Some Calls Really Push The Envelope

, , , , | Right | September 2, 2010

Me: “Hi, welcome to the post office. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem, I deleted all the messages on my house phone. How do I get them back?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well, I only wanted to delete one message on my phone, but they all got erased. Can you help me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand the problem. You know you have called the postal service, yes?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, I can’t assist you. You may need to ring the manufacturer of the phone and see how to get your messages back.”

Customer: “But it’s voice-mail! Mail! Why can’t you help me?!”


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Corrupt The Kids And You’ll Have H*** Toupee

, , , , , , | Right | September 2, 2010

(I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

(The mother glares at me.)

Customer: “I see.”

Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

Customer: “No. No, you cannot.”

(They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”

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Takeout The Decision Making Process

, , , , | Right | August 29, 2010

(I’m a new waiter and I’m alone during an afternoon shift when a customer calls.)

Customer: “I’m [Customer]. I’d like to order my usual for takeaway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m new. Could you tell me what you would like to order?”

Customer: “My usual.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is, sir.”

Customer: “Just tell the kitchen that it’s for [Customer]. They’ll know what it is.”

Me: “Okay, but just in case they don’t know, could you tell me what your usual is?”

Customer: “Oh, they’ll know. I’m a regular.”

(He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later a man turns up in the restaurant.)

Customer: “I’m [Customer]. I ordered my usual over the phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, the kitchen staff don’t know what your usual is so they weren’t able to make it.”

Customer: “But I’m a regular! They know who I am.”

Me: “They don’t. They cook whatever we tell them to cook. They never interact with the customers. If you would like to tell me what your usual is I could place your order.”

Customer: “Never mind.”

(The customer left. Later, I told the manager what happened. The manager laughed and said that that particular customer always ordered his usual which was whatever dish the staff member chose for him.)

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Read Her Lips

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2010

(I am scanning a customer’s order when I notice she is buying a $30 lip-gloss that is also being given away with a magazine).

Me: “Miss, if you’d like to buy [Magazine] for $7.20, you get this exact lip-gloss free inside.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the magazine. I just want the lip-gloss.”

Me: “I understand, but even if you give the magazine away, you still get the lip-gloss for $7.20 and save $22.80.”

Customer: “Do I look like a charity? I’m not going to give away a $7 magazine. Haven’t you heard of saving money?”

Me: “Well, yes, what I’m saying is you can save money by buying the magazine–”

Customer: “Stop trying to rip me off and scan my lip-gloss!”

(I ring up her lip-gloss for $30 and she storms off. The next customer puts the same magazine on the counter.)

Next Customer: “I don’t want it either, but I have half a brain.”

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DVD: Die Video Die

, , , | Right | August 10, 2010

Customer: “This d*** DVD doesn’t work!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I’ll put it in to be cleaned immediately.” *I check disc for scratches* “I would say the reason this particular disc doesn’t work is that it’s cracked right in half.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! Half the DVDs from this place won’t work in my DVD player!”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, some patrons don’t take very good care of them.”

Customer: “Well, why should I? It don’t work so I snapped it!”

Me:You broke the DVD, sir?”

Customer: “Your DVDs never work anyway, and I’m sick of it!”

Me: “You realize I will have to charge you the cost of a new DVD?”

Customer: “That’s an outrage! Your DVDs don’t work because some selfish idiot doesn’t look after them, so I have to pay for it?”

Me: “Did you or did you not break this DVD in half sir?”

Customer: “Yes, but only because I’d already scratched it by throwing it across the room.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Well, if I didn’t do it, someone else just would have… If my dog damaged the disc, would I still have to pay for it?”

Me: “Yes, you would.”

Customer: “You’re a moody cow, you know that?!”

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