The Bill Of Wrongs

, , , , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(We’re a small 60 seat cafe with extremely high turnover; from eight am until midday we can seat and serve 300 guests.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a booking for [Name].”

Me: “Right, your party of 17 is right over here.”

Customer: “Oh, what about the kids?”

Me: “Kids?”

Customer: “Yes, we booked for 17 adults, but we’ve got our kids. You’re going to need to find some seats.”

Me: “How many?”

Customer: “There will be 42 of us.”

Me: “Dude, that’s half the restaurant. We have bookings all day; if there are 42 of you, we can’t accommodate you.”

Customer: “That’s okay, the kids can just play and sit on their parents laps.”

Me: “Sure, fine, your table is right here.”

(This party trashes the cafe; the bathroom looks like a rugby team has been practicing in there. There is food from one end of the place to the other. The kids have drawn on the walls behind their parents’ table. Disaster. We lose 200 customers on this day, and we’re looking at a five-figure black hole of turnover, plus the repair bill. The worst part happens after they’ve finished.)

Customer: “Okay, so I had two poached eggs, toast, bacon, and two flat whites. Can you split that out of the bill please?”

(At this stage the bill is in four-digit territory, and I want these people out.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t split bills; here’s a calculator and a copy of your receipt.”

(The bill is 1.5 meters long.)

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re all going to pay separately. Otherwise, we’ll just leave; this is terrible service.”

Me: “You’re welcome to leave, sir. I’ll call the police now, and have them come down and arrest your party for theft of service, and vandalism for what your kids have done to my venue.”

Customer: “Maybe we’ll just pay.”

Me: “Thank you, sir.”

(It took this mob another 20 minutes of yelling and fighting with each other to sort out the bill. They tried to give it to me four times; each time it was short and got sent back. No tip. No apology.)

Hand-Shaken With The Realization

, , , , | Friendly | September 12, 2017

(I work at a supermarket on the checkouts. I am about 17, but I look incredibly young for my age, and I am quite sensitive. I am serving a very irritated, middle-aged man on the express lane, and there is a married couple behind him waiting. The irritated customer abuses me to the point where I am I tears. He leaves, and I notice the man behind him leaves the store while his wife stays behind to be served. The wife is making sure I’m okay, and telling me not to worry and that I’m doing a great job. [I have also closed off my till after these customers, so I can go out the back to calm down.] Before I finish the transaction, the husband comes back…. this is the conversation that follows.)

Husband: “Are you okay? He was a real jerk.”

Me: “Yeah, I’ll be okay. Thank you.”

Husband: “I have something that might make you feel a bit better.”

Me: *stare*

Husband: “I followed him out, stopped him, and offered out my hand for a handshake. He took it with a confused look and I said, ‘Congratulations, mate; now the whole store knows how much of a jack-a*** you are.’”

(That dude made my day.)

It’s A Regular Occurrence

, , , , | Right | September 12, 2017

(I am getting some lunch with my mother at a popular fast food place. She’s a little bit distracted and has turned into one of those customers.)

Cashier: “For the drink would you like diet or regular?”

Mother: “Yes.”

Cashier: “Um…”

Me: “She means diet, sorry. She’s a bit all over the place today.”

Cashier: “No problem.”

Mother: “What just happened?”

Me: “She asked if you wanted a diet or a regular drink and you replied ‘yes.'”

Mother: “Oh no, I’m one of those people!”

Toodles And Parenthood And Whatever

, , , , | Learning | September 11, 2017

(One of our teachers is leaving to have a baby. The other teachers arrange a surprise going-away video. All of the students from across the classes get together in groups of three to four in front of the camera to say goodbye. It’s my turn, along with two classmates.)

Me: “Bye!”

Classmate #1: “Have fun with the baby!”

Classmate #2: “…”

(I realize [Classmate #2] is distracted, watching a nearby dog, so I prod her in the ribs to get her to say something.)

Classmate #2: *still distracted* “Right, yeah… toodles.”

Me: *after recording is finished* “…Toodles?!”

(Since we were primary students, there was a rule against re-recordings. Most of the comments made our teacher smile. Some of them made her tear up. Ours were the only ones that made her snort with laughter.)

Death By Chocolate

, , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2017

(An elderly man from my church has recently passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of us meet at a friend’s house for dinner. We’re playing some board games when some little cakes get brought out for dessert.)

Friend #1: “These are leftovers from [Recently Deceased Man’s] funeral.”

Friend #2: “As long as they’re not leftovers of [Recently Deceased Man].”

Me: “He always was a sweet guy.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Friend #3: *trying to recover from laughing* “That’s awful!”

Me: “Hey, he got his just desserts.”

(When it comes to jokes, dark humour is a piece of cake.)

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