(I’ve just started working the evening shift as wait staff on a very quiet night, while one of the young cooks has just finished. He comes up to the bar to have an after-work beer. It should be noted that all the staff get along very well and often tease each other.)

Cook: *as he sits at the bar* “I hear the service here is s***.”

Me: *without missing a beat* “Yeah, and the food’s even worse.”

(He immediately gets up and leaves.)

Bartender: *calls out after him* “Ooh, shots fired. Get back in your box!”

(I work in a clothing store aimed predominantly at teenage girls. On this particular day a mother comes in with her daughter. I am wearing a knee-length bandage skirt, a tank top, and an unbuttoned denim shirt.)

Me: “Hi, ladies! Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Mother: “Yes! I’m trying to find an outfit for my daughter to wear to a party this weekend.”

Me: *addressing the daughter* Not a problem! Did you have anything in particular in mind? A dress, maybe?”

(The daughter starts to speak, but her mother interrupts her.)

Mother: “I want her to look classy, but also a little bit slutty. Not really slutty, just a little bit, like you!”

(The daughter looked mortified, and I tried to hide the shock on my face. Needless to say, I was hesitant to help them after that, but they did end up spending over $200.)

It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

(I’m an Australian citizen, born and raised in Hong Kong. As a result, I’m fluent in English and Cantonese. Recently, I returned to Australia and enrolled in a local high school. One day, I’m venting to a friend about the upcoming exams, the subjects I’m taking, and the “advanced” classes I’m in during recess. Just when I’m about to leave for class, a mutual friend of ours pipes up.)

Mutual Friend: “I didn’t understand a word you said, but it sounded so cool! I’ve never heard a conversation in Cantonese before, and this is the first time I’ve heard [Friend] speaking Cantonese!”

(It turns out that the two of us had swapped to Cantonese at some point during our conversation, and neither of us had noticed. Something else we hadn’t noticed, either, were [Friend]’s classmates. Cue facepalming, embarrassed chuckling, and a hastened departure on my behalf.)

(I work in a store that customises your sandwich. This story was relayed to me by a coworker.)

Customer: “Could I please have a meatball sub with extra sauce?”

Coworker: “Sure!” *puts meatballs on sub, then grabs the marinara sauce and adds sauce*

Customer: “What do you think you’re doing?”

Coworker: “You asked for extra sauce, so I’m putting it on.”

Customer: “That’s not the same sauce!”

Coworker: “I can assure you that it is the same sauce, ma’am.”

Customer: “But I want extra sauce from the meatball container! That sauce won’t be hot!”

Coworker: “I can heat or toast your sub, ma’am, but I promise you that it is still hot.”

Coworker: “No, I want you to remake the sub.”

(My poor coworker had to remake her sub over this. But, hey, at least the coworker got a free lunch!)