Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”
Me: “…”
Husband: “…”
Me: “…”
Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”
(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)
Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Husband: “…coffee for her?”
(My husband is the king of nice saves.)
(I’m wistfully watching my five-year-old play with his eleven-month-old brother.)
Me: *out loud to myself* “How did I end up with such wonderful kids?”
Husband: *sitting nearby* “Unprotected sex.”
Me: “That philosophical question was more rhetorical in nature.”
Husband: “I still stand by my literal answer.”
(I work in a bakery. The customer places her order and I slice and bag her bread. All goes normally.)
Me: “Thank you. Have a nice afternoon.”
Customer: “It won’t be; I have five boys I have to go home to.”
Me: “Well, I hope it’s not too bad.”
Customer: “I didn’t want kids, but Jesus says we have to have as many as possible.”
(I look at my senior coworker with a WTF look.)
Customer: “Are you married? You should have kids. Jesus says we have to have kids.”
(At this point she starts yelling at my coworker and me that we have to have children. Finally, there is a pause in her ranting and I try to get her out of the store.)
Me: “Have a nice day. See you next time.”
Customer: *shakes her head but finally walks off*
Me: *to coworker* “What was that?”
Coworker: “You have finally met a crazy. We get a few.”
(My mother and I are staying at a hotel. It’s around three am and I am woken by an alarm in the room. It sounds like a clock alarm. It’s not my phone, so I go over to my mother’s bed and look for her phone.)
Mum: *wakes to me trying to locate her phone in the dark* “Wha… What’s that noise?”
Me: “I think it’s a phone alarm. Is it yours?”
Mum: “I don’t use the alarm. What is it? Turn it off; it’s annoying.”
(She rolls back over to go to sleep. I unplug the hotel alarm clock, but the noise continues. I move towards the window and I hear another sound coming from outside, this one sounds like a fire alarm a little way off. Opening our door, I notice a fire door has closed across the hallway.)
Me: “S***! Mum, get up! It’s a fire alarm!”
(We head out into the hall to find [Friend #1] standing there, looking dazed. Other friends are still in their room. We knock on one of their doors, and they answer right away.)
Friend #2: “Hey, what’s up? Hey, [Friend #3], the noise is out here, too. What’s going on?”
Me: “It’s a fire alarm.”
Friend #2: “What? We thought it was an alarm clock. We’ve been searching the room trying to find it for the last five minutes.”
(Another group of friends had slept through it and only woke to our banging on their door. We made it down the fire escape. Thankfully, it was a false alarm — some kids had set off a fire extinguisher on another floor — but it would have been nice to have something more defined as a fire alarm, rather than something that sounded like an annoying alarm clock. I wonder how many people wouldn’t have made it out of that hotel if there really had been a fire.)
(I have recently started a new job, when the news of a credit crunch breaks in the media. A lot of companies are going into panic mode. I am just heading to lunch when my manager calls me to come and see him in his office before I go. I think to myself that this can’t be good. My concern must show on my face.)
Manager: “Oh, don’t worry; it’s all good. Just come in and take a seat for a moment. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard about the financial problems going on at the moment. Unfortunately, we can no longer afford you and have to let you go. Don’t worry about coming back after lunch. We’ll send you two weeks severance pay.”
Me: “Can I ask one question?”
Manager: “Of course.”
Me: “Whatever happened to, ‘It’s all good’?”
