Not Painting A Pretty Picture

, , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(I’m digging through the little-used corner cupboard in the kitchen. My mother comes in and watches for a moment, baffled.)

Mum: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A plastic cup.”

Mum: “Why not just use one of the glass ones? The cupboard’s full of them.”

Me: “I want something that’s obviously enough not a drinking glass that no one will come along when I’m not paying attention and take a swig of my paint water.”

Mum: “Ah.”

This Joke Has Gone To Pot

, , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(Our cousin has a job that causes him to move to new areas quite often. His latest contract is in an area close to my brother’s home, which is currently unoccupied, due to my brother’s health, so he moves in.)

Mother: “So, you know [Cousin] has moved into [Brother]’s home? Well, he’s growing drugs.”

Me: “What?”  

Mother: “He’s growing pot.”

Brother: “Oh, for God’s sake, he’s growing pot plants.”

Mother: “Yes, pot plants.”

Brother: “He’s growing plants in pots: herbs and vegetables.”

Mother: *with air quotes* “’Herbs.’”

(She was only joking, but in the worst possible taste; [Cousin]’s older brother died due to an overdose. A joke like this getting back to his parents would devastate them. She couldn’t understand why neither of us found it to be funny.)

Your Job Is Going Viral

, , , | Working | January 16, 2018

Me: *answering the phone* “Hello. This is [Office], security department.”

Caller: “Hello, my name is Peter from Microsoft, and I’m calling because there’s a virus on your Microsoft machine—”

Me: “Well, I should hope so. I didn’t spend all this time setting up an air gap for a false alarm.”

Caller: “Sorry? I’m calling because there’s a virus –”

Me: “Technically, it’s a WannaCry Trojan.”

Caller: “I don’t think you understand—”

Me: “Oh, did you mean you want to order a virus? Because I can make them, but it’s illegal, so I’m going to have to tell you not to do that, and if you are especially don’t go onto the dark web—”

Caller: “Miss, this is very serious; you have a virus on your—”

Me: “I know. I installed it. You called a penetration test lab.”

Caller: *click*

(For those not familiar, a penetration test is effectively a hired hacking service, so you can see how secure your system is. Some scam calls are just deliciously ironic.)

Children Of Cancer

, , , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(A customer and her daughter, who can be no older than four, walk up to the service counter.)

Customer: “Can I get a pack of [Cigarette Brand], please.”

Supervisor: “Sure.”

Girl: “No, Mommy, don’t.”

Customer: “But Daddy asked me to get them for him.”

Girl: “But they’re bad.” *to Supervisor* “Don’t get them.”

Supervisor: “I have to, or I’ll get in trouble.”

(My supervisor goes over to the drawer and grabs the cigarettes.)

Girl: “No! Don’t get them. They’re bad for Daddy. Don’t!”

Customer: “It’s okay, honey.”

Girl: *looking more and more upset by the second* “No, it’s not. Don’t scan them. Please.”

Supervisor: *trying to act as sweetly as possible* “I’m very sorry, but I have to. It’s my job. I’ll get in trouble if I don’t.”

(She scans the cigarettes.)

Supervisor: “That’ll be [price].”

Girl: “No! Don’t! Mummy, don’t buy them. They’re bad for Daddy. They’ll kill him.”

(The customer pays and the supervisor hands them the pack of cigarettes.)

Girl: “No!”

(As her mother tried to drag her away, the little girl folded her arms and scrunched up her face in that cute way four-year-olds do when they’re angry. I’m glad my supervisor took that one; I don’t think I would have been able to go through with the purchase with a little girl basically begging me to spare her father’s life.)

Playing Phone Gag

, , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(A customer has put her shopping basket on the conveyor belt. I take it after scanning her groceries through and notice a mobile at the bottom.)

Me: “Here, you’ve forgotten your phone.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks.” *nonchalantly sticks the phone inside her bra*

(I emptied a bottle of hand sanitiser after that.)

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