He’s A Complete Package

, , , , | Friendly | June 6, 2017

(I’ve just joined a sewing class for the new sewing machine I had just bought. Most of the ladies in the class are double my age, in their 60s and 70s. This is my first day.)

Classmate: *putting a bag on the table* “I’ve finished him.”

Teacher: “Finished who?”

Classmate: “The new man in my life.” *pulls a sculpted fabric doll of an old man out of her bag*

(Everyone is “oohing and aahing” over him.)

Classmate #2: *holding the doll* “Is this the pattern you were telling me about? The one with… um…”

Classmate: “Yes, it is. He is complete; take a look”

Classmate #2: *pulls his trousers down* “Look, everyone, she included the family jewels, too.”

Classmate #3: “Oh, my God! He’s even got pubes!”

(I sit in amusement as these older ladies, howling with laughter, pass the doll around so they can take a look.)

Teacher: “Such a pleasant way to welcome [My Name] to the group.”

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As Clear As Black And White

, , , , | Working | June 6, 2017

(My manager leaves me a list of jobs to do, one of which is to merchandise some new products. He leaves a picture of how it’s supposed to be set up. A few days later a representative from our corporate offices comes in and sees the display, after which she leaves.)

Manager: “[My Name], who did the set up for this?”

Me: “I did. Why?”

Manager: “Well, I just got told off because it was set up wrong. I have to write you up”

Me: “What was wrong with it?”

Manager: *points to one shelf out of five* “On this shelf the colours aren’t in the right order.”

Me: “You’re kidding?”

Manager: “No, I gave you a picture to follow and you didn’t follow it.”

Me: “Yeah, you gave me a picture all right. It was black and white. I tried looking for a colour copy of it. Where was that?”

Manager: “Oh, I took that home… Oh… I’ll let you off this time.”

(I’m so lucky to have a considerate manager… not.)

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Had Them Typecast

, , , , , | Learning | June 6, 2017

(I have just been hired as a computers/technology teacher. I’ve decided to make my grade five and six classes learn touch typing, as it’s a valuable skill. I’m a bit worried they’re going to put up a fight and groan about it, as most of them just want to play computer games in class, so I have a trick up my sleeve that I hope will convince them to get on board. I have just made them all take a typing test. Most of them averaged 10-20 words per minute.)

Me: “Okay, guys, everyone come back and sit on the carpet. I want to show you something.” *I pull up the same typing test onto my computer which projects onto a board, so they can see my screen.* “I’m going to show you why we’re learning this.”

(I take the same typing test that they’ve just done. However I am a very fast typist and break 100 words per minute with zero errors. My students watch, first in silence, but as time ticks down they start to shout and chant. By the end of the test half of them are on their feet cheering me on. Not gonna lie; I feel like a superstar.)

Student: “Daaaaaang, she types faster than Usain Bolt runs!”

(I have them start the typing program and they literally run to their computers. After class ends I hear many of them talk about my typing skills as they file out of the room. The next day several students tell me they logged onto the program at home to practice more. They’re now so excited to learn, and would rather practice typing than play computer games in class. I love my job!)

 

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Very Ver-Silly

, , , | Friendly | June 3, 2017

(Some friends and I are heading to Versailles.)

Friend #1: “How do you pronounce it? Is it Versail?”

Friend #2: “No I’m sure it’s Ver-sail–lees.”

Me: “No, actually, I think it’s Ver-say.”

Friend #1: “No, that can’t be right. Where did you learn that?”

Me: “I don’t know exactly. I’ve always pronounced it that way but I’ve just watched a couple of shows about France and that’s how they pronounced it.”

Friend #1: “Whatever.”

(Later on someone else asked us where we were going.)

Friend #2: “VERS- SAL-LEES.”

(I just gave up. I still have no idea why I felt so annoyed about the wrong pronunciation. It could be because my family name originated in France but now has an English pronunciation.)

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Not Always Romantic 101

, , , | Learning Romantic | May 31, 2017

(I hear a male teacher giving dating advice to a male student.)

Teacher: “Let me give you some advice, [Student]. When they’re crying like that, you don’t call them stubborn!”

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