Booze Is Blamed When There Is No Proof

, , , | Right | February 15, 2010

Caller: “Why has my insurance been canceled?”

Me: “Well, it looks like you have made six car claims in the last four months.”

Caller: “Yeah, I had some accidents.”

Me: “That is why we can no longer insure you. It’s written in our policy statements.”

Caller: “Bull! None of those accidents were my fault!”

Me: “It says here that you drove the vehicle into a tree twice, and the oth–”

Caller: “Like I said, it wasn’t MY fault! It was the alcohol’s fault!”


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This One’s A No-Brainer

, , , | Right | February 13, 2010

Customer: “My mother is taking some medication and it is making her sick. Can you stop giving it to her?”

Me: “I’ll have to ask the pharmacist for you. What medication is it?”

Customer: “It’s a little white pill.”

Me: “You don’t know the name of it, sir? We do have many white pills in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “I think it’s for her heart… or her brain.”


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Burn Me Twice, Flame On Me

, , , | Right | February 10, 2010

(Note: I’m a customer and overhear this conversation.)

Worker: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I bought this garlic bread, and I burnt my hands and my mouth.”

Worker: “Oh, how did you burn both?”

Customer: “It was too hot in my hands, so I put it in my mouth…”


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Defeats The Porpoise

, , , , , , | Right | January 27, 2010

Child: “Mister, how do the waves work?” *points to wave pool*

Me: “There are big machines out the back that make the waves, mate.”

Child: “But my daddy says there are dolphins in cages that make the waves.”

Me: “Sorry, buddy, no dolphins.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Father: “You told my son there aren’t any dolphins.”

Me: “There aren’t.”

Father: “This is false advertising! Where are the dolphins?! I was told there were dolphins!”

Me: “Nope, no dolphins.”

Father: *brief silence* “How about whales?”

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That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome

, , , , , , , | Healthy Related Right | August 15, 2009

(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best, and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

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