(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1: “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2: “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1: “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2: “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1: “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2: “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1: “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2: “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1: “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2: “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1: “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

(I work in an outsourced call centre for a well-known mobile phone brand. I have a “received pronunciation” accent which means that, although I’m Australian, born and bred, I sound like I’m an upper-class Brit. Most callers like my accent, which can lead to very difficult conversations along the “thank God you’re not an Indian” lines. This time, though, was a bit of a twist on that conversation.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Are you in India?”

Me: “No, I’m Australian, in Australia.”

Caller: “No, you’re Indian.”

Me: “Do I sound like I’m Indian?”

Caller: “Yes! Yes, you do!”

Me: *laughing* “Well, then, I guess I’m Indian…”

(The caller hung up.)

(I’m a systems and technology librarian. It’s during lunch breaks, so we are low on staff, and I’m the only librarian not at lunch. One of the clerks calls me over to the phone with the description, “Secret librarian business; she won’t tell me what she needs.”)

Me: “Hello. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Are you a librarian?”

Me: “Yes, I am. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “What kind of librarian?”

Me: “Systems and technology.”

Customer: “You’re the wrong librarian.”

Me: “Unfortunately, everyone else is at lunch, so I’ll see if I can help you, and if it turns out that I can’t I will get someone to contact you back.”

Customer: “Are you sure that you are a librarian?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I used to volunteer at the library in the seventies, and I have never heard of a systems and technology librarian before; that doesn’t sound real.”

Me: “It is a more modern position; with the growing use of technology in libraries, it has become a need.”

Customer: “Because I would rather speak to the children’s librarian.”

Me: “She is at lunch, like I said. Give me a try, and if I’m out of my league, I will get her to call you.”

Customer: “Promise?”

Me: “I promise.”

Customer: “Who writes the Maisy books?”

Me: “Lucy Cousins.”

Customer: “HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?”

Me: “I have a three-year-old.”

Customer: “I’m going to need that confirmed by the children’s librarian; she will need to contact me before three pm, at [number]. It’s really inconvenient that she’s unavailable. The world just doesn’t stop for lunch.”

(I’m a property manager at a small real estate agency. I generally work at the front desk, so I also take calls in. My bosses are of retiring age and are VERY hard workers; they work ten hours a day, seven days a week, and some public holidays. They have finally gotten a vacation: a week-long trip to China. I am instructed to take all calls for them and just pass the calls along when they get back, etc.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Realty Agency], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Client: “Hi, I’m looking for [Boss].”

Me: “I’m sorry, [Boss] is currently on leave and is not available right now. I am the agency’s property manager, so I may be able to help you, however. If not, I’ll be—“

Client: *irate* “No, I need to speak to her directly! Put me on the phone with her!”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I mentioned, she is currently on leave and won’t be back until Tuesday next week. I can leave a message for her if you’d like to leave a name and message.”

Client: “I sent an email to her two hours ago and she still hasn’t responded!”

Me: “Ah, I see. Due to her staying in another country, she has notified me that she will only be checking her emails once every day due to a lack of Internet connection.”

Client: “Well, then, you need to check her email, please. It’s from [Company]!”

Me: “Sorry, was that sent to her personal email or her business email?”

Client: “Personal, obviously!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have access to her private emails. She’ll have to call you back.”

Client: “You don’t have access to her private emails? Well, that’s a bit stupid.”

(The client then hung up.)

(I get a call from a scammer. I realise it because there is a period of dead time when I first answer the call.)

Me: “Hello.” *hears nothing* “Hello? Hello?”

(There’s a click, and instantly there’s a lot of background noise consisting of a number of people talking.)

Scammer: “Hello, is that Mrs. [Surname]?”

Me: “Hello? Hello? I can’t hear anything; is someone there?”

Scammer: “Yes, I’m here, calling you from Microsoft.”

Me: “Is someone there? I can’t hear anything”

Scammer: *louder* “Can you hear me now?”

Me: “No, I can’t hear you.”

(He hung up for some reason.)