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No Smooth Ways To Get Out Of The Exam

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 12, 2018

(I work in a local school, not as a teacher, but my position means I’m regularly helping out students in classes across multiple subjects and grade levels. I am a man. This happens one day in a grade-nine math class.)

Me: *walking past [Female Student #1], noticing she is falling a bit behind the average question students are up to* “[Female Student #1], do you know what to do?”

Female Student #1: “What? Oh, yeah, sure. Um, sir, can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Female Student #1: *pushing one of her legs out from under her desk into the walk-space* “Feel my leg.”

Me: *absolutely taken aback* ” Um… No. Why?”

Female Student #1: *actually sounding a little annoyed* “Sir, just touch it. It’s smooth.”

Me: “I’m not going to do that. How about we get back to doing question—”

(Interrupting:)

Female Student #1: “Touch my leg!”

(At this point the students classmate chimes in.)

Female Student #2: “Just feel her leg, sir. I did; it’s really smooth.”

(This has officially reached “too weird” levels.)

Me: “I believe you.”

(I just walk away to another table of students. To my amazement, I hear [Female Student #1] talking to the class teacher.)

Female Student #1: “…and is refusing to touch it. Come on, miss! You do it!”

Teacher: *giving me a “WTF is going on?” look* “Yes, it’s smooth, [Female Student #1]. Can you do your math now?”

Female Student #1: “Can you tell my Mr. [My Name] to do it, too?”

(At this point the teacher and I lost it in fits of laughter. The ridiculousness of the situation was just too much. After class we found out the student had had her legs waxed for the first time and wanted to show it off. We could not get her to understand why it was inappropriate for her to ask a grown man to feel how smooth her thighs were. Ah, the innocence of the young.)

Tidying And Counting And Tags, Oh My!

, , , , , , , | Working | January 10, 2018

(I am a supervisor at a store. Then I leave for a year, and when I return someone else has taken over as supervisor. I don’t care, because I never really wanted the position in the first place, but it seems the new supervisor thinks differently. She often gives me misinformation, getting me into trouble from the manager for not doing the work correctly. This time is no different. She is giving out the daily job list.)

Supervisor: “[My Name], [Manager] said that [Department] is due for a count, but it has to be 100% tidy first. Today, I want you to completely tidy the whole area; spend your whole shift doing it. Don’t worry about the counter; I’ll cover that. When you finish tidying, you can start the count, but don’t worry if it’s not done today. You can finish it when you are in tomorrow afternoon.”

(I start tidying and hear the bell ring down at the counter which means there is a customer waiting. I hear it ring again moments later, so I head down, thinking the supervisor may have gotten stuck with a customer elsewhere. There’s a line of customers waiting. I apologise for the wait and serve them before I hear the door to our office closing at the back of the store. The supervisor comes down to the counter, telling me she had gone to the office for a moment, and sends me back to the department. She tells me to call her if I get a line up again. It happens again, and I notice that the phone line to the office is engaged, which means I can’t call her anyway. She’s on the phone for 20 minutes while I serve customers; there’s no reason for such a long phone call. I do as much of the tidying as I can between serving customers before my shifts ends, as well as scanning to make new price tags for the stock. I am part way through putting them out when the supervisor tells me not to worry; I can put them out the next day. The next afternoon, I get in and immediately am set on by the manager.)

Manager: “[My Name], what the h*** did you do yesterday? That count was due yesterday afternoon. I’ve been working four hours on it this morning; you can take over and do the rest. I told [Supervisor] that you had to do the count yesterday and that you weren’t to serve until it was done. She’s told me that she kept finding you at the counter after she told you to only do the count. Your problem is that you won’t listen.”

Me: “But she told me to tidy the area, first.”

Manager: “I don’t want any excuses; she told me that you were told to tidy as you counted. Don’t argue with me, or I’ll write you up. I also noticed that there are a few price tags missing; you were supposed to make sure they were all there.”

Me: “I have them here, ready to go out.”

(I go and finish the count; it takes another couple of hours. I wonder how I was expected to both tidy and count in the four hour shift the day before, when it’s taken six hours to do the count in the perfectly tidy area. I have the next four days off on my roster, and when I get back the next week, the manager has a go at me again.)

Manager: “[My Name], I told you to make sure [Department] was completely priced. I went over there today and there’s no prices anywhere.”

Me: “Strange, I did them on Thursday last week.”

Manager: “Well, you are responsible for that area, and you need to check it every day.”

Me: “Even when I haven’t worked since Thursday?”

Manager: “What? Oh, just go and do it. Stop arguing.”

(I get into the area, and he’s right; there are no prices anywhere. I redo all of the tags, then start tidying the area, and I notice that some stock has been pulled forward and crooked on a shelf. I find a screwed-up pile of price tags hidden behind the stock.)

Me: “[Manager], I’ve finished putting those tags out, and this is for you.”

(I put the pile of tags on the desk.)

Manager: “What are they?”

Me: “By the look of it, they are all the missing price tags from [Department]. I found them stuffed behind [stock].”

(Unfortunately, I could not prove who had put them there, so the manager decided it had to be a customer.)

Sick Of Your Morning Sickness

, , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(My mother-in-law is pretty traditional and incredibly opinionated: marriage before intimacy, and so on. Sometimes she speaks her often ridiculous opinions before she processes the logistics. Before I was married, if had a stomach bug or anything it was always the same:)

Mother-In-Law: “There’s a bug going around; you’ll live.”

(Fast forward to my honeymoon. We’re gone seven days. On the flight back, my husband and I both start feeling a bit gross: nausea, stomach cramps, etc. We pop in to see my husband’s family when we get back.)

Mother-In-Law: “You must be pregnant.”

Me: “Yeah, no. And, anyway, [Husband] is sick, too. Is he pregnant?”

Mother-In-Law: *ignoring my comment* “Trust me; you’re definitely pregnant. Get a test.”

(She walked away, leaving me dumbstruck. She never jumped to this confusion before we were married. I mean, we lived together for six years. And by the way, we were both fine.)

The Gay Gatsby

, , , , , , , , | Learning | January 9, 2018

(We’re studying “The Great Gatsby” in English. It might not be explicitly stated, but everyone comes to the same conclusion about one of the character’s sexualities.)

Me: “[Teacher], is Nick Carraway supposed to be gay?”

Teacher: *shocked* “I don’t think so. What makes you ask?”

Me: “The way he’s always describing Gatsby’s beauty…”

Student #1: “And the way that Daisy’s supposed to be really hot, but his only comment about her is that she has a nice voice.”

Student #2: “And the way that he’s supposed to be attracted to Jordan, and he describes her and makes her sound really masculine.”

Me: “And why did he end up in a bedroom in New York with that guy in his underwear… Mr. McKee or something?

Teacher: “Well, it’ll be an interesting topic to think about for your final essay. Now, let’s get back on track.

(By chance, we hit another paragraph with Nick describing Gatsby during the lesson.)

Teacher: *reading out loud* “’There was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promise of life…’”

(The entire class begins to smile and raise our hands.)

Teacher: “Not a word. From any of you. Not one.”

Salty About The Chips

, , , , , , | Working | January 9, 2018

(I’m a carer for a young man who has autism. Like a lot of autistic children, he can be picky about what he will and will not eat. As a reward for recent good behaviour, I take him to the local fish and chips shop for some hot chips.)

Server: “What can I get you?”

Me: “Can I please have a large chips, no salt?”

(The server sighs and stalks away. I think it is weird, but I let it go. The server cooks up a fresh order of fries… only to add salt to them.)

Me: “Sorry, but it was a large chips with no salt.”

Server: “Oh. I forgot. No big deal, though, right?” *tries to give me the chips*

Me: “No. Big deal. I need you to make a fresh order with no salt, please.”

Server: “C’mon, I know that this is just a ploy that people do to get a fresh batch of chips, and you’re just going to add salt to them. You saw me cook them fresh, so it’s fine.”

Me: “No. If I give [Boy] chips with salt, he will lick off the salt and not eat the chips. Please give me what I ordered, or I’ll be forced to ask for a manager.”

(The server sighed, rolled her eyes and muttered up a storm, but eventually she gave me an order of saltless fries. I think I’ll try somewhere else to get hot chips, next time.)