Redefining “Lightweight”

, , , , , , , | Working | July 30, 2020

I worked in a bar at a sports stadium. We were allowed to have non-alcoholic drinks but many of the staff added spirits to their drinks. Usually, management turned a blind eye — often they would have one, too — as long as no one got drunk. But there was one worker who often went overboard, so one of the supervisors asked the bar staff not to let him have so many drinks.

One time, he was outside the bar, obviously very drunk, slurring his words. The supervisor had to make him take off his badge and sit among the crowd watching a game so management didn’t see him.

As the supervisor came back inside, he said, “Hey, [Coworker], I thought I told you that [Drunk Coworker] could only have one drink. He told me that you gave him four drinks and complained that you made them really strong.”

My coworker replied, “He pitched a fit when I told him he could only have one, so I thought I would just dip my finger in the scotch and run it around the rim of his cup. I didn’t think he would get so drunk on what was basically four drops of scotch.”

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Will A Goose Work If I Can’t Find A Duck?

, , , , , , | Related | July 30, 2020

My brother and I have a very good joking relationship where we make fun of each other in both English and occasionally our second language, Russian.

This occurs when I call him to ask him for some help with my garden.

Me: “Hey, Baranovich—” *Affectionate name for a sheep* “—I sent you a photo of my lemon tree looking a bit s***. Can you help?”

Brother: “Yeah, hang on.” *Looks at the photo* “Look, Durak—” *Idiot* “—go to [Store] and get the white oil with chili and lemon.”

Me: “Okay, so I just spray that on?”

Brother: “So, first you sacrifice a duck, then face west, hold it up, and yell, ‘Ayayayaya!’, and then throw it at your neighbour, and the oil will work.”

Me: “So, do I wear the bucket on my left foot or my right foot?”

Brother: “Nah, on your head.”

Me: “Okay, thanks, little bro. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

We’re both in our thirties and I don’t think we’ll ever change.

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Unfiltered Story #201659

, , , , | Unfiltered | July 30, 2020

In Australia, local council rangers are generally the people who issue parking fines for street parking. I worked for one of the most affluent suburbs council, who’s rangers were the authority for issuing parking fines.

The main drag had a free parking, but a maximum of half an hour. Being a very popular area, this was fairly strictly enforced. The fine for exceeding the maximum allowed time was $50.

We had one lady who was quite known to the council for being nasty to us. She parked her $120,000 Range Rover on the main drag, in said half hour zone. She exceeded the allowed half hour and was issued a parking fine by a senior ranger. The council offices were just down the road.

She came into the council office, ticket in hand, demanding to see the senior ranger. The senior ranger agreed to see her.

Lady: (being super nasty to the senior ranger) What is this s***? I was NOT parked here for more than half an hour. You are just revenue raising. This council is corrupt. You are simply picking on me because I’m rich. I bet you get a cut of this fine or something.

Senior ranger: When you park there for more than half an hour, or anyone else for that matter. we issue you an infringement notice. Simple

The lady continues on a rant, whilst the senior ranger just stands there, taking it all in her stride.

Senior ranger: Look, you were parked there for more than half an hour, thats why you were fined. You have a few options. Pay the $50, elect to take this matter to court, or supply the council with a statutory deceleration outlining how you were not there for more than half an hour, or whatever the case is.

(In Australia, A statutory deceleration is a legal document that you have notarized, swearing that the facts you are saying is true. It’s a criminal offense to provide a statutory deceleration with material that is false)

Lady: This is bull. I am going to submit a statutory deceleration. You’re all corrupt.

The lady indeeds properly submits a statutory deceleration, swearing that she was not there for more than half an hour. We accept the statutory deceleration, and withdraw the fine.

The council reviews the matter. The lady parked directly in front of one of the council’s CCTV cameras. So the council her to court on the charge of lying on a statutory deceleration. What I was told is that the council simply went to court, pressed play, showed the judge the time stamp of when she parked, played the video until she left, and pointed out the difference in the timestamps being 46 minutes.

As the statutory deceleration was proven to be false. not only was the $50 fine reinstated, she now has a criminal record.

Unfiltered Story #201657

, | Unfiltered | July 30, 2020

I live in Australia, where we are a proudly multi-cultural society. At the call centre I work at, there are several phones staff born overseas – Indians, a Korean, Italians, a former US citizen, even a Russian woman – most of them have been Australian Citizens for 20+ years, have children born and raised here, AND almost all of them are far more experienced than I am since I’ve only worked there a couple of years.
Which is why it always pisses me off when I get a customer calling for the 3rd or 4th time, who tells me “I’m so happy to finally be speaking to an Australian!”

It’s About To Get Real Nutty, Part 3

, , | Right | July 30, 2020

I’m working in a small cafe when a middle-aged woman approaches.

Customer: “Do you have any gluten-free cakes?”

Me: “We sure do; we have apple and rhubarb, as well as an orange and almond.”

I point out each cake.

Customer: “Hmm…”

She proceeds to “um” and “ah” for a few minutes, and then she points to the orange and almond.

Customer: “What’s this one?”

Me: “Orange and almond.”

She once again pauses for a few moments.

Customer: “And what’s in that?”

Me: “Orange and almond.”

She pauses once more before pointing to the same cake.

Customer: “What’s this one?”

Me: “Orange and almond.”

Customer: “Does that contain nuts?”

Me: *Pause* “Yes, almonds.”

Customer: “I think I’ll have the apple and rhubarb.”

Related:
It’s About To Get Real Nutty, Part 2
It’s About To Get Real Nutty

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