing!”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed. Maybe you could come back in the morning.”

Customer: “No! I can’t wait that long-this is an emergency! Please help me!”

Me: “Okay, I suppose I can help you quickly for an emergency. Do you need antibiotics or paracetamol or something?”

Customer: “I need a packet of hair pins!”

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Scratching Is Believing

, , , , , | Right | March 11, 2010

(A customer appears at my elbow and grabs my arm.)

Customer: “You’re wearing too much make-up!”

Me: “I’m not wearing any makeup. I just have chapstick on my lips.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

(Suddenly, the customer scratches her nail down my cheek and checks under it for make-up.)

Customer: “Oh, I guess you’re not. You have lovely skin.” *walks away*

(Her scratch left a huge red mark on my lovely skin that was still clearly visible three days later.)

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That Would Be A Mis-Steak

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2010

Customer: “Does this honey-baked ham contain real honey?”

Me: “Yes, it’s a honey glaze.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t get it, then. It was for my daughter; she’s vegan. She can’t have honey, as she doesn’t believe in eating any animal products.”

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Tricky Customers Are Just Killer, Part 2

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2010

(I am sitting on a well-known whale-watching beach gathering data on migration numbers. I have a pair of binoculars.)

Tourist: “When are you going to put up the flags?”

Me: “Oh, no, I am not a lifesaver.”

Tourist: “Of course you are. Who else sits on a beach with binoculars?”

Me: “Actually, I am recording how many whales go by.”

Tourist: “Whales? There are no whales here. This is a swimming beach.”

(I gesture to a pod of six whales passing around 50 meters away.)

Tourist: “Oh, my goodness, killer whales! My children are on the beach! They could come right out of the water and steal my children!”

Me: “Um, no, they’re humpbacks. They eat tiny little fish and plankton. They can’t come up on the beach, so your children are safe.”

Tourist: “Don’t you know about Moby Dick? He eats people alive. It’s true! It’s in the Bible!” *takes his children and leaves*


This story is part of our Clueless Tourists roundup!

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