I am on the train on my way home from university during the global crisis. Due to this and the fact that it is about noon in a smaller city, the carriage I am sitting in is almost completely empty. I decide that, rather than leave my laptop bag on the floor, I will place it on the seat next to me as I figure no one will want to sit there anyway.

Boy, was I wrong.

Enter an older lady. I can already tell we are going to have a problem when she gets on as she is not wearing a mask, and I can see a large crucifix on her neck. This is relevant because I am nineteen, I have tattoos and dyed blue hair, and I am wearing a mask I sewed myself. Oh, boy.

As she enters, she meets my eye and scowls, then walks towards me and decides she needs to sit right next to me, on my bag. I am very non-confrontational, but this is annoying me. She could have sat anywhere else, and I briefly worry she will break my laptop. I try to politely ask her to sit up for a moment so I can at least retrieve my bag, and she pretends she can’t understand me because of my mask. She just keeps repeating that I should remove my mask if I want to speak like a “civilised person”.

Eventually, I get fed up and just rip my bag out from under her, and I then make my biggest mistake by cursing under my breath. Suddenly, Karen can understand me perfectly and proceeds to yell at me about respect and God until my stop, despite me moving seats several times and blanking her.

The funniest part is that I volunteer at a nursing home, and I am Anglican, but I guess I don’t look like she thinks Christians should.

I’m a work-from-home photographer. One day, I get an email via my website.

Client: “Hi, I’m looking for a wedding photographer.”

We discuss her needs and wants for the day.

Client: “I want a full refund if we get divorced because I won’t need the photos then!”

Me: *Pause* “Good luck with your search for a photographer who agrees with those terms.” 

Related:
Divorced From Reality, Part 4
Divorced From Reality, Part 3
Divorced From Reality, Part 2
Divorced From Reality

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I’m a receptionist checking in a patient.

Me: “Okay. Have you been tested for [widespread illness] in the last two weeks?”

Patient: “I have the app.”

I patiently waited for an answer. The patient just stared at me.

Teenage Boy: “Can I have two bread rolls?”

Me: “Sure; that’ll be $2.”

Teenage Boy: “I only have $1. Can I still have two bread rolls?”

Me: “No, because they’re $1 each.”

Teenage Boy: “But they’re so cheap! Can you please just give me an extra bread roll?”

Me: “No.”

Teenage Boy: “Please?”

Me: “No.”

The conversation continued like this for several minutes until the manager threatened to throw him out for being a nuisance and for holding up the line. The other customers and serving staff spent the rest of the shift congratulating me for my patience with an obnoxious customer.

We use various outsourced delivery services for our food and they all have an option for customers to buy food using the platform, but then the customer can choose to come to pick it up themselves. This is to avoid the delivery fee. A customer walks in, lines up, and gets to the front of the line.

Customer: “I have a pickup.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the name or company?”

The customer gives me a weird “Why are you asking this?” face.

Customer: “It’s personal.”

Me: “Well, as you can see I have many bags here for many different customers. I just need a name for the order. If you are uncomfortable to at least let me know what you ordered?”

Customer: *Rolls eyes* “Oh, just give me my food; it’s that one there.”

He points in the general direction of all the bags lined up for various customers.

Me: “Can you please just tell me who the order is for?”

Customer: “It’s for [Customer], okay? Just give me my food.”

The customer took the food and left. My coworker and I just stared at each other in disbelief.