(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

(I work in a laboratory, and part of my job involves sampling products with long metal scoops. Our autoclave is broken, so to sterilise the scoops, we’ve resorted to spraying them with ethanol and then burning it off over a bunsen burner. It’s a little dangerous, especially when the ethanol inside the scoop ignites and a small flame shoots out of the opening. I am currently sterilising a batch of scoops when the safety officer comes in on his regular inspection. He looks around the lab, then stops next to me, watching me spray then flame a scoop.)

Safety Officer: “So, is there anything here, in the lab, that you have concerns about? Anything that you feel is a safety issue?”

(I look at him, then at the burning scoop in my hand.)

Me: “No, not at all.”

Safety Officer: “Oh, good.”

(We got excellent marks on that inspection.)

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

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(I work in a drive-thru at a fast food store.)

Customer: “I would like a bacon egg burger.”

Me: “Was that a bacon and egg muffin?”

Customer: “Yes, but add tomato and ketchup.”

Me: “Okay, that’s $4.95. Please drive forward.”

(The customer pays, gets his muffin, and then drives away. He comes back through the drive-thru about five minutes later.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I ordered a f****** bacon egg burger, and you gave me this s***.”

Me: “I’m sorry. You ordered a bacon egg muffin with tomato and ketchup. What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “I just wanted a burger.”

Me: “So, a hamburger with bacon, egg, and tomato?”

Customer: “Yes, just give me my f****** burger.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll get that out to you.”

(He gets his burger and drives away, but he’s soon back in my drive-thru.)

Customer: “How f****** hard is it to make me a f****** burger?”

(I’m tired of his ranting.)

Me: “So, exactly what do you want?”

Customer: “A f****** bacon egg burger.”

Me: “Yes, but what exactly on the burger and what bun?”

Customer: “A normal bun with bacon, egg, burger, tomato, and ketchup.”

Me: “Right, I’ll get that to you.”

(I then go make a quarter-pound burger with no cheese added, bacon, egg, and tomato, with ketchup, worth double his original payment.)

Me: “There you are; just so you know, next time you order just say that you want a quarter po—”

Customer: “I don’t give a f*** what I say; you should know what I want!” *drives away*

(A young man has been hovering around the counter while all the staff have been busy with other customers. He’s acting a little oddly, but I’m serving someone else, and I tell him I’ll be with him in just a moment. By the time I’m free, he’s disappeared. I’m feeling suspicious, so I head towards the back of the shop and find him at the corner of the second to last aisle of books.)

Me: “Hi! So sorry to keep you waiting. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: *stuttering and still acting oddly* “Oh, yeah… um, what’s the price on this book?”

(He holds out one of the little gift books we keep down at the counter. I flip it over, and surprise, surprise, the price tag is missing. Without even looking, I reach around the corner of the aisle and find the price tag, which was stuck on the edge of a shelf.)

Me: “Well, it looks like it’s $9.95. Did you want to get that today?”

Customer: *backing away quickly to the door* “I’ll just have to… go get cash for that.”

Me: “Yeah, you do that. I’ll hold it at the counter for you, shall I?”