Customers who are eating in order and pay at the counter, and then we bring their food to the table. My coworker takes an order for three toast sandwiches, just before I start serving a lady who is ordering one fresh sandwich. My customer pays and then leaves to sit down, while I quickly make her sandwich and take it out to her. When I reach her table, she is sitting with three other people.

Me: “Your sandwich, ma’am.”

Another man at the table speaks up.

Male Customer: “That’s not toasted!”

Me: “The lady didn’t ask for it toasted.”

My Customer: “I didn’t want it toasted.”

Male Customer: “But we ordered before her!”

Me: “Yes, sir, but yours are toasting.”

He shut up.

I worked at a boutique hotel in Sydney where I dealt with A LOT of bulls***.

Customer: “I’d like to book a room for two hours for myself and my partner.”

Me: “You’ll have to book for a full night.”

He became extremely irate, screaming at me and then hanging up and calling back again, still screaming.

I was trying to organize multiple bookings as it was a busy day. I kept my cool for as long as I possibly could. I’m a VERY patient individual.

He called back one last time, still yelling, and this time his partner was screaming in the background. I lost it. As calmly as I possibly could, but with a firm tone, I said:

Me: “Sir, with all due respect this is a professional hotel, not a f****** brothel.”

He hung up and never called back. My manager and I laughed our a**es off.

I live in a government-owned block of flats which houses only elderly people. About a year ago, I was attacked by a resident who is known to be a drug abuser and has attacked and hospitalised a number of residents of the complex and outsiders during what appear to be drug-induced psychotic episodes.

He tried to kill me, and he might have done so if a young visitor to the complex had not interfered and prevented it. I was very badly traumatised and have never really recovered from the incident. 

I contacted the Housing Department urging that my attacker be evicted for the safety of all the residents.

Me: *On the phone* “He tried to kill me! He should be evicted for all our safety.”

Bureaucrat: “Well, we can’t evict him unless it is for something serious.”

Me: *Nonplussed* “You mean that him trying to kill me isn’t something serious?”

Bureaucrat: *Obviously not paying attention* “Not unless he actually killed you.”

Me: “…”

I’m sitting at home watching TV when I hear sirens approaching, and it sounds like they’ve stopped quite close to my house. Curious, I head outside and see fire engines stopped at the house two doors down. My next-door neighbor has also headed outside to look.

Me: “What happened?”

Neighbor: “Oh, the people in that house, they’re idiots! Do you know what they put in the backyard? A Gilligan hut!”

Me: “Gilligan hut?”

Neighbor: “A straw-roofed hut, like on Gilligan’s Island! And do you know what else they put in the backyard?”

Me: “What?”

Neighbor: “A fire pit! How did they think that was gonna go?”

The fire brigade’s presence certainly provided enough of a clue as to how it went.

I work at the patient enquiries/information desk at a large hospital. Among other things, we keep a small collection of non-valuable lost property items found in our general vicinity. This conversation happens via phone.

Me: “Good morning, patient enquiries.”

Caller: “Yesterday, I came to the hospital, and I went to [Clinic], and then I went to [Café], and then I went to the bathroom, and then I sat outside, and then…”

The caller proceeds to tell me every detail of her day while I “mmhmm” along, neglecting to actually mention the reason for her call.

Me: “So, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Oh, I can’t find my glasses. I had them at the café, and then outside, and then—”

Me: *Cutting her off* “What do they look like?”

Caller: “Oh? Umm… They look like reading glasses.”

Me: “What colour are they?”

Caller: “Oh, umm, hmmm… like the colour of the frames? Oh, umm, let me see I don’t know. Black?”

Me: “Okay, yes, I did have some black reading glasses handed in yesterday. They were found outside. They could be yours?”

Caller: “Yes, yes! Are they mine?”

Me: “Well, I don’t know if they are yours. You will have to come and have a look at them.”

Caller: “Yes, yes! I will send my sister-in-law to pick them up tomorrow!”

The call ended. I have no idea if these are the correct glasses or if the sister-in-law will even know what the glasses look like. I’ve left a note for the weekend crew wishing them luck!