Unable To Measure This Level Of Ridiculousness

, , , , | Right | September 22, 2017

(We’re a store that supplies medieval needs for re-enactors, film, and theater. The phone rings and I pick it up.)

Me: “[Store], this is [My Name]. What can we do for you today?”

Customer: “Hi! We’re doing a film. I need a pair of helmets and armour with a whitish look, like from The Hunger Games. How much is that?”

Me: “That’s not an off-the-shelf product. We’d have to make those.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “I guess because none of the larger manufacturers have bothered to get a license, or because it’s a design the costume designer didn’t want to sell rights to.”

Customer: “Can you make them?”

Me: “Yeah, we do custom work. I’ve read the books, but never saw the movies, so I’d need you to send through some pictures. I also need your measurements fo—”

Customer: “I’m a large.”

Me: “A large in what size system?”

Customer: “My size.”

(I’m already face-palming at this point, but I press on. A lot of the theater and film people are difficult to deal with, but pay well.)

Me: “And these are both for you?”

Customer: “What? No. They’re for the actors.”

Me: “Right. I’ll need them to come in for a fitting, then. I can get your deposit at the same time, too.”

Customer: “I’m not paying for it unless it’s right.”

Me: “Considering I have to go and buy specific leather for this, you ARE paying for at least that much up fro—”

Customer: “No, I w—”

Me: “YES! You will. If you want our service, that part is non-negotiable! “

Customer: “Hey, man, I’m trying to do you a favour here. People will see your work in my movie.”

(My eyes are rolling hard enough to make them ache at this point.)

Me: “I appreciate that, mate, but I’ve got plenty of my work in movies, which is why I can afford to be the one to set the terms. Now, I’ll need you to come in with the actors so I can take some measurements, then call [Tannery] and get them to deliver.”

Customer: “Fine! I have to say, you’re being really unprofessional here. How long is it all going to take?”

Me: “If you’re willing to pay extra, they can do next day delivery, and if I work over the weekend, I can have it ready for you on Tuesday.”

Customer: “There’s not enough time for that. Why can’t you just make it? I thought you were meant to be a professional.”

Me: “Because I have to go and buy materials, cut, dye, and… wait. Not enough time. When do you need this by?”

Customer: “Oh, the shoot’s on Friday, in two days.”

The Grass Might Be Greener If They Had Smarter Friends

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(A friend has been telling us about his trip back to where he was born.)

Friend: “That sounds so sweet. It makes me think of that song, Green, Green Grass of Home.” *starts singing the first verse* “It’s such a lovely song.”

Me: “But that song is about an execution.”

Friend: “Where did you hear that from? No, it’s not; it’s a lovely song. I’ve been singing it for years.”

Me: “Try singing the last verse.”

Friend: *singing* “Then I awake and look around me,

At four grey walls that surround me,

And I realize, yes, I was only dreaming,

For there’s a guard and there’s a sad old padre,

Arm in arm, we’ll walk at daybreak,

Again I touch the green, green grass of home.”

*stops singing*  “What’s wrong with that?”

Me: *internally face-palming* “Four grey walls are a prison cell. A guard and a padre?”

Friend: “That could be anything.”

Me: “Okay, what about the last line?”

Friend: “He’s lying under the old oak tree.”

Me: “They lay him under the grass by the old oak tree.”

Friend: “Holy s***; why didn’t I notice that? I was going to sing this song at the old folks home next week.”

Beguiling Bagels

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work at a deli which makes all its sandwiches in the morning, and sells them until they run out. We do not make sandwiches on demand.)

Customer: “Hey, could you make me a ham and cheese bagel?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we only have what’s in the cabinet right now.” *points to the three salmon bagels we have left*

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Customer: “…so, could you make me a ham and cheese panini?”

Accepting The Bitter Truth

, , | Right | September 20, 2017

(A customer brings a bottle of bitters up to the counter.)

Me: “That will be $24.95.”

Customer: “WHAT? That’s ridiculous. It’s such a little bottle! It’s only $6 overseas! You must be an idiot if you think you can charge me that!”

Me: “I’m afraid there are a lot more taxes and costs, due to exchange and imports, sir.”

Customer: “But even [Town Two Hours Away] has it for $15!”

Me: “Better start driving, then.”

Customer: “I demand to see your supervisor!”

(My supervisor comes over, and has been listening.)

Supervisor: “It’s a really long drive, better start now.”

Mercury Isn’t The Only Thing In Retrograde

, , , , | Friendly | September 19, 2017

(I get on a train to travel to meet a friend. A girl who looks like she’s about 17 or 18 gets onto the train at the same time as I do, and stays on her phone for the duration of the 45-minute ride, practically shouting into her hands-free microphone. I can hear her from the other side of the carriage, despite having earbuds in. Eventually, I can’t help but listen in, because she’s so absolutely over-the-top and enthusiastic about everything. Between the sentences are pauses where the other person on the call is speaking.)

Girl: “I was thinking of applying for a job at [Cosmetics Store], because everybody there is so nice.”

Girl: “Well, no. I don’t think it’s even possible to be mean if you’re a vegan. It’s like, against their religion, or something.”

Girl: “Yeah, no. I was thinking that maybe I should convert. My family isn’t very religious, other than Christmas. I reckon their customers are all really nice, too.”

Girl: “My dad said he’s cutting off my allowance, since he had to pay for my new phone.”

Girl: “I know, right? It’s not my fault it got ruined at the pool. Mercury is in retrograde.”

Girl: “No. Mercury.”

Girl: “Mer-cur-y. The planet, you know? Not that Mercury. Anyway, no. I’m not sure what retrograde means, but Sarah says that, because of Mercury, it’s not my fault, so I’m going to ask Mum for my allowance tomorrow if Dad still says no.”

Girl: “Oh. My. God. That would be my dream job, unless I could work at [Clothing Store], because that’s the Holy Grail.”

Girl: “I guess. I’m on my way to work now, but my boss is such an a***hole. He said if I was late again, he’d fire me.”

Girl: “No, I was supposed to be there twenty minutes ago or something, so I was thinking I’d walk in and quit instead.”
Girl: “We’re coming up to my stop, so I should hang up.” *pause* “No, my stop. I’m not at work yet.” *pause* “I can’t be on the phone if I want coffee, and if I’m going to quit today, I want to at least have a mocha.”

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