They’re Their Own Smoking Gun

, , , | Learning | June 8, 2017

(Teacher #1 caught a group of boys smoking out the back of her classroom a few days ago. As a result, those boys are on an in-school suspension and doing some work for Teacher #2. We are in Teacher #2’s class when the boys report in.)

Boy #1: “Sir, we’ve finished doing what you asked. What now?”

Teacher #2: “You can take a break for a bit. Come back in fifteen.”

Boy #2: “Yes!”

Boy #3: “Break time!”

Boy #1: “Yeah, let’s go have a smoke!”

(They all start laughing as they walk off when Teacher #2 sticks his head out of the room. We all think he is about to yell at them, but then he says this instead…)

Teacher #2: “Boys! Not near [Teacher #1]’s classroom!”

Give The Pep Talk A Rest

, , , | Romantic | June 8, 2017

(I’m a nurse and working night shift in this story. Lately, my husband has been getting up at 4:50 am to go to the gym before work but normally gets up at 6-6:15 am. He is not a morning person. I send him the following text at 5:20 am…)

Me: “You’ve got this, sweetie! Make those muscles work! Make those biceps curl! Make your body sweat for the amazing breakfast you’ll make when you get home! You’re going to get to your goal weight and I’m with you all the way!”

Husband: “I love you. But this morning is my rest morning…”

Meet My Other Neighbors; Sex, And Rock & Roll

, , , , | Friendly | June 8, 2017

(The lady across the road from my house had died so her family rented the house out for a while before selling it. The renters were a few guys who had gone to the same school as me. We start noticing they get many visitors on Tuesdays, the visits lasting just a few minutes before the visitors leave while shoving something in their pockets. One day my younger sister comes home from school, absolutely fuming.)

Me: “What’s up with you?”

Sister: “Those f****** druggos across the street, that’s what. I just had [Boy From School] asking me if I lived on [Our Street] and if I knew about the drug house at number 52. I told him it was at 53 not 52. He then called me a druggo for knowing the exact address, so I hit him. Told him that I lived at 52 and if he tried calling me that again I would beat the living s*** out of him.”

Little Piece, Big Problem

, , | Right | June 7, 2017

(A customer approaches the counter with a sewing machine in an open box.)

Customer: “There’s a problem with this machine. I want to claim it under warranty.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, there was a little piece inside the machine that was stopping it from working, so I opened it up and moved some of the parts inside the machine to get the piece out. I put it back together but it still doesn’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but by opening the panel and removing some of the parts you’ve automatically voided your warranty. I can get the repairman to look at it, but you’ll have to pay for it. And from what you’ve told me I think there’s a good chance he won’t be able to fix it.”

Customer: “But I had to get the little piece out! I need to claim it under warranty!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you can’t claim this machine under warranty now.”

Customer: “No! Let me speak to your manager!”

(My manager told her exactly the same thing, and the fight kept going in circles. After a lot of resistance from the customer my manager agreed to give her a new machine and see what she could do with the broken one.)

Manager: “Okay, put the machine on the counter and I’ll give you a new one.”

(The customer pulls out a MASSIVE bag of machine parts. She’s evidently taken the entire thing to bits.)

Manager: “You gave me the impression you’d only moved a few pieces and then put them back. I can’t accept this.”

Customer: “You said you’d give me an exchange!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but a machine in this condition is completely worthless. I can’t exchange it for a new one.”

Customer: “But I had to move all of this to get the little piece! The machine didn’t work. What was I supposed to do?!”

Manager: “When you have that kind of problem you’re supposed to bring it to us right away and claim it under warranty instead of trying to repair it yourself. This situation is the exact reason why machines that have been tampered with are not under warranty.”

(Eventually she got the customer to leave. Apparently the customer came back three days in a row, each time fighting with my manager and other employees about the same thing. In the end my manager reluctantly gave her a new one just to shut her up. She still had the nerve to put in a complaint about the “awful” service she received.)

He’s A Complete Package

, , , | Friendly | June 6, 2017

(I’ve just joined a sewing class for the new sewing machine I had just bought. Most of the ladies in the class are double my age, in their 60s and 70s. This is my first day.)

Classmate: *putting a bag on the table* “I’ve finished him.”

Teacher: “Finished who?”

Classmate: “The new man in my life.” *pulls a sculpted fabric doll of an old man out of her bag*

(Everyone is “oohing and aahing” over him.)

Classmate #2: *holding the doll* “Is this the pattern you were telling me about? The one with… um…”

Classmate: “Yes, it is. He is complete; take a look”

Classmate #2: *pulls his trousers down* “Look, everyone, she included the family jewels, too.”

Classmate #3: “Oh, my God! He’s even got pubes!”

(I sit in amusement as these older ladies, howling with laughter, pass the doll around so they can take a look.)

Teacher: “Such a pleasant way to welcome [My Name] to the group.”

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