Mercury Isn’t The Only Thing In Retrograde

, , , , | Friendly | September 19, 2017

(I get on a train to travel to meet a friend. A girl who looks like she’s about 17 or 18 gets onto the train at the same time as I do, and stays on her phone for the duration of the 45-minute ride, practically shouting into her hands-free microphone. I can hear her from the other side of the carriage, despite having earbuds in. Eventually, I can’t help but listen in, because she’s so absolutely over-the-top and enthusiastic about everything. Between the sentences are pauses where the other person on the call is speaking.)

Girl: “I was thinking of applying for a job at [Cosmetics Store], because everybody there is so nice.”

Girl: “Well, no. I don’t think it’s even possible to be mean if you’re a vegan. It’s like, against their religion, or something.”

Girl: “Yeah, no. I was thinking that maybe I should convert. My family isn’t very religious, other than Christmas. I reckon their customers are all really nice, too.”

Girl: “My dad said he’s cutting off my allowance, since he had to pay for my new phone.”

Girl: “I know, right? It’s not my fault it got ruined at the pool. Mercury is in retrograde.”

Girl: “No. Mercury.”

Girl: “Mer-cur-y. The planet, you know? Not that Mercury. Anyway, no. I’m not sure what retrograde means, but Sarah says that, because of Mercury, it’s not my fault, so I’m going to ask Mum for my allowance tomorrow if Dad still says no.”

Girl: “Oh. My. God. That would be my dream job, unless I could work at [Clothing Store], because that’s the Holy Grail.”

Girl: “I guess. I’m on my way to work now, but my boss is such an a***hole. He said if I was late again, he’d fire me.”

Girl: “No, I was supposed to be there twenty minutes ago or something, so I was thinking I’d walk in and quit instead.”
Girl: “We’re coming up to my stop, so I should hang up.” *pause* “No, my stop. I’m not at work yet.” *pause* “I can’t be on the phone if I want coffee, and if I’m going to quit today, I want to at least have a mocha.”

Bad Grammer Luvs Compani

, , , , , | Working | September 19, 2017

(It is only after I send in an application for a job that I found online that I notice that I’ve spelled the company’s name wrong a couple of times. I think to myself that I’ve ruined my chance of getting the job. A few days later, I get a call from the manager.)

Manager: “Hi, is that [My Name]? I’m calling regarding your application for [job]. Honestly, you sound ideal, and I’d like you to come in for an interview tomorrow.”

(I went in for the interview and ended up getting the job. I wondered to myself for the first week about whether she had even noticed the spelling mistake, until I saw that she’d written a note on the staff room notice board. Just about every second word was spelled wrong.)

Unfiltered Story #93719

, , | Unfiltered | September 16, 2017

I’m at the supermarket, standing in line, waiting to pay for my items. As the cashier had finished serving the person in front of me, a woman in a wheelchair starts to push herself past me, and thinking she was only trying to leave the shop, I let her past. She then proceeds to put her groceries down in front of mine. The cashier looks back and forward between the two of us, unsure of what to do.
Me: Uh, excuse me, but I was next.
Woman: No, you’re not, I am.
Me: Well no, you literally just came straight past me and put your things in front of mine.
Woman: Oh, well I didn’t see you there.
Me: (not wanting the hassle of arguing the point with the woman) Um, okay, go for it, I guess.
Woman: *smirks and shakes head at me*

Sprinting On A Knife-Edge

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(I am walking home with my sister and one of our cousins. It’s just beginning to get dark and we are a bit wary as we pass by a rough looking guy.)

Cousin: *whispering* “Oh s***, that guy just showed me a knife and grinned at me!”

(We all start walking faster, and we notice that he’s crossed the street but is keeping pace just a short distance from us. The corner of our street has a high fence that would block us from his view.)

Sister: “As soon as we turn into our street, we are all going to run for it, okay? Don’t look back; just run.”

(I have always been known for not being a very fast runner. People use the expression, “She couldn’t run if her life depended on it,” about me. My sister and cousin have both won running races at school; I always come in last. We get to our street and we all take off running. I get to the front door, unlock it, and we all end up piling into the house.)

Cousin: “What the h*** was that, [My Name]?”

Me: “What the h*** was what?”

Cousin: “[Sister] told me you couldn’t run!”

Me: “I can’t!”

Cousin: “[Sister] and I couldn’t catch you; I’ve never seen someone run so fast in my life!”

Sister: “Yeah, why don’t you ever run that fast at school?”

Me: “They don’t usually chase me down the track at school with a knife.”

Trying To Daylight Save You From This Sob Story

, , , | Working | September 14, 2017

(I have just started a new job and have worked a couple of shifts. Unfortunately, at the same time, before I can even sign the contract, my sister-in-law, who has terminal cancer, is advised to begin palliative care, and asks her immediate family for help and support. It means I can’t commit to great blocks of time at work while I’m on-call to help her and my brother, so I have to refuse the job offer. On top of this, it has just switched to daylight savings, so the day I know about it, an hour before my next shift begins, I have to let my manager know. It’s 7:30 am, but everybody thinks it’s 6:30 because of daylight savings. I decide to spare my manager the sob story.)

Manager: *sleepily* “Hello?”

Me: “Hi [Manager], it’s [My Name]. Listen, I’ve had a look at the contract and worked a couple of shifts and decided the work just isn’t for me, though I thank you very much for the opportunity. Because of personal circumstances, I’d prefer not to work my shift today, but I realise this is very short notice, so if you really need me, I’m happy t—”

Manager: “You woke me up at 6:30 to tell me you quit?”

Me: “Well, I wanted to make sure you knew as soon as I did, and it’s—”

Manager: “Look, you made a commitment, and you need to come into work today.”

Me: “Yep! Like I said, I know this is short notice, and I’m really sorry because this was such a great—”

Manager: “It’s SIX THIRTY, [My Name]. Why did you think you could wake me up at 6:30?”

Me: “It’s 7:30, [Manager]. Daylight savings just—”

Manager: *exasperated* “Just get into work. Make sure you bring in your details so we can pay you for today.”

(I went into work. Nobody was there until an hour later. We opened late.)

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